To Spy Where No German Spy Has Ever Spied Before

Germany is commemorating the first anniversary of US spying revelations by announcing that its spies will now start doing bad things, too. You know, like spying on friendly intelligence agencies who spy on them?

Spy

It may take them some time to get going, however, as German intelligence agencies have never ever considered doing such an awful thing before and don’t have much practical experience in this nasty business. German intelligence agencies are more like German social intelligence agencies, you see. They are more adept at effectively negotiating complex social relationships and environments. In the cutthroat international spying community, I mean.

In Zukunft soll die Spionageabwehr auch befreundete Staaten einschließen: Nach Informationen von SZ, NDR und WDR hat sich die Bundesregierung dazu entschlossen, auch amerikanische und britische Geheimdienste auf deutschem Boden zu observieren.

Wave Of Anti-Hamas Rallies Hits Cities Across Germany

Enraged at the cowardly Hamas rocket attacks that have provoked Israel’s ground offensive into the Gaza Strip, thousands of Islamists, left-wing extremists and neo-Nazis have taken to the streets all across Germany to vent their hate by chanting clever new ant-Semitic slogans.

Israel

“Jew, Jew, cowardly swine, come out and fight on your own!” was a particularly popular one at a rally in Berlin, for instance. “Hamas, Hamas, Jews in the gas!” came in a close second, however.

It is unclear what effect these slogans have had upon the Hamas terrorists firing said rockets but it doesn’t really matter all that much because their capacity to do so is being taken away from them as you read this. Right about… Now.

“Jude, Jude, feiges Schwein, komm heraus und kämpf allein.”

“Typewriter” Just First Step In New Wave Of German Anti-Spy Technologies

Gripped with paranoia after the shocking discovery that German information is being intercepted by foreign intelligence services, German counter-espionage experts now demand that all future communication be done using spy-proof “typewriter” technology.

Typewriter

What is more, foreign intelligence services operatives operating in the country have discovered a list indicating that the “typewriter” is only the first new-old anti-spy technology to be introduced in Germany.

The list, taken from an unsupervised “typewriter” (non-electric) in the reception area of the Germany Foreign Ministry, indicates that a whole new wave of old technology is to be introduced in the coming months. Among them will be cassette and eight-track tapes, VCRs, Polaroid instant cameras, the Walkman, carousel slide projectors, ditto machines, Morse code and the abacus. Needles to say, the use of cell phones, microwave ovens and remote control for television will have to be verboten.

“Before I start using typewriters and burning notes after reading, I’d rather abolish the secret services.”

Anti-Chancellor To Anti-Celebrate Her Anti-60th Birthday Tomorrow

And she’s been running the show here in Germany for about 40 of those sixty years too, I think. But don’t call her Anti, I mean Aunti. Her real name is Mutti.

Merkel

I’d wish you a happy birthday now, Frau Bundeskanzlerin, but Germans like you are very superstitious about doing that before the actual birthday takes place, so I won’t. But I’ll think it now anyway.

Das Talent der Angela Merkel, heraufziehende Chancen und Risiken zu erkennen und – ganz unabhängig von ihrer Überzeugung – opportun darauf zu reagieren, ist gut dokumentiert: beim nach Fukushima plötzlich betriebenen Atomausstieg, beim Ringen um Jean-Claude Juncker, als sie gleich mehrmals die Position wechselte, oder in der NSA-Affäre, in der sie zu Gunsten guter US-Beziehungen lange schwieg und auch angesichts der jüngsten Spionage-Skandale nur symbolisch handelt, um die Deutschen zu beruhigen.

Gerade die größten Erfolge der Kanzlerin bleiben bei einer derartigen Management-Methode unbesungen. Es sind jene Katastrophen, die nicht eingetreten sind, weil vorsichtiges, iteratives Agieren sie verhindert hat. Merkels größter Verdienst ist letztlich jene lang anhaltende Phase der Langeweile, an der Intellektuelle gerade wieder so lautstark leiden.

More Berlin Fashion Week Fashion!

Damn. With all this World Cup crap going on these days practically all of this wonderful Berlin Fashion Week fashion slipped right past me somehow. Right under my nose, so-to-speak. Sorry.

Fashion

If only I had the figure to wear some of this stuff. The glasses, maybe.

Sci-Fi-Prinzessinen aus der Vergangenheit.

Germans Shocked That Top US Intelligence Official Was Involved In Spying

And that’s why they have now asked him to get his little top secret agent ass out of the country like pronto, buddy. Or at least I can only assume that’s the reason why.

CIA

“We were stunned to learn that a professional undercover snoop like this would have the audacity to abuse our mutual trust and openness by spying on us like this,” a spokesman for the German government must have said. “It’s just not the kind of thing that sneaky secret agent types like that do. At least it’s not what the German ones do.”

Nach Bekanntwerden eines weiteren möglichen Spionagefalls hat die Bundesregierung erste Konsequenzen gezogen. Der Repräsentant der amerikanischen Nachrichtendienste an der amerikanischen Botschaft wurde aufgefordert, Deutschland zu verlassen.

This Guy Is As American As Apfelkuchen

You know, apple pie?

Brooks

Good luck on Thursday, US-Amerikaner! Thanks for the link, Joe.

Though German by birth, Brooks’ American nationality has always been a significant part of his background. His father is from Illinois and was stationed in Germany when he served in the U.S. Army. Brooks is close with his father (who now lives in Switzerland) and traveled back to the United States to visit family during his youth.

Growing up in Berlin, Brooks was enrolled in the John F. Kennedy school for American children living in Germany. Until the sixth grade, he only spoke English in school and most of his childhood friends were American.

“Where’s The P?”

“Running down my leg.”

Water

Germany stomped Portugal 4-0 on Monday, and it seems as if the whole city of Berlin was watching intently. The chart above—from the city’s public water utility—shows water usage from 6 p.m. on the day of the game to 6 a.m. In two dramatic spikes, coming at halftime and at the close of the game, water consumption nearly doubled. Lots of pee was being held.

“A model of German scheduling efficiency. Meanwhile, the Spanish just haphazardly pissed away two entire matches.”

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