American Security Staff Abuses Asylum Seekers In German Shelter

German authorities are investigating at least two American male security staff for apparent abuse of asylum seekers in their care in a special housing facility in Burbach, Germany.

Refugee

The two American suspects, speaking perfect German and having German passports, filmed and photographed their deplorable actions on their mobile phones.

“These are pictures that we would associate with Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib,” everyone in the country babbled mindlessly in unison. “Both security guards are grinning so they just have to be American.”

German Of The Day: Lösegeld

That means ransom.

Terror

You know, like the ransom Germany just paid IS terrorists in Syria to free a 27 year-old German who wandered down there “not being aware of the threat posed there now by the ‘Islamic State.'”

The German government officially denies having paid the ransom, of course, but they have a long tradition of doing this. Paying the ransom and then denying that they did, I mean. And this is a very sound policy, I find, because by doing so they never have to deny that paying ransom to terrorists for German hostages only encourages them to take other hostages and then kill them later when the ransom is not paid.

Zahlte Deutschland Lösegeld? Does a bear scheißt in the woods?

Pissed Off German Accidentally Says Something Meaningful

Putin-Understanders: “Warmonger! Warmonger! Stop the Nazis in Ukraine!”

German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier: “The world does not consist of peace angels on one side and villains on the other. The world is unfortunately more complicated than that. And thank God there are still a few people out there who address this complexity and look for ways out of the crisis in Ukraine.”

“Dieses Maß an Hass und Dummheit, das mir auf dieser Veranstaltung entgegenschallte, hat mich in einem so hohen Maße empört, dass diese Rede so zustande kam, wie sie zustande kam.”

OMG! 27% Of Germans Hold Anti-Semitic Views!

Damn. That’s getting dangerously close to the Austrian (28%), Spanish (29%), French (37%) and Greek (69%) levels.

Jews

The highest level of anti-Semitism was found in the Palestinian territories of West Bank and Gaza at 93 per cent.

“Our findings are sobering but sadly not surprising.”

This Detergent Will Get Your Clothes Whiter Than White

A detergent just got pulled in Germany over a neo-Nazi code? Uh, OK.

Detergent

The use of Nazi slogans in public is banned in Germany, which neo-Nazis often try to circumvent by using codes. They use “88” to represent the phrase “Heil Hitler,” because “H” is the eighth letter of the alphabet. Similarly, “18” is used to stand for “A.H.” or Adolf Hitler.

Wow or something. I’ll wait until they come out with a product labeled “23-7-1-19″ before I start getting all excited. That’s code for “W.G.A.S” or “Who gives a shit?”

“Für ein reines Deutschland.”

Günter Wallraff Dresses Up As Günter Wallraff To Appear As Günter Wallraff On Günther Jauch

Günter Wallraff, disguised as the unspeakably annoying undercover reporter Günter Wallraff, appeared undercover last night on Günther Jauch to explain to Günther Jauch how he, as Günter Wallraff, just went undercover to uncover at Amazon ITSELF how Amazon is now single-handedly causing “our entire culture to atrophy” and how it is a “monster” that is using its “slave laborers” to bring “our entire society” in imminent danger (when he says “our” here, folks, he actually means “our” as in the “German our”).

Günter

Other than that though he appeared somewhat lucid at times, or at least until the end of the show when his hallucinations began to resurface again and he started foaming at the mouth once more and got in a few of his more predictable anti-American swipes but by that time it was time for me to go to bed and go undercover myself so I had no other choice but to shut his ridiculous ass down.

Günther Jauch stellt in seiner Talkshow den Boykott des Onlineversenders zur Debatte. Dabei fällt der Streit um unmögliche Arbeitsverhältnisse bei Amazon glatt in sich zusammen.

At Least It Didn’t Happen To The Muslims Or The Jews

This is nothing to get cross about or anything, I guess, but the OSCE reports that there were 414 cases of anti-Christian abuse and attacks in Germany last year.

Cross

The offences included acts of violence, church desecration and theft.

Zu den erfassten Delikten zählen Gewalttaten, Kirchenschändungen und Diebstahl.

German Left Rep Clearly Aroused During Snowden Visit

Green politician Hans-Christian Ströebele had the time of his long left life yesterday when he got the breathtaking opportunity to meet with prized US whistleblower (consipirator, betrayer, informer, defector, spy, etc.) Edward Snowden HIMSELF, up close and personal in Moscow ITSELF, to discuss the possibility of Snowden’s two-timing help in a German parliamentary investigation into sneaky US spy activities.

Snowden

Luckly, a German TV news team just happened to be in the vicinity at the time and was able to document this historic meeting for history ITSELF. The team had their hands full, however, just trying to keep a clearly erregt (aroused) Ströebele from stammering all over himself, so impressed was he with the snitchy Snowden. Snowden being Edward Snowden, after all.

After intensive three-hour questioning, Ströebele and Co. where finally able to determine that the American turncoat poster boy “clearly knows a lot” and that the only way Ströebele could possibly get more excited than he already was would be if Snowden could somehow be convinced to come to Germany to squeal some more there. I mean here. Please do oh pretty please do please!

“Er hat klar zu erkennen gegeben, dass er viel weiß.”

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