Bring This Guy To Germany, Please

German Aufregung (fuss and commotion) is a funny thing.

Edward Snowden

On the one hand, the Germans feel that it is absolutely, unquestionably and positively of the very utmost importance that their Volksheld Edward Snowden be brought to Germany right here this minute so he can testify against that despicable Empire of Evil itself, the NSA (stands for Narks, Spys and Agent provocateurs, I think).

On the other hand, well, if Mr. Snowden were in fact to come to Germany, the Germans, unfortunately being Germans, being the reliable, law-abiding and legalistic Germans they are, would have no other recourse but to extradite their folk hero to US-Amerika to face the criminal charges that are currently waiting for him there.

This is a dilemma. Or maybe a predicament. Perhaps even a quandary. At any rate, it really is a funny thing, like I said. You see it just doesn’t cost you anything to make a big loud fuss and commotion about something when you know right from the start you won’t ever “have to deliver” on anything concerning it.

“Wenn Snowden nach Deutschland käme, müsste die Bundesregierung meines Erachtens einem rechtlich einwandfreien Auslieferungsersuchen der USA stattgeben.”

What Goes Around Comes Around

Even GERMANS hate compatriots who reserve sunloungers on holiday, according to new research

Chairs

Germans take around 70million holidays a year as a nation, but are far from relaxed despite all their time off.

The survey found that most Germans abroad get upset easily – including 14 per cent who are annoyed by other tourists, mainly Russians, Chinese, Brits and other Germans.

Bleeding-Heart German Responsible For Heartbleed Bug

Well here’s yet another case of that famous German Gründlichkeit in action (that means thoroughness).

Heartbleed
A major Internet security bug that affects websites like Google and Facebook has been discovered, leaving users’ financial details and emails vulnerable to theft by cybercriminals.

The so-called “Heartbleed bug” was discovered in OpenSSL software—an encryption service used by around two-thirds of websites to protect information sent to and from Web pages.

The German software developer responsible says that he didn’t deliberately make the mistake when he was working on the popular OpenSSL software. Honest.

“In one of the new features, unfortunately, I missed validating a variable containing a length.”

Rostock Universität Beats Nobel Committee To The Draw

Frantic to beat the coming Nobel Peace Prize award being planned in Oslo, the Faculty of Philosophy at the University of Rostock has boldly decided to launch a preemptive honorary doctorate award strike at that less than honorable doctor of whistleblowing himself, Edward Snowden.

Rostock

The faculty council approved the cold-blooded, unprovoked resolution with 17 of 21 votes.

The thoroughly prepared German folk hero could not be reached directly for comment but reliable sources watching his every move day and night report having overheard him already practicing his acceptance speech, saying that he is “honored by the honor, scout’s honor,” or something to that effect.

Die Fakultät und Snowden haben bislang keinen Kontakt miteinander gehabt. Es gebe aber Beziehungen zu Menschen, die mit Snowden in Verbindung stehen.

Putin-Verstehers Shocked By McDonald’s Provocative Move

McDonald’s has startled Putin “understander” everywhere across Germany by announcing that it has shut down three of its franchise fast food joints in Crimea.

Understanding

Damn. These are clearly the most effective Western sanctions yet. And could lead to war or something.

In the days of the cold war, the Soviet Union and East Germany infiltrated their spies into the Bundestag, the federal bureaucracy, and even the chancellor’s (Willy Brandt’s) inner circle. The Federal Republic of Germany was Russia’s most spectacular espionage success, made possible by the common lineage of German communists and the Social Democrats (SPD), who alternated in power with rival Christian Democrats throughout the postwar era.

A quarter century after the end of the cold war, the German social democrats are still providing ideological cover for the Russian Bear along with their cast-out brethren – the ex-communists of Die Linke party. These prominent German Putin-Empathizers (from Versteher or, literally “understander” in German) serve as Putin’s first line of defense against meaningful European sanctions for the Anschluss of Crimea.

PS: Speaking of closing shop, “Wetten, das..?ITSELF has been cancelled on German TV itself. In Germany itself. Holy guacamole! What’s the German equivalent for Americana anyway?

I bet the ZDF might have been prepared to cancel the show in Crimea, too. If it were aired there, I mean. But it isn’t so they won’t.

Der Aufwand der Show stünde nicht mehr im Verhältnis zur Resonanz der Zuschauer.

Thank Goodness Email Made In Germany Is Safe

Safe from those awful NSA criminals over there in US-Amerika, I mean. Remember the recent “Boom Triggered By NSA: German Email Services Report Surge in Demand” hype?

Theft

Well now it turns out that evil data criminals have somehow managed to steal some 18 million email accounts, with passwords, across the board, from all the major German Internet providers. And these guys weren’t even working for the NSA, people!

You just can’t trust any kind of Internet criminal these days, I guess.

Die Staatsanwaltschaft Verden ist auf einen Datensatz von 18 Millionen E-Mail-Adressen samt Passwörtern gestoßen. Betroffen sind alle großen deutschen Provider.

You Gotta Have Principles

Especially when you’re Germany’s leading neo-Nazi party, I mean.

NPD

An NPD porn star was dropped by her party after it was discovered that she had filmed a sex scene with a black man.

“I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.”

We Are Not Soft On Russia

Germany said today. “We’re pretty soft on China, though.”

China

When asked why this is, the craven central European country replied “Well duh. We’re just like real pushovers when it comes to Chinese cash, that’s all. Isn’t every exporting powerhouse? We had a trade volume with China of 140.4 billion euros ($193 billion) last year, after all. That makes them our number 3 trading partner! And here you thought we were just dependent upon Russian gas.”

Asked whether China should stand up more assertively against Russia’s actions in Ukraine, Xi said that “China has no private interests” on the matter and added that Beijing always insists on non-interference in other countries’ internal affairs, as well as respecting nations’ territorial integrity.

The Guy On The Right Is Clearly Larry

Obama

So the guy in the middle must be Curly.

Curly

Best Friends Again Thanks To Putin

Wie ernst ist einem US-Präsidenten, der mit einer zunehmend isolationistischen Heimatfront ringen muss, eine neue Annäherung an Old Europe?

Und wie ernst meint es Europa mit seiner neuen Geradlinigkeit in der Krise, etwa wenn es darum geht, scharfe Wirtschaftssanktionen gegen Russland zu verhängen?

Moon Landing A Hoax After All

And now we know why.

Moon

It was staged by Hasselblad so it could get $910,400 for its “moon camera” at a Vienna auction last Saturday.

Most of the cameras that the Apollo astronauts used on the lunar surface were left there to reduce the weight of the moon-rock-laden returning spacecraft. Evidence exists however, for at least four of the Hasselblads to have been brought back to Earth.

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