German Roots?

What? Like hair roots? They look like they could have been developed in a German laboratory to me.

Trump

Now we know why this guy rubs so many of us the wrong way. His real name is actually Trumpf. Or it could have been. Sorry, I can’t find a German equivalent for Donald (they even call Donald Duck Donald Duck over here, in case you were wondering).

The ancestors of the “anti-immigrant” crusader Donald Trump come from a small village in western Germany. The documentary film “Kings of Kallstadt” explores the modest roots of the family’s real estate empire.

Frederick Trump immigrated to the US in 1885.

Back To The Zukunft

Is this for real, folks? Did they just pop through some 70s wormhole to wreak havoc in our own current space time continuum (assuming there is such a thing as a current one)?

RAF

DNA samples tell us that RAF terrorists (?) retro-terrorized us last June while attempting an armed robbery but we didn’t even notice it because, well, like what were they going to be? RAF terrorists or something? Besides, they botched it.

What is this? I mean, their pictures are still in black and white for crying out loud.

One thing is for certain, though: They did not get away in a DeLorean. They were using a Ford Focus. At least the cops know now that they didn’t get very far. That is definitely one “no future” automobile.

The three fled the scene – a supermarket car park in Gross Mackenstedt – in a Ford Focus, having failed to grab the cash that was inside the van. The two security men inside were unhurt.

We Always Knew This Guy Didn’t Have Any Balls

Now it’s official.

Balls

Analysis of long-lost medical notes seems to confirm that Nazi leader suffered from cryptorchidism, or an undescended right testicle.

Schon seit über 70 Jahren halten sich die hartnäckigen Gerüchte, Adolf Hitler hätte nur einen Hoden gehabt. Britische Soldaten schmetterten im Zweiten Weltkrieg den Schmähgesang “Hilter has only got one ball” (zu deutsch: Hitler hat nur ein Ei).

TIME Magazine To Shorten Its Name

To “A politically left-intellectual group of high earners in a country that receives virtually no refugees” Magazine. I mean lengthen it, of course.

Merkel

The American magazine’s decision to honour her (Angela Merkel) with the high-profile award went down less well in Germany itself, where there is deep unrest over the huge numbers of migrants streaming in every day from the Middle East.

Felix Steiner, an editor at state broadcaster Deutsche Welle, said writers in New York who were praising Mrs Merkel’s open door migration policy had no idea about the impact it has had on German communities.

“The haunted ones are the cities and municipalities that are being forced to take in ever more refugees and have no idea how they will ever be able to house and care for them.”

David Vance said (on Twitter): “Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was named runner-up to Merkel in Time “Person of the Year” Says it all, really.”

PS: Speaking of “a country that receives virtually no refugees,” somebody told me that Germany has taken in more “refugees” in 2015 than the United States of Amerika has in the past ten years. Should I believe that person or not?

“Tour Angela Merkel’s Germany”

Sound like Disneyland? It should. It is. Only different.

Merkel

And ask any migrant here these days: The lines are even longer.

Die Kanzlerin ist die erste Frau seit 29 Jahren, die den Titel “Person of the year” bekommen hat. Hinter Merkel landeten IS-Führer Al-Baghdadi und Donald Trump.

Meanwhile… A popular attraction at Disneyland-Deutschland these days is apparently a ride called Arson Attack: 817 crimes have been committed against refugee centers in Germany this year – that’s a number four times higher than it was in 2014.

Making Unpopular Decisions?

That was never a problem with this guy. And you don’t see that very much anymore, do you? Here or anywhere else. Sorry to see him go.

Helmut Schmidt

During his two terms as chancellor of West Germany, from 1974 through 1982, Schmidt even had trouble convincing his own Social Democratic party to back him. His insistence on maintaining a balanced budget during an economic slowdown irritated his colleagues who were pushing for a stimulus; his push to station U.S. nuclear missiles on German territory angered the many members of the party’s grassroots who preferred to pursue rapprochement with the Soviet Union. Schmidt, for his part, scorned the inspiration-peddling politicians who stoked the idealism of late 1960s and 1970s Germany — and did so, according to Schmidt, in order to feed their own egos.

“If you have visions, you should go see a doctor.”

PS: One of my favorite sayings of his (regarding the treatment of Germany after World War II) is „Wir sind mit einem blauen Auge davongekommen.“ Meaning, we got out of it with a black eye, as in unscathed.

German Of The Day: Geht Nicht Gibt’s Nicht

That means, “it’s not possible is not an option.” And that’s where we are right now with this German refugee crisis, I believe.

Merkel

What would you think, my fellow Americans, if your fearless leader (let’s call him “The Pres”) were to tell you in a nationally televised address that it simply is not possible for the United States to stop the influx of refugees coming in from, say, Canada? Or, I dunno, Mexico maybe? You would rightly think, well then what’s the point of having the freakin’ border in the first place?

Well, that’s what the world’s most powerful woman has told her countrymen in Germany now on several occasions.

I have not yet figured out why she is saying this – because it obviously is possible – but talk about your self-fullfilling prophecy. If what she really means is that it is not possible for HER to secure her country’s borders (European Union borders clearly do not exit so these are the only borders left), then somebody else after her will. And I think this could happen pretty quickly now, too.

In other words, German of the day coming soon: Putsch.

Schäuble ist am Ende seiner Karriere angelangt. Er hat nichts zu verlieren. Er ist die Schlüsselfigur, der ideale Mann, einen Putsch anzuführen. Der einzige, der es erfolgreich tun könnte. Er wäre ein denkbarer Übergangskanzler im Fall der Fälle.

PS: I think what we’ve got here with Angie is the next Günther Schabowski.

Just In Case You Were Wondering

German playmates will continue to take their clothes off. For as long as the German Playboy manages to stay solvent, at least.

Playboy

And yikes! You will still need to wear sunglasses when paging through the damned thing (why are German girls so… shiny?).

In Germany, too, nudity and porn is accessible on the Internet, and the magazine’s circulation numbers are steadily declining as well. In the fourth quarter of 2009, Playboy Germany sold 256,866 issues. By the second quarter of 2015, this number had decreased to 167,700 issues, according to German statistics portal Statista.

You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture.

What Germans Brought To Amerika?

Other than bitching and moaning, you mean?

TTIP

Whah? There’s a German-American Day? I had no idea, again. Too bad I missed the celebrations this year, too.

Hmmm. What did they bring to us (as in US), anyway? Well, there’s aspirin for one thing, for when the bitching and moaning gets to be too much. Gimme a minute. Gimme a minute, I said. OK, there’s the ring binder. That’s pretty cool. They also brought us the hair perm – and the Easter Bunny himself! Then there’s German chocolate cake. Ha, ha. Just kidding. A German doesn’t know what the hell German chocolate cake is, people. That’s as American as apple pie. Anyway, yeah. You know. They brought us stuff like that. And a lot of bitching and moaning, too. Happy holiday.

From Kindergarten and Christmas trees to hamburgers and hotdogs, German-Americans are credited with some of the most recognizable features of US culture to have emerged in the past 300 years.

Less than 5% now speak German themselves.

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