Cocky German Soccer Team Loses To Australia

Still on an unnatural natural high after their nation’s recent World Cup championship victory over Argentina in Brazil, an overconfident team of German robots has lost miserably to Australia 5-1 in the RoboCup 2014 final.

Robocup

Congratulations to the Rockem Sockem Socceroos. Those many long nights in the lab really paid off.

“Unfortunately, during the final, after our goalie saved an attempt, he fell over and while trying to get back up and in position we conceded the only goal during the entire competition.”

“Typewriter” Just First Step In New Wave Of German Anti-Spy Technologies

Gripped with paranoia after the shocking discovery that German information is being intercepted by foreign intelligence services, German counter-espionage experts now demand that all future communication be done using spy-proof “typewriter” technology.

Typewriter

What is more, foreign intelligence services operatives operating in the country have discovered a list indicating that the “typewriter” is only the first new-old anti-spy technology to be introduced in Germany.

The list, taken from an unsupervised “typewriter” (non-electric) in the reception area of the Germany Foreign Ministry, indicates that a whole new wave of old technology is to be introduced in the coming months. Among them will be cassette and eight-track tapes, VCRs, Polaroid instant cameras, the Walkman, carousel slide projectors, ditto machines, Morse code and the abacus. Needles to say, the use of cell phones, microwave ovens and remote control for television will have to be verboten.

“Before I start using typewriters and burning notes after reading, I’d rather abolish the secret services.”

Anti-Chancellor To Anti-Celebrate Her Anti-60th Birthday Tomorrow

And she’s been running the show here in Germany for about 40 of those sixty years too, I think. But don’t call her Anti, I mean Aunti. Her real name is Mutti.

Merkel

I’d wish you a happy birthday now, Frau Bundeskanzlerin, but Germans like you are very superstitious about doing that before the actual birthday takes place, so I won’t. But I’ll think it now anyway.

Das Talent der Angela Merkel, heraufziehende Chancen und Risiken zu erkennen und – ganz unabhängig von ihrer Überzeugung – opportun darauf zu reagieren, ist gut dokumentiert: beim nach Fukushima plötzlich betriebenen Atomausstieg, beim Ringen um Jean-Claude Juncker, als sie gleich mehrmals die Position wechselte, oder in der NSA-Affäre, in der sie zu Gunsten guter US-Beziehungen lange schwieg und auch angesichts der jüngsten Spionage-Skandale nur symbolisch handelt, um die Deutschen zu beruhigen.

Gerade die größten Erfolge der Kanzlerin bleiben bei einer derartigen Management-Methode unbesungen. Es sind jene Katastrophen, die nicht eingetreten sind, weil vorsichtiges, iteratives Agieren sie verhindert hat. Merkels größter Verdienst ist letztlich jene lang anhaltende Phase der Langeweile, an der Intellektuelle gerade wieder so lautstark leiden.

My Pope Can Beat Up Your Pope

Germans everywhere seem to be particularly nervous today for some reason. Somebody told me  it might have something to do with soccer. And Argentina.

Nervous

I’d be nervous then, too. Each team has a pope in the corner.

My the best pope win.

For the first time ever, the two teams facing each other in the World Cup final will each have a living pope in their corner: Pope Francis’ Argentina against Pope Emeritus Benedict’s Germany.

More Berlin Fashion Week Fashion!

Damn. With all this World Cup crap going on these days practically all of this wonderful Berlin Fashion Week fashion slipped right past me somehow. Right under my nose, so-to-speak. Sorry.

Fashion

If only I had the figure to wear some of this stuff. The glasses, maybe.

Sci-Fi-Prinzessinen aus der Vergangenheit.

Germans Shocked That Top US Intelligence Official Was Involved In Spying

And that’s why they have now asked him to get his little top secret agent ass out of the country like pronto, buddy. Or at least I can only assume that’s the reason why.

CIA

“We were stunned to learn that a professional undercover snoop like this would have the audacity to abuse our mutual trust and openness by spying on us like this,” a spokesman for the German government must have said. “It’s just not the kind of thing that sneaky secret agent types like that do. At least it’s not what the German ones do.”

Nach Bekanntwerden eines weiteren möglichen Spionagefalls hat die Bundesregierung erste Konsequenzen gezogen. Der Repräsentant der amerikanischen Nachrichtendienste an der amerikanischen Botschaft wurde aufgefordert, Deutschland zu verlassen.

Germans Wrestling With Unresolvable Guilt After Annihilating Brazil

After a devastating 7-1 victory over Brazil, and with World Cup domination possibly just one small step around the corner, Germans everywhere have instinctively begun flagellating themselves with guilt and remorse in a futile attempt to come to grips with the responsibility they feel for the soccer atrocities committed in their name last night.

Soccer

“4-0 would have been enough,” a spokesman for the shamed German people said.

“This victory is too high,” another disturbed German tweeted. “Shame. Compassion for humiliated opponent. Quickly to bed.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel caught the mood with typical understatement. “I think it almost deserves the name ‘historic,” she said.

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