Der Büroschlaf Ist Immer Noch Am Gesündesten

Sleep at the office is still the healthiest. But not even that is enough to keep us top fit these days, it seems.

Sleep

A shocking new study reveals that none of us are getting nearly enough sleep and that this is eventually going to make us go all demented and stuff if we aren’t all demented and stuff already. Before it kills us, I mean.

It appears that this stressful information society we live in is causing us to sleep one and a half hours less then we used to back in the 1960s because, well, I dunno, we have to process sleep data fun facts like this, for instance. We are suffering from permanent sleep deprivation, these experts tell us. All of us. So wake up and go back to sleep already.

„In unserer Informationsgesellschaft schlafen wir ein bis eineinhalb Stunden kürzer als noch in den 1960er Jahren. Wir haben relativen Schlafentzug – alle.“

I’m The Stress

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig have just found out that stress is not only stressful, it is even contagious.

Stress

But it doesn’t stop there, folks. It is so contagious that you can even get it just by watching German TV.

And this is supposed to be news? I’ve known about this for years. The German TV part, I mean.

“I am gross and perverted. I’m obsessed and deranged. I have existed for years, but very little has changed. I’m the tool of the government and industry too, for I am destined to rule and regulate you. I may be vile and pernicious, but you can’t look away. I make you think I’m delicious, with the stuff that I say. I’m the best you can get. Have you guessed me yet? I’m the stress oozing out from your TV set.”

Wer den Fernseher einschaltet, um abzuschalten, sollte das mit Bedacht tun.

90 Percent Of Germans Believe That 90 Percent Of Americans Don’t Believe In Evolution

They really do.

Darwin

Germans are often very naive and childlike when it comes to their beliefs, don’t you think?

Nur 9,5 Prozent glauben, dass keine höhere Macht in der Entstehung des Universums und der Entwicklung der verschiedenen Tierarten involviert war.

Creepy Corn Coming (And I Don’t Care)

Ghastly, genetically modified creepy corn.

Corn

Creepy corn without a name. Creepy corn that isn’t even spelled with a capital K. Corn so creepy that it only has a creepy number; the nasty and nightmarish 1507. Corn devised in some creepy laboratory somewhere in the United States of Creepy Amerika.

Insect-resistant, creepy, nameless and K-less corn. Creepy corn that Germans dressed up like bees simply must say Nein! to. Corn that must be stopped at all costs.

Corn declared safe by the European Food Standards Authority. But still.

“Wir erkennen die Vorbehalte des Großteils der Bevölkerung gegenüber der grünen Gentechnik an.”

It Must Not Have Been German Ape Porn

In a behavior study taking place at a German zoo, scientists have discovered that apes prefer popcorn to movies showing explicit ape sex scenes.

Porn

Maybe they would get better results if they did a misbehavior study instead.

“Maybe they are not so interested, as Bonobo apes very often have sex anyway.”

Good German Scientists Helping Bad US Government Develop Killing Machines

Which is bad. Every dolt knows that German universities only do research for things having to do with goodness and niceness so these absent-minded professors clearly must have been tricked or something.

Pentagon

Word is that 22 German universities and research institutions have received more than $10 million from the US Defense Department’s budget since 2000. And this just has to be a bad thing. Doesn’t it?

Maybe the UN or Star Fleet Command could pass a resolution ensuring that science only be used for goodness and niceness in the future, the world over, just like it is here in Germany. Except sometimes when folks get tricked.

Yet once something is researched and published, it is available to anyone for any use. This gives rise to what researchers call a dual-use dilemma. Rockets that transport satellites into space, for example, could also be used to carry nuclear weapons. Knowledge about pathogens can be used to develop new medicines or biological weapons. Nuclear technology can harvest energy or build atomic bombs.

Waldsterben, Acid Rain, BSE, Bird Flu, Ozone Hole…

All must go the way of the dinosaurs sooner or later.

Ozonloch

Wait a minute. Do any of you out there even remember the Waldsterben (death of the forests) hysteria?

The ozone hole, the annual thinning of the protective ozone layer in Earth’s stratosphere over Antarctica, was slightly smaller than average this year compared to its size in recent decades, NASA said on Friday.

Germans Concerned Global Warming Stagnation Stagnating Too Fast

SPIEGEL: Mr. Storch, Germany has recently seen major flooding. Is global warming the culprit?

Storch: I’m not aware of any studies showing that floods happen more often today than in the past. I also just attended a hydrologists’ conference in Koblenz, and none of the scientists there described such a finding.

Stagnation

SPIEGEL: Would you say that people no longer reflexively attribute every severe weather event to global warming as much as they once did?

Storch: Yes, my impression is that there is less hysteria over the climate. There are certainly still people who almost ritualistically cry, “Stop thief! Climate change is at fault!” over any natural disaster. But people are now talking much more about the likely causes of flooding, such as land being paved over or the disappearance of natural flood zones — and that’s a good thing.

SPIEGEL: Will the greenhouse effect be an issue in the upcoming German parliamentary elections? Singer Marius Müller-Westernhagen is leading a celebrity initiative calling for the addition of climate protection as a national policy objective in the German constitution.

Storch: It’s a strange idea. What state of the Earth’s atmosphere do we want to protect, and in what way? And what might happen as a result? Are we going to declare war on China if the country emits too much CO2 into the air and thereby violates our constitution?

SPIEGEL: What could be wrong with the models?

Storch: There are two conceivable explanations — and neither is very pleasant for us. The first possibility is that less global warming is occurring than expected because greenhouse gases, especially CO2, have less of an effect than we have assumed. This wouldn’t mean that there is no man-made greenhouse effect, but simply that our effect on climate events is not as great as we have believed. The other possibility is that, in our simulations, we have underestimated how much the climate fluctuates owing to natural causes.

The Spiegel Says: US-Amerika One Big Debtor’s Prison

More and more Americans are being punished for their poverty: Above all in rural areas judges have been putting delinquent debtors in prison as of late. This medieval practice is illegal, unconstitutional – and widespread.

“Diese Unsitte verbindet man mehr mit der Zeit von Charles Dickens als mit dem modernen Amerika.”

PS: Speaking of deplorable customs and disturbing developments – and good fiction – when are these deplorable refutations of sacrosanct scientific certainties ever going to stop?! I mean, what ever happened to the ozone hole? It’s not there anymore or something.

Ozone

Well it’s One drink of wine, two drinks of gin… and I’m lost in the ozone again.

Global Warming Still Causing Colder Weather In Germany

In February, of all months. And in Germany, of all countries.

Global Warming

According to German meteorologist Dominik Jung, Germany has just set a new record for having its 5th colder-than-normal winter in a row.

In light of recent scientific predictions that Central Europe would soon not be having any winters at all, several of the scientists who had made these predictions are now attributing this unexpected climatic odditiy to a newly discovered global warming abnormality they are now calling “Winterwetter.”

Winterwetter seems to have a direct relationship to the global warming theory postulate asserting that water vapor and clouds will temporarily cancel out the warming effect of CO2 emissions currently destroying our planet, thus temporarily reversing the deadly global warming trend for a small period each and every year lying roughly between the seasons of autumn and spring and directly affecting countries like Germany with unreasonably and unseasonably cold weather until the more unreasonably and unseasonably warm weather returns again.

Am Montag könnte die Schneedecke noch einmal deutlich anwachsen. Erst ab Mitte der Woche ist Besserung in Sicht.

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