Ronald McDonald Could Take The Stand At Attempted Bonn Bombing Trial

After having placed charges against four alleged Islamist militants for plotting a failed bomb attack at the Bonn railway station in 2012, German authorities have now contacted the McDonald’s Corporation to try to find out how it could be so easy for them to deliver the incriminating video while the German security cameras aimed at the platform where the explosive device was found didn’t even, well, you know, like exist.

Bomb

“Our main interest is in establishing how the hell they got permission to install those things here in Germany, and from whom,” one authority said. “It would be really cool if we could do the same thing here too, you know?”

“Of course we also want to make sure that McDonald’s understands the complex implications involved when it comes to questions of video surveillance and matters of privacy in our country,” he continued. “They can’t just go around spying on people in their restaurants like that, you know.”

Die Ungläubigen sollen Blut weinen.

No Spy Deal Now No No Spy Deal

As Washington said it would announce reforms to its National Security Agency (NSA) later in the week, German media were already focused on a likely disappointing outcome for Berlin in talks on a “no spy” arrangement.

No spy

Oh, I dunno. Other than Washington not promising to stop listening in on politicians’ calls or say when they are listening in on Chancellor Angela Merkel’s mobile phone (or whoever else) or not allowing the Germans access to an alleged listening post on top of US embassy in Berlin, I’d say those “no spy” arrangement talks are moving along pretty well.

Doch der Fehler liegt woanders: in einer naiven Erwartungshaltung. Dass die Drahtzieher des 11. September aus Hamburg kamen, ist den Amerikanern immer noch präsent. Dass es zahlreiche Deutsche gibt, die sich nach Syrien aufgemacht haben, um dort an der Seite von Islamisten zu kämpfen, ebenfalls.

When The German Anti-Terror Units Aren’t Sick The German Taliban Are

Only Germans can come up with Pretraumatic Stress Disorder. But now we can take this puppy up a notch higher.

Taliban

“German Taliban” Josef D. (the guy in the middle with the skin problem) joins a terrorist group, gets himself a Kalaschnikow, goes to Afghanistan intending to do that jihad thing but then gets Durchfall (diarrhea) and therefore cannot take part in all the cool attacks planned on US installations there so he has to return home to Germany where he promptly gets busted (I’m not sure for what, though).

Now his lawyer informs us that his Schuldfähigkeit (legal culpability) needs to be looked into very intensely and  thoroughly-like because not only does this guy have terrible awful diarrhea problems, he also suddenly seems to be suffering from some kind of mysterious mental disorder. Uh, wait a minute. Don’t all terrorists suffer from some kind of mysterious mental disorder?

Anyways, this all has a certain logic to it if you ask me. Germany is the number one country when it comes to doctor visits, after all. Politicians get sick and throw in the towel here all the time. German intellectuals regularly get ill or “burn out” while analyzing the world around them. A huge portion of German youth suffers from “social phobia” and half a million Germans are hopelessly “addicted” to the Internet. Hell, even the German Pope gets sick and has to go into early retirement, for crying out loud.

It’s just not easy being a German, I guess. Without getting sick, I mean. But like doesn’t somebody out there – who is German – have to do it?

Wegen einer chronischen Durchfallerkrankung habe er aber nicht an Anschlägen und Angriffen der Gruppe auf afghanische und US-Einrichtungen teilnehmen können, so die Bundesanwaltschaft.

If It Works, Fix It

This is another one of those “only in Germany” numbers. Or maybe it isn’t (I’m slowly losing track of what’s going on out there in “the real world”).

Graffiti

The Deutsche Bahn’s program to use small drones to patrol railyards by night in a bid to fight graffiti spraying graffiti terrorists has suffered a setback. Although the test flights worked out just wunderbar, the German Luftsicherheitsbehörden (air security authority) has stopped the program for now as no night flight permits have been permitted – for drones designed to patrol railyards by night. Ordnung muss sein already.

This is actually a bit of a relief for me, to tell you the truth. Before reading the article I was convinced that the flights had been cancelled due to Fluglärm issues. Fluglärm (aircraft noise) is a big honking major awesome all-important obsession for all Germans at all times in all regions and all locations all over the country (and tomorrow the world) and I was sure that I was about to read how these mini-drones were simply too loud for the Anwohner (local residents), whoever or wherever they were.

Whew! That wasn’t the case, like I said. At least not this time. But let’s just wait and see what happens when/if these things are ever actually allowed to fly.

“Die Tests sind exzellent gelaufen, ein hervorragendes Einsatzmittel. Jedoch erteilen die Luftsicherheitsbehörden der Länder derzeit keine Fluggenehmigung für die Nachtstunden.”

Bundeswehr Afghan Troops Now Marching Through Leipzig

With nowhere to put their dreaded and battle-tried Bundeswehr troops after the recent pullout from the Afghan province of Kunduz (German troops in Afghanistan are now being reduced from 4,000 to 800), Bundeswehr strategists have decided to use them for what they hope will be the decisive battle between Napoleon’s forces and allied troops from Austria, Prussia, Russia and Sweden instead.

Leipzig

German Defense Minister Thomas de Maiziere noted that a victory against the cunning French emperor would be “a turning point not only for the Bundeswehr, but also for German society itself” and would finally prove to the GermanVolk and even the rest of the world out there that the Bundeswehr “will actually shoot at people if they like absolutely, positively have to, but of course only if the UN and Starfleet Command have OK’d it in writing first.”

Thousands of people will don period costumes, mount horses and raise their muskets and sabers to recreate the decisive battle between Napoleon’s forces and allied troops from Austria, Prussia, Russia and Sweden.

We Don’t Trust That There NSA One Little Bit

But we’ll, uh, trust them this one time here, maybe.

Trains

Al Qaeda is plotting attacks on Europe’s high-speed rail network, German newspaper Bild reported on Monday, citing a leaked National Security Agency (NSA) report.

The NSA report is based on an intercepted conference call between top Al-Qaeda operatives, in which the terrorist attacks were reportedly a “central topic”.

Berlin has responded to the threat with discreet measures such as deploying plain-clothed police officers at key stations and on main routes, Bild reported.

Der Hinweis stamme vom US-Geheimdienst NSA.

Outrage: Registered

Now this is what I call a news item. Who would have thought that? The NSA, a US-Amerikan cryptologic intelligence agency expressly responsible “for the collection and analysis of foreign communications and foreign signals intelligence” has been found to be collecting and analyzing foreign signals intelligence. In ze Europe, of all places.

NSA

Europeans would never do such a thing, you see. Nor would the governments of the Netherlands, France, Germany, Spain, Italy and Britain among others ever never ever admit to having secret agreements with Washington to hand over their citizens’ private data to said agency.

Outrage: registered. Now, the issue of how far spy agencies in other countries actually knew, participated in or made use of the NSA’s surveillance program is another question entirely.

Obama’s Popularity Rating Plummets To 82 Percent In Germany

Prism

Germans are still enamored of Obama: a poll last week showed 82 percent view him favorably.

It used to be 92 percent so this must have something to do with the time he recently spent in Prism.

Just kidding. The real reason is because there are “gute Amis, böse Amis” (good Yankees and bad Yankees) and the Pres clearly belongs to the good ones, NO MATTER WHAT. I mean, this guy could rape a turtle live on “Wetten, dass..?” and nobody would find anything wrong with it (except the turtle). He’ll be back up to 92 percent here again in no time, in other words.

The bad Yankees are the awful scumbag Republican NSA types who actually did the snooping, by the way.

Damn. Speaking of snooping… He and his crew sure are cool, you’ve got to hand it to them. Even when he’s having them monitor you for your own good (and that whether you’re a tea partier or not). I think I’m going to call them the Cyber Snoop Dogg Pack from here on out. Rat Pack had already been taken.

Germans accuse U.S. of Stasi tactics before Obama visit

Empty Box Empty Box

Hamburg police have determined that an empty box found in a subway station just before the Hamburg Marthon was scheduled to begin turned out in fact to be an empty box.

Videoüberwachung

However, if the box had not been empty, no one would have had any video footage of the person who had placed it there because, as you can see, surveillance cameras are still black (as in evil) in Germany.

In light of the Boston Marathon bombings, a new German “debate” about increasing the number of surveillance cameras has begun once again but will lead to nowhere fast as usual.

Kurze Aufregung im Umfeld des Hamburg-Marathon: Die Polizei hat am Sonntag einen verdächtigen Gegenstand in einem U-Bahnhof in der Innenstadt untersucht.

Peace-Loving And Moral German Soldiers Leaving Afghanistan

And they’ll be leaving behind some 1,700 Afghan employees in the process. Employees that the Taliban has threatened to kill as collaborators.

Afghanistan

Germany benefited from its Afghan helpers for years, and now the Afghans are waiting for Germany to help them.

Other ISAF countries, like the United States, Canada and New Zealand, have set up generous programs for local personnel and their families. France decided to accept about 170 of its Afghan employees into the country. But the German government refuses to implement a collective solution.

“We sold off our lives for a few thousand dollars. If only I had worked for the Americans.”

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