Germany Says It’s “Very Worried” About Eastern Ukraine

Russia replies: “You must have confused us with somebody who gives a shit.”

Ukraine

Pro-Russian demonstrators stormed regional government buildings in the industrial hub of Donetsk on Sunday as well as security service offices in nearby Luhansk and the regional administrative building in Kharkiv.

“We must urgently renew our appeal to all those in positions of responsibility to help stabilise the region and avoid such escalation.”

Meanwhile… Gazprom-Gerd celebrates his 70th birthday in Hannover and everybody is having a ball! It’s unclear if Vlad Putin will be able to attend or not, however.

News flash! This just in: Vlad couldn’t make it after all but sent G.-G. some Happy Birthday fireworks instead! How cute or something.

Putin-Verstehers Shocked By McDonald’s Provocative Move

McDonald’s has startled Putin “understander” everywhere across Germany by announcing that it has shut down three of its franchise fast food joints in Crimea.

Understanding

Damn. These are clearly the most effective Western sanctions yet. And could lead to war or something.

In the days of the cold war, the Soviet Union and East Germany infiltrated their spies into the Bundestag, the federal bureaucracy, and even the chancellor’s (Willy Brandt’s) inner circle. The Federal Republic of Germany was Russia’s most spectacular espionage success, made possible by the common lineage of German communists and the Social Democrats (SPD), who alternated in power with rival Christian Democrats throughout the postwar era.

A quarter century after the end of the cold war, the German social democrats are still providing ideological cover for the Russian Bear along with their cast-out brethren – the ex-communists of Die Linke party. These prominent German Putin-Empathizers (from Versteher or, literally “understander” in German) serve as Putin’s first line of defense against meaningful European sanctions for the Anschluss of Crimea.

PS: Speaking of closing shop, “Wetten, das..?ITSELF has been cancelled on German TV itself. In Germany itself. Holy guacamole! What’s the German equivalent for Americana anyway?

I bet the ZDF might have been prepared to cancel the show in Crimea, too. If it were aired there, I mean. But it isn’t so they won’t.

Der Aufwand der Show stünde nicht mehr im Verhältnis zur Resonanz der Zuschauer.

German Energy Turnaround Finally Turned Around For Good?

As in your classic “tango uniform” turnaround? She is way too expensive, señor.

Turnaround

The German Energiewende (energy transition) – once an international model – threatens to disintegrate…

The Handelsblatt Research Institute monitored 24 industrialised and newly industrialising countries over a span of 5 years, looking at 51 different indicators. In the end, the researchers condensed the data into two overall rankings: mapping the status quo, and tracing the trend of the past 5 years.

Good news first: Germany’s current ranking is a respectable 8. Only smaller states with “good topographies” had better results, explained Rürup during the presentation of the study. Sweden holds first place, followed by Norway, Austria, Switzerland and Denmark. But even France – due to its high share of nuclear power – and Spain outranked Germany.

But for Germany, the results of the second category are even worse. Here, in the “dynamic ranking”, which reflects the developing trend during the examination period, Germany came in last place.

The reason for this, according to the study, are rising CO2 emissions and high per capita energy consumption. Energy prices have also risen significantly in recent years; nowhere, do households spend more on their energy bills than in Germany.

Nach der Bund-Länder-Einigung auf die Ausgestaltung der Energiewende droht Gabriel neues Ungemach. Grund sind die hohen Kosten für das Projekt.

PS: If only they could learn how to harness the power of Berlin’s rising ground water.

Thank Goodness Email Made In Germany Is Safe

Safe from those awful NSA criminals over there in US-Amerika, I mean. Remember the recent “Boom Triggered By NSA: German Email Services Report Surge in Demand” hype?

Theft

Well now it turns out that evil data criminals have somehow managed to steal some 18 million email accounts, with passwords, across the board, from all the major German Internet providers. And these guys weren’t even working for the NSA, people!

You just can’t trust any kind of Internet criminal these days, I guess.

Die Staatsanwaltschaft Verden ist auf einen Datensatz von 18 Millionen E-Mail-Adressen samt Passwörtern gestoßen. Betroffen sind alle großen deutschen Provider.

Best Paid Pilots In The World Need More Money

And more early retirement.

Strike

Lufthansa has now been grounded by a three-day pilot strike.

Lufthansa pilots belong to the best paid pilots in the world. At some American airlines the pilots only earn a fraction of what they get, an international comparison shows.

Die Piloten der Lufthansa gehören zu den bestbezahlten Flugkapitänen weltweit. Bei einigen amerikanischen Fluglinien wird nur ein Bruchteil dessen verdient, wie ein internationaler Vergleich zeigt.

“We’ll first see out the strike and then we’ll think about talks.”

PS: The belief that labor unions can substantially raise real wages over the long run and for the whole working population is one of the great delusions of the present age. This delusion is mainly the result of failure to recognize that wages are basically determined by labor productivity

Even The Germans Are Figuring Out That ADHD Is A Hoax

The use of Ritalin for ADHD (ADHS in German) in Germany is now sinking for the first time in 20 years. And this despite the fact that more and more adults are now using it.

ADHS

German families and even German doctors themselves are now coming to the shocking conclusion that not every German child with the fictitious disease needs to be prescribed a real medicine for it. So like, what do they do now? And how are they going to break it to the kids?

Some sociologists consider ADHD to be an example of the medicalization of deviant behavior, or in other words, the turning of the previously non medical issue of school performance into a medical one.

“ADHD is a prime example of a fictitious disease.”

We Apologize For Being Russia Apologists

But we’ve already gotten over it and we’re sure that you will soon, too.

Survey

Be they people who simply romanticize Russia, those with a penchant for realpolitik, those nostalgic for the Soviet Union or just armchair leftists, there are so many people seemingly sympathetic to the annexation that many are scratching their heads and asking if Germany is a country of Russia apologists.

No need to wonder about it, people. You are.

In the states that were part of East Germany, one encounters a bond with the former occupying power that at times borders on Stockholm syndrome.

PS: Between rounds of apologies for Putin, 100 German academics have found the time to get together and write an open letter in opposition to the planned honorary professorship of Henry Kissinger at the University of Bonn. They accuse the Nobel Peace Prize winner of being a war criminal, a criminal against humanity a Chilean putschist dude and an overall Emperor of Evil. I’m going to go out on the limb here, but something tells me that these professors were students back in 1968.

You Gotta Have Principles

Especially when you’re Germany’s leading neo-Nazi party, I mean.

NPD

An NPD porn star was dropped by her party after it was discovered that she had filmed a sex scene with a black man.

“I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.”

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