It’s TTIP, All Right

It’s TTIP of your normal-everyday-hysterical-German-anti-American iceberg.

TTIP

“All this enters the debate, but it surprises me a bit that the resistance is so strong in a country like Germany, where the benefits will be the greatest.”

The most controversial element of TTIP is a plan to let companies have legal disputes with governments heard by supra-national tribunals, which campaigners say would undermine national sovereignty and favour big business.

The so-called investor-state dispute settlement, or ISDS, allows firms to sue national governments if they feel that local rulings — such as health and safety regulations — violate the trade deal and threaten their investments.

The courts are a critical issue for US negotiators, who underline that these types of panels have existed for decades and are already included in thousands of trade deals worldwide, including about 400 in Europe.

„Dabei ist es geradezu bizarr, dass die Debatte in Deutschland so aufgeheizt ist: Schließlich profitiert kein Land so stark von TTIP wie Deutschland.”

We Know Nothing

Nothing! Not even the last name of this guy. He’s just Andreas L. to us. And that’s why everybody here is so pissed off at some of the German media for revealing, like, his entire name and everything!

Andreas Lubitz

We Germans respect his privacy, you see. Even though he’s dead – along with the other 149 innocent people he killed. Oops! We don’t know that yet. No jumping to conclusions here, folks. At any rate, we’re crazy about privacy. Some say we’re even stark raving mad about it.

In the U.S., it’s standard operating procedure to release the names of people who are suspected of committing a crime. But in Germany, where people are far more sensitive about the line between public and private, that is not done. Critics in the country have cast the move as a reckless rush to judgment, and accuse the media of exploiting the tragedy before all the facts have been established. Others believe that the co-pilot’s family could now face retaliation for the crash.

Analysis of a tablet device belonging to Germanwings Flight 9525 co-pilot Andreas Lubitz shows he researched suicide methods on the Internet in the days leading up to the crash, the public prosecutor’s office in Dusseldorf, Germany, said Thursday.

Germans Don’t Frack Around

Germany is just about to make German fracking safer. In a country that doesn’t do any fracking in the first place, versteht sich (it’s understood). And they are going to make it safer by banning it altogether. Makes sense to me. When I concentrate really hard and try to think like a German, I mean (can’t do it for very long, though).

Fracking

The new draft law, which now goes to parliament for approval, will impose an outright ban on fracking for shale gas in the next few years and only allow scientific test drilling under strict conditions to assess the risks and environmental impact.

The law could allow commercial shale gas fracking in exceptional cases from 2019 but only after successful test drilling and the approval of a special committee.

Germany’s gas industry has warned restricting fracking could increase the country’s dependence on imported energy at a time when geopolitical concerns, particularly over Ukraine, are growing.

The BDI industry lobby group described the new conditions as “completely over the top”.

Last year, gas imports from Russia accounted for 37 percent of Germany’s supply. Only 12 percent of Germany’s needs were covered by its own reserves, down from almost a fifth a decade earlier.

Uber And Out

Always remember: What is not expressly allowed in Germany is strictly forbidden.

Uber

A court in Frankfurt has ruled that the UberPop ride-hailing service may not operate anywhere in Germany for the simple reason that, uh, well, you ought to have an official permit to do so. To be the driver, I mean.

This is a big relief for everybody here because if people didn’t have to have official permits to use the service then anybody could just simply offer or choose to use the service on his or her own, without being regulated. One can’t have that here because this would make the people who would otherwise make the regulations and hand out the permits superfluous and also make taxi driving more competitive and even bring down prices for the consumer, without these prices being properly regulated first, I mean. There are a lot of bad implications here, people. So, like I said, strictly forbidden. Or verboten, if you prefer.

And besides, they spell Uber wrong.

„Ubers Geschäftsmodell basiert auf Rechtsbruch.“

Germans Confused Why Everybody In Europe Wants TTIP Except Them

It’s like I say, folks: A real German says no first and asks questions later (that was oddity 255, if you’re interested). And if US-Amerika is involved in the calculation (see TTIP), all bets are off.

TTIP

“The EU has published a survey according to which citizens are downright euphoric about the free trade agreement TTIP. In all, 25 Member States [of the 28] there will pour sheer enthusiasm over the completely secretly negotiated agreement, but for one small exception: Germans are mostly against the TTIP.”

Die EU hat in Deutschland einen merkwürdigen Zusammenhang zwischen der Befürwortung von TTIP und der „Demokratiezufriedenheit“ der Bürger ausgemacht. In anderen Ländern lasse sich ein solcher Zusammenhang nicht feststellen.

Capitalism Causes All This Awful German Affluence

And it must be stopped immediately (the capitalism, not the affluence). And let’s get rid of democracy while we’re at it.

Democracy

Survey says… Nearly a third of Germans believe that capitalism is the cause of poverty and hunger.

The poll of 1,400 people found that 59 percent of Germans in the formerly communist east consider communist and socialist ideals a good idea for society. In western Germany, 37 percent said they considered communist and socialist ideals to be good…

The survey found that more than 60 percent of Germans believe there is no genuine democracy in their country because industry has too much political influence and that the voice of the voters plays only a subordinate role.

Although not covered by this particular survey, capitalism and democracy are clearly also the cause behind the German obesity problem, the German six weeks of vacation a year problem, the German lowest unemployment rate and highest per capita (does that word come from capitalism?) savings in all of Europe problems, too. To name just a few.

Einer Studie zufolge glauben mehr als 60 Prozent der Bürger, dass in Deutschland keine echte Demokratie herrscht.

German Greenness Now A Recognized Disease

Just like practically everything else around here. It’s called Gefährliche Öko-Hysterie (Dangerous Eco-Hysteria or DEH) and has blossomed out to become one of the top Volkskrankheiten (collective, people’s diseases) in the country, although I couldn’t give you it’s official ranking on the official top-ten disease list because these top-ten diseases change every few minutes anyway.

Grün

The problem with German Greenness or DEH is not so much that everyone in Germany has swallowed what the green shirts have been feeding them for decades. Hook, line and sinker, I mean. The problem here arises when the Widersprüche (contradictions) of green shirt ideology begin popping up their ugly little pointed heads. And they do this all the time, if you just look a little closer. Here are just a few such contradictory symptoms that might catch your attention:

“Are energy-saving lamps environmentally friendly if they contain poisonous mercury? Is organic farming truly ecological if twice as much land is needed for the same harvest? Are wind power plants environmentally friendly if they hack thousands of birds and bats to pieces? What effects does biodiesel have on nature if it comes from palm oil and rainforests have to be burned down to cultivate that? Why aren’t German friends of the sun concerned that Chinese solar cell factories pollute the environment and poison people?”

Try as they might, the Germans, green as they may claim to be, nevertheless have no choice but to start thinking about such contradictions from time to time and these contradictions can cause intense innere Spannung (inner tension) and Aufruhr (turmoil). They wonder if maybe the green regime isn’t what it claims to be after all. Some have even begun listening and watching Feindsender (enemy radio stations, TV and Internet sites), although this is strictly forbidden, of course. One or two have even organized Widerstand (resistance groups). Of course I’m just speculating here about the one or two organizing Widerstand but you must admit that it is at least theoretically possible.

Anyways, I want all of you to take two green aspirin and call me in the morning. Better yet, take two green aspirin and go away. Go off to Valhalla or Waldhalla or wherever it is you greens go to when you fade away, which will never be fast enough for me. You dangerously eco-hysterical sickos, you.

Alle sind grün geworden, von Angela Merkel bis Margot Käßmann, von “Bild” bis “Brigitte”, von der Allianz bis zum ADAC. Sogar McDonald’s hat sein Logo von rot auf grün umgefärbt. Gleichzeitig wird immer verschwommener, für was die Etiketten “grün” oder “nachhaltig” überhaupt noch stehen.

Germany New Measles Superpower

And here you thought US-Amerika must be a world leader when it came to irresponsible immunization rates. Measles The United States has been shocked by a surge in measles cases with more than 100 incidents in January alone. This, however, is much less worrisome than a current outbreak in Germany. While authorities there had hoped to completely eliminate the disease this year, 254 new cases emerged in January, primarily in Berlin. If we consider that the German population is only one fourth of the United States’, the German measles surge was about 10 times worse than the one in the United States in January, relative to the total population. “The outbreak in Berlin is a sobering setback. In general, Germany’s immunization rate is too low.”

PS: Germans are also super-good at producing journalists who like to twist the facts, too. Their lies might not be quite as spectacular as other journalists‘ lies are, but still.

15 Cool German Illnesses You Can Only Get Here

Mostly because 1) you probably can’t pronounce them and 2) they don’t really exist.

Zivilizationskrankheit

Germans aren’t hypochondriacs, by the way. They’re Hypochonder.

14. ZIVILISATIONSKRANKHEIT

Zivilisationskrankheit, or “civilization sickness” is a problem caused by living in the modern world. Stress, obesity, eating disorders, carpal tunnel syndrome and diseases like type 2 diabetes are all examples.

This Sick Lady Right Here Just Will Not Go Away

Nor will they take a new picture of her, either. It’s just that good.

Sick Lady

First she had mental illness issues.

Then she got really depressed because of her mental illness issues.

Now she’s totally stressed out because she lives in North Rhine-Westphalia, which is known to cause a lot of depression and mental illness issues. If you live there, I mean. Or at least it’s known for that now.

Word has it namely (a new study) that people there suffer more than elsewhere in Germany because they don’t move enough, they don’t eat healthy enough food and they drink too much (alcohol). And they’re always running into this wacky lady here, looks like. Wherever they go in North Rhine-Westphalia. I think I need a drink now, too.

Stress ist laut einer bundesweiten Studie am häufigsten für Menschen in Nordrhein-Westfalen ein Problem. Nur 8 Prozent der Menschen in Nordrhein-Westfalen leben in Sachen Bewegung, Ernährung, Stress und Alkohol laut einer Studie rundum gesund.

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