Germans Discover “Text Neck”

Only they call it “Handynacken,” which sounds a whole lot worse because, well, it is. Just look at those lightning bolt thingies flashing around down there, for instance.

Handy Neck

So now everybody has it, of course. And this has nothing at all to do with hypochondria or disease mongering or anything like that, folks.  Nope, this is serious business so I looked it up at a place called “The Text Neck Institute.” Handynacken is an “overuse syndrome involving the head, neck and shoulders, usually resulting from excessive strain on the spine from looking in a forward and downward position at any hand held mobile device, i.e., mobile phone, video game unit, computer, mp3 player, e-reader. This can cause headaches, neck pain, shoulder and arm pain, breathing compromise, and much more.”

OMG we’re all gonna die. Do they still make dumb phones anywhere out there?

Tägliche Nutzung von mehr als vier Stunden ist mittlerweile keine Seltenheit mehr.

More Negativity

But it ain’t nothing new, folks.

Flag

More than half of Germans (53 percent) said they did not believe the United States government respects the personal freedoms of its people, according to a Pew Research Center report published on Tuesday.

“The U.S. receives largely positive reviews among many of its key NATO allies. About two-in-three Canadians have a favorable opinion, as do large majorities in Italy, Poland, France, the UK and Spain. The outlier is Germany.”

German Of The Day: Amerikanische Verhältnisse

That means “American conditions” or “the American situation,” meaning really, really bad, of course, and is most often used when referring to crime and the use of guns there.

Shooting

But then there’s this homeowner guy in Hamburg. I don’t know what the hell he was thinking but when two thieves forced their way into his house he pulled out a gun and shot one of them. At this point the thieves decided to leave. The guy that got shot, however, only made it about two hundred meters down the road before dropping dead. A very similar incident also happened recently in Hanover, by the way.

Shocking, isn’t it? Talk about your amerkikanische Verhältnisse. But even more shocking, I find, is how these news items are quietly being ignored and how you will be hard-pressed to find anyone here in Germany who doesn’t think this guy was right in protecting himself and his property. After all, this isn’t Wild West US-Amerika we’re talking about here, folks.

Einer der Männer soll dann bis in den Hausflur eingedrungen sein. Daraufhin gab der Hauseigentümer einen Schuss auf den Täter ab.

Little Oskar Banging His Tin Drum Again

And still refusing to grow up. This is, after all, the failed SPD chancellor candidate who then somehow managed to go even further left and join the Left Party to fail big time there, too.

Fuck

He has these fits every now and then, folks. Ain’t no big deal. This time it looks like somebody opened a Facebook account for him (I bet it was his current wife, Rosa Luxemburg) and now that US-Amerika‘s latest defense minister Ashton Kutcher, I mean Carter, has come to the American sector itself he’s going hog wild in a big way (Oskar not Ashton). And speaking of which, how many freakin’ defense ministers have we had these past six or seven years anyways?

Carter having been sent to Germany by Warlord President of Naked Aggression George W. Bush himself, Oskar is mad as hell and isn’t going to take it anymore and has lambasted this affront by calling to “fuck the US imperialism,” although it isn’t at all clear who he wants to have do this for him. And speaking of which, I meant the World President of Peace Obama HIMSELF himself, of course.

“The US war minister calls Europeans to stand up against Russian ‘aggression’ whereas the Europeans have all the more reason to stand up against US aggression.”

Attention for those of you who wear glasses: That loud drum-pounding of his can certainly be annoying and all but what you really have to watch out for are his glass-breaking screams.

Der US-Kriegsminister ruft die Europäer dazu auf, sich der russischen ‘Aggression’ entgegenzustellen. Dabei hätten die Europäer allen Grund, sich der Aggression der USA entgegenzustellen.”

Europe Must Think Hard About Automobile Control

“At some point we as a  politico-economic union will have to reckon with the fact that this type of violence doesn’t happen in other advanced  politico-economic unions or countries,” one leading European politician said, unnamed for the moment. “It doesn’t happen with this sort of frequency.”

Maniac

The comments came after a maniac driver in Graz, Austria mounted his vehicle on the pavement and aimed it at pedestrians – sending several crashing into the windscreen and flying over the car and killing at least three – before getting out and stabbing bystanders with a knife

“We will also need to think hard about stricter knife control, too,” the politician then added.

“I heard a little hissing sound as it went past at maybe 100kmh.”

Forget The Ploughshares

We’re going to turn our old Cold War military bases into wildlife preserves.

Peace

The German government has announced plans to convert 62 disused military bases just west of the Iron Curtain into nature reserves for eagles, woodpeckers, bats, and beetles (personally, I wouldn’t trust a woodpecker as far as I could throw one).

Jeepers. It’s not like Germany has a need for a military presence anymore or anything.

We are fortunate that we can now give these places back to nature,” says German Environment Minister Barbara Hendricks. Whatever that is. Nature, I mean.

Russian And Chinese Intelligence Services Now Big Edward Snowden Fans, Too

It’s not just the Germans who worship the very ground this guy whistleblows on. The Russian and Chinese spy communities are really thrilled with him, too. Particularly when it comes to the secret information they have now been able to access by breaking into the encrypted files held by the heroic American turncoat.

Snowden

“Snowden has done incalculable damage,” one British intelligence source has just reported. “In some cases the agencies have been forced to intervene and lift their agents from operations to prevent them from being identified and killed.”

Russland und China sollen streng geheime Dokumente des früheren US-Geheimdienstmitarbeiters und Whistleblowers Edward Snowden entschlüsselt haben.

Greece Worried Eurozone Could Collapse

And Greece is willing to help.

Tsipras

Greek prime minister Alexis Tsipras has just pointed out to Merkel, Hollande & Co. that his country, accounting for a whopping 2% of the eurozone’s economy, is now finally ready to lend officials in Brussels all the money they will need in the turbulent times to come. Provided, of course, that they hand it all over to Greece first (along with a couple zillion euros on top for administrative fees).

Let’s get this over with, people.

„Es wäre der Anfang vom Ende der Eurozone.“ Tsipras warnte, dass die Kosten für die europäischen Steuerzahler enorm seien.

 

This Is Like Work Or Something

Exhausted from all of the political activism activity anti-G7 political activists have been expected to do already, bone-weary protestors are now leaving the G7 conference in droves before someone asks them to get even more politically active than they already have been.

Demonstrators

“Like, I had to sit-in for over two full hours yesterday and hold up this stupid sign the whole time, too,” said one disillusioned demonstrator, his red cardboard nose still being sweat upon profusely. “OK, sure, after having slept-in twelve hours after that party the night before first, but still. If I had known this was going to be work I would never have left Berlin to come down here in the first place. These are like Manchester capitalist sweatshop demonstrating conditions! I’m outta here.”

“You know, all of this, it’s exhausting.”

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