Reproduction Regulators Recommend Rigorous Reform

The logic appears to go like this: Germans will only have children if they are paid by the state to do so.

Children

That this money must first be taken from them by the state to only later be given back to them if they behave properly (improperly?) is the first oddity here but not really the issue at the moment – or at least not the one German politicians want to talk about. The problem now is that Germans aren’t having enough children (only 12% of families with children here have 3 or more). They are not following the German reproduction regulation logic like they are supposed to and are refusing to have large families despite regular increases to the child benefit or Kindergeld payments given here.

In an attempt to counteract what is now the German one-child-per-family-if-they-have-any-children-at-all tradition, some reproduction regulators are suggesting that families now be given higher payments for each successive child born. I’m sure this will work just great. Well, I’m kind of sure it might work maybe, I mean.

Of course more money will first have to be taken in from the Germans before some of it can be given back to some of them again but that’s never bothered legislators here before so why break with a tradition like that now?

“Die wirtschaftliche Situation von Familien verbessert sich trotz der staatlichen Unterstützung im Durchschnitt nicht.”

15 Cool German Illnesses You Can Only Get Here

Mostly because 1) you probably can’t pronounce them and 2) they don’t really exist.

Zivilizationskrankheit

Germans aren’t hypochondriacs, by the way. They’re Hypochonder.

14. ZIVILISATIONSKRANKHEIT

Zivilisationskrankheit, or “civilization sickness” is a problem caused by living in the modern world. Stress, obesity, eating disorders, carpal tunnel syndrome and diseases like type 2 diabetes are all examples.

Russian Propaganda? What Russian Propaganda?

The speaker of the Russian Duma has asked a parliamentary committee to study a proposal to condemn the reunification of Germany in 1990.

Annexation

Sergei Naryshkin earlier this week faced scathing criticism of Russia’s annexation of Crimean peninsula when he spoke at the Parliament Assembly of Europe.

Russian news agencies say Communist deputy Nikolai Ivanov on Wednesday proposed a resolution to condemn what he called the “annexation” of East Germany in 1990. Ivanov said that unlike in Crimea, there was no popular vote to support the German reunification.

…Deutsche Welle, an international television and radio broadcaster akin to the British Broadcasting Corp.’s World Service, plans to launch a new multimedia English-language service called DWNews in April. Deutsche Welle President Peter Limbourg has said the new service is designed to “defy [Russian President Vladimir] Putin ’s propaganda.”

This Sick Lady Right Here Just Will Not Go Away

Nor will they take a new picture of her, either. It’s just that good.

Sick Lady

First she had mental illness issues.

Then she got really depressed because of her mental illness issues.

Now she’s totally stressed out because she lives in North Rhine-Westphalia, which is known to cause a lot of depression and mental illness issues. If you live there, I mean. Or at least it’s known for that now.

Word has it namely (a new study) that people there suffer more than elsewhere in Germany because they don’t move enough, they don’t eat healthy enough food and they drink too much (alcohol). And they’re always running into this wacky lady here, looks like. Wherever they go in North Rhine-Westphalia. I think I need a drink now, too.

Stress ist laut einer bundesweiten Studie am häufigsten für Menschen in Nordrhein-Westfalen ein Problem. Nur 8 Prozent der Menschen in Nordrhein-Westfalen leben in Sachen Bewegung, Ernährung, Stress und Alkohol laut einer Studie rundum gesund.

German Poverty?

Nice try. This is another one of my favorite German myths. You can claim that poverty exists here all you want but everybody knows that poverty only exists in the real world and has nothing at all to do with this country. Or could it be that I am the one with an “unrealistic” definition of what poverty is?

Poverty

Report: About 3.1 million wage and salary earners in Germany had an income below the poverty threshold, according to Saturday’s edition of the Saarbrücker Zeitung newspaper.

You have to understand how Germany works to know that this is ridiculous. For one thing, nobody has to work in Germany if he or she does not want to – ever. They get their rent paid and a low monthly allowance (and then work illegally on the side in a lot of cases) indefinitely = for life, if they want to (everybody know how or knows someone who does).  Many people choose to live this way (I know a few personally). Their welfare system is called Hartz IV, by the way. So like, are you a victim of “poverty” if you choose to be? In a country that has the money to pay your way, I mean?

And you must also understand how a German defines poverty in Germany: “Every second low wage worker, some 1.5 million Germans, would not be able to pay for a one-week holiday per year outside their own four walls. About 600,000 workers were forgoing having their own car because they could not afford it.”

OMG. It’s certainly a cold, cruel world out there when you can’t fly off to Mallorca twice a year like everybody else does and/or keep your expensive German sports car on the road as God intended you to (even though you don’t believe in God, but still).

“The number of workers who earn scarcely or marginally more than the government unemployment benefits (Hartz IV) is alarmingly high.”

PS: Speaking of poverty, get your free copy of Dumb Deutsch here. Offer ends Monday.

That’s One Small Spout For A Man…

And one giant leak for MANkind!

Urinating

I don’t make this stuff up, people.

A German court on Thursday ruled in favour of men’s right to urinate standing up, after a landlord tried to retain part of a tenant’s €3,000 (£2,300) deposit for allegedly damaging the marble floor of a toilet by sprinkling it with urine.

The debate about whether men should stand or sit when urinating is no laughing matter in Germany, where some toilets have red traffic-style signs forbidding the standing position. There is also a derogatory term for men who sit and pee – “Sitzpinkler” – which implies that it is not masculine behaviour.

Der Hausbesitzer wollte 1900 Euro einbehalten, weil der Marmorboden der Toilette abgestumpft war.

Spiegel Objectivity

Do you remember how “there’s strong, and then there’s Army strong?” It’s the same with objectivity. There’s objectivity, and then there’s Spiegel objectivity. Just ask the Bildzeitung. Hardy, har, har.

NSA

Take the ever-popular NSA hysteria and superhero Edward Snowden HIMSELF. Of the nine (9) authors bringing out their latest shocking reports in the latest shocking Spiegel edition, only three of them actually work for the paper. The other six are well-known and clearly rabid anti-surveillance activists who make no qualms about their feelings for the NSA – and who have also managed to make good money in the process. I mean business.

Here are a few examples: Jacob Appelbaum, author of “Die Freiheit des Internet,” Euro 16.99, Andy Müller-Maguhn, hacker hero and former frontman for the Chaos Computer Club who makes his money as an IT security consultant, Aaron Gibson, salary man for the “Tor Project,”  etc. pp. No conflict of interest here, folks. Other than the vested interest all of them have, Spiegel included, in keeping German hysteria levels at a constant peak, which, as all know who live here, isn’t terribly hard to do. Nice work if you can get it.

Spiegel knows what its readers want before Spiegel readers do. And if Spiegel readers are not absolutely sure what it is they want then they can always find out what that is just by reading the Spiegel.

Als Gibson und Appelbaum im Juli 2014 eine NSA-Geschichte für den NDR recherchierten, legte der NDR diesen Interessenkonflikt offen, schrieb unter der Überschrift „Disclosure“ (Offenlegung), die beiden seien „bezahlte“ Mitarbeiter von Tor. Im „Spiegel“ – kein Wort dazu.

New Pegida Narrative In The Works

Now that Pegida is not going away as planned (but is in fact still growing) the secret German media police have decided to do a controlled rollback before their current hysterical narrative about courageous Gutmenschen (do-gooders) doing selfless battle against evil Nazi numbskulls gets all too ridiculous even for them (for the secret German media police, I mean).

Pegida

These unwelcome troublemakers will now be rebranded in a decidedly less overwrought fashion, the first merchandise coming out as we speak, so-to-speak. It is in the form of a study just made by the Technical University, Dresden in which we discover the following rather surprising fun facts:

Only one-fourth of those demonstrating are actually demonstrating against the “Islamization of the Western world.”

The typical Pegida supporter is a politically independent 48-year-old male who is well-educated and well-employed.

The main gripes most Pegida supporters have are their dissatisfaction with 1) German politicians, 2) German media and only then 3) the increased number of immigrants and asylum seekers now coming to Germany.

Why, uh, that’s suddenly a completely different picture, isn’t it? Stay tuned, there will certainly be more to follow. The hysteria sure was fun while it lasted though, wasn’t it?

“Sind Sie von der Presse?”

And Speaking Of Free Speech…

The latest German Un-Word of the Year is Lügenpresse or “the lying press.” The year is still pretty young though, if you ask me. But still.

Lügenpresse

Of ill repute as it is a term that was gladly used way back when during World War I and then later by the Nazis themselves, it’s been in the news a lot these days because that EVIL Pegida is using the term, as well. If you accuse the press of lying you’re a Nazi here, I guess. So watch it.

I mean, it’s not like the media here in Germany would ever manipulate or mislead us or spin or hype or ignore things or anything like that there, right?

Der Ausdruck “Lügenpresse” ist als Parole der Pegida-Bewegung erst seit wenigen Wochen in aller Munde. Die Bezeichnung blickt allerdings auf eine lange wie auch traurige Geschichte zurück – als Devise von Demokratiegegnern jeglicher Couleur.

Germans Not Overdoing It Again

Honest. With their anti-Islamization bzw. (and) anti-Pegida hysteria, I mean.

Legida

Not with Bagida.
Not with Bärgida.
Not with Hagida.
Not with Legida.
Not with Muegida.
Not with Mvgida.
Not with Öz-Gida.
Not with Schwegida.
Not even with Merkel-Ida herself, for crying out loud.

Maybe it’s time to like gida life already, people.

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