Uber And Out

Always remember: What is not expressly allowed in Germany is strictly forbidden.

Uber

A court in Frankfurt has ruled that the UberPop ride-hailing service may not operate anywhere in Germany for the simple reason that, uh, well, you ought to have an official permit to do so. To be the driver, I mean.

This is a big relief for everybody here because if people didn’t have to have official permits to use the service then anybody could just simply offer or choose to use the service on his or her own, without being regulated. One can’t have that here because this would make the people who would otherwise make the regulations and hand out the permits superfluous and also make taxi driving more competitive and even bring down prices for the consumer, without these prices being properly regulated first, I mean. There are a lot of bad implications here, people. So, like I said, strictly forbidden. Or verboten, if you prefer.

And besides, they spell Uber wrong.

„Ubers Geschäftsmodell basiert auf Rechtsbruch.“

Germany’s Eurovision Preselection Winner Forced Out To Meet New Gender Quota

No sooner did the German women already running the country pass a law requiring that at least 30% of non-executive members at large companies be women than was Andreas Kümmert, the fair and square winner of the chance to represent Germany at this year’s all-important Eurovision song contest, forced at what might as well have been gunpoint to hand over his spot to runner-up Ann Sophie, a woman.

Kümmert

Kümmert, A man, I think, his arm being held tightly behind his back, shocked the German Eurovision preselection audience by announcing “I’m really not in the right shape to accept this. Honest I’m not! I swear I swear I swear. You take it, Ann Sophie. And you run with it, girl!”

Sheesh. These broads never would have gotten away with this last year.

German Of The Day: Scherzkeks

A “joke cookie” here is what we call a wisecracker. You know, a jokester? Take this jokester here at Tegel Airport today (this guy really kills me).

Tegel

He’s getting ready to board his flight with his girlfriend for their vacation in Florida, right? So they’re having a look at his carry-on bag and he says – now get this – “There’s a bomb inside.” Funny. As. Scheiße! Don’t you think? And original, too. But the real punch line part only comes around a little later: He wasn’t allowed to take that flight, screws up his vacation, impresses his girlfriend big-time forever and then gets charged with another cool German word: Ordnungswidrigkeit (an administrative offense or infraction)! Hardy, har, har. Brilliant joke cookie stuff who needs the crackers?

Some people are just more funny than other people are, I’ve found. Evolution wants it that way or something.

Like this guy’s uncle here earlier in the week (I’m assuming of course it just has to be this guy’s uncle). He walked in through security control at Tegel with a revolver and 43 rounds of ammunition in his carry-on bag because – now get this – he didn’t know it was in there! Ha, ha. Apparently the bag had been given to him when his father died and he had never bothered to look inside before and just grabbed the thing at random when he needed a bag for his flight. Hilarious stuff.

But how on earth do they manage to think any of this up?

“Dieser sensible Sicherheitsbereich ist einfach kein Ort für schlechte Scherze.”

German Of The Day: Lieber ein Ende mit Schrecken als ein Schrecken ohne Ende

That means “better a terrifying end than unending terror.” In other words, it’s time for Greece to get those drachma machines running again.

Greece

But the Greeks already know this themselves. That’s what they just voted for. Sure, we’ll get to watch how Greece and the EU (Germany) play around with each other for a few weeks as if both sides are tying to find a new solution for a solution that has already long been in place but in the end Greece will leave the EU. This new Greek government is the undertaker man (don’t shake that guy’s hand!). They will point their fingers at Germany on the way out telling Greek voters “we tried everything we could, but…” and then, well, it’s back to the real world again. And this will be a good thing for Greece – in the long run.

Hey, this reminds me of another German saying: Geh mit Gott, aber geh! Go with God, but go!

Entgegen allen Warnungen aus Deutschland und Europa lehnt die griechische Regierung Gespräche mit den internationalen Geldgebern ab. Sie seien in Athen nicht willkommen.

That’s One Small Spout For A Man…

And one giant leak for MANkind!

Urinating

I don’t make this stuff up, people.

A German court on Thursday ruled in favour of men’s right to urinate standing up, after a landlord tried to retain part of a tenant’s €3,000 (£2,300) deposit for allegedly damaging the marble floor of a toilet by sprinkling it with urine.

The debate about whether men should stand or sit when urinating is no laughing matter in Germany, where some toilets have red traffic-style signs forbidding the standing position. There is also a derogatory term for men who sit and pee – “Sitzpinkler” – which implies that it is not masculine behaviour.

Der Hausbesitzer wollte 1900 Euro einbehalten, weil der Marmorboden der Toilette abgestumpft war.

German Of The Day: Die Initiative Ergreifen

That means taking the initiative. You know, as in arresting two Salafists in Berlin Wedding on suspicion of recruiting fighters for Isis in Syria?

Salafists

And it’s about freaking time, people. And congratulations to Belgium on their fine catch, too.

Following the recent attacks in Paris and the thwarting on Thursday of a terrorist plot in Belgium, 250 officers simultaneously raided 11 addresses across the German capital.

Hard To Find German News Reports About This For Some Strange Reason

This firebombing last night of the Hamburger Morgenpost tabloid “that published Charlie Hebdo cartoons on the front page after the Paris massacre.”

Hamburger Morgenpost

Strange, don’t you think? You can find all kinds of stuff about anti-Pegida demonstrations and the German Defense Minister’s plans to put more women (like herself) at higher positions in the Bundeswehr and “the coming traffic chaos during the next vacation season” but other than that, well, it seems to be let’s-get-our-head-in-the-sand time again, as usual.

Maybe these terrorists know what they’re doing after all.

The regional tabloid daily, the Hamburger Morgenpost, had splashed three Charlie Hebdo cartoons on its front page after the Paris massacre, running the headline “This much freedom must be possible!”

No one was hurt in the attack in the northern port city, which police said occurred at about 1.20am on Sunday.

German Tree Hugger Forcibly Removed After 130 Hours

From her tree. In a place called the Hambacher Forst. After occupying it in the name of tree love (a bad energy company wants to cut down the tree for bad energy purposes).

Tree hugger

The traumatized tree refused to comment and is being treated for hug burns.

Mittels einer Hebebühne holten die Höhenkletterer der Polizei die Aktivistin gegen 11.30 Uhr von der Plattform, nahmen sie in Gewahrsam.

More Awful NSA Spying Being Done On Ahnungslose Germans Again

Only this time it’s being done by the German BND (the German Federal Intelligence Service).

BND

Ahnungslos means unsuspecting, by the way. It can also mean clueless, however. If you know what I’m saying.

The agency, known by its German acronym BND, is normally forbidden from eavesdropping on Germans or German companies. But a former BND lawyer told parliament this week that Germans aren’t protected while working abroad for foreign companies. The government confirmed that work-related calls or emails are attributed to the employer. If the employer is foreign, the BND can intercept them.

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