They didn’t mean US-Amerika, did they?

Waaay down there in fifth place, I mean.


1. Germany (too smelly)

We don't smell anything.

2. England (too lazy)
3. Sweden (too quick)
4. Holland (too dominating)
5. America (too rough)
6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)
7. Wales (too selfish)
8. Scotland (too loud)
9. Turkey (too sweaty)
10. Russia (too hairy)

This gives the term united nations a whole new meaning.


Hitler more than a wussy

American researchers have set the scientific world and everybody else in an uproar by determining that Adolf Hitler’s bullet-punctured skull fragment actually belonged to a woman, thus making the evil Nazi dictator one of those herself.

Her Hitler!

“This explains a lot of those bizarre hysterical outbreaks of his, I mean hers,” one researcher said. “And that half-ass mustache. And being a vegetarian. Like it all fits together now or something.”

“Ist der Schädel überhaupt echt?”

I thought they’d never leave

The SPD.

The woman in the middle.

“The SPD’s decline exemplifies the crisis for Europe’s once-mighty center-left parties, which are in disarray in the U.K., France, Italy, Poland and other countries amid divisions over how to balance social protections and business freedoms in an era of rising global competition.”

“The SPD is paying a heavy price for its own boldness in trimming Germany’s welfare state and partially deregulating the labor market under former Chancellor Gerhard Schröder. Those pragmatic moves lost the SPD many of its traditional working-class voters, and have left the party deeply split between centrists and left-wing traditionalists.”

“The voters have decided and the result is a bitter day for German Social Democracy.”

Sinister American computer games everywhere you look

Quentin Tarantino movies are still okay though because he’s not, well, a gamer and these are movies and, uh, he’s cultured or something.

“Counter-strike was developed by the US Army in order to reduce the violence threshold of soldiers.”

Bad game!

“That games like these lead to violence is obvious to me, despite the debatable scientific evidence.”

“Dass solche Killerspele die Hemmschwelle gegen Gewalt herabsetzen, ist für mich eindeutig, auch wenn wissenschaftliche Belege hierfür noch umstritten sind.”

Steinbrück’s Swan Song

Clearly pissed off about being out of work after Sunday’s election, German finance minister Peer Steinbrück (SPD) has decided to put in one last really annoying punch and declare war on Britain. 

One more Steinbrück for the road.

Economic war, but still.

“Every assertion that he made about Britain in his interview with Stern is either factually wrong, or such a serious distortion of events that it amounts to a smear. Furthermore, it was quite threatening.”

“What he said, in effect, is that Germany will marshal its forces to ensure that a chunk of the British economy is shut down – whatever the social consequences. This is the closest thing I have seen to a declaration of economic warfare in Western Europe in my lifetime.”

I say just ignore him and he’ll go away, Britain. Turn the other stiff upper cheek and all that. Even if you don’t ignore him he’ll be going away, so you might as well just ignore him. We’re all going to miss him, though, or at least I am. Thanks for the memories, Peer.

“We must resist Schadenfreude when that moment comes.”

Hear no evil

Then there’s no need to see it either. Germany is threatening to walk out during Mahmoud “The Rude” Ahmadinejad’s planned speech at the UN later today should he deny the Holocaust for the nine hundred and thirty-fourth time this year.

You can't deny I'm one rude guy.

“We will leave the hall if President Ahmadinejad denies the Holocaust or makes anti-Semitic statements … we are making efforts towards a unified European position,” a spokesman at the German foreign ministry said.

Another spokesman who asked not to be identified said that if that doesn’t work, the next time Ahmadinejad gets squirrely at the UN European delegations will unify in holding their breathes until their faces turn uniformly blue.

“As recently as last week, Ahmadinejad has called the Holocaust a lie, repeating the inflammatory statement as world powers weigh how to deal with Iran’s nuclear ambitions.”

“My substances aren’t dangerous”

But the ones I just gave you must have been.

The doctor is in!

“A group session at a doctor’s house in northern Berlin left two men dead and another in a coma after their therapist gave them a dangerous cocktail of drugs.”

“The doctor, Garik “Garri” R., is reported to have been born in Uzbekistan. He is a registered doctor with insurance companies and is accredited to work as a psychotherapist… The suspect’s wife, Elke P., runs an alternative medicine practice in the same house, and she was also at the group session on Saturday.”

I think the wife did it.

“He called himself a psychotherapist but what he did was in no way psychotherapy.” Yeah, it was just the psycho part.

Allah together now!

Sing along with us! We’re threatening you again, Germany, and this time (the fourth time) it’s for real, this threat is, that is, honest. And we really mean it too no fooling for real.

That’s right. Germany is on edge again today (as it is every day), only this time it’s after receiving a fourth consecutive al-Qaeda video warning threatening an imminent bomb attack in Germany unless the government withdraws its troops from Afghanistan, which it is already planning to do of course, as quickly and thoroughly as it possibly can, although not quite all too publicly just yet, and everybody here knows this you see. So go figure. Dumb terrorists.

They (the terrorists) still don’t know just how “crudely pacifist” Germans really and truly are. As writer Thea Dorn rightly (writely?) described in last week’s Zeit (Vulgärpazifismus – where’s the link, you pacifist Zeitpeople types, huh?), unlike in other countries and cultures, freedom is free in Germany. As soon as it starts to cost anything, or even appears to, they’re outta here, or there (Afghansitan) in this case.

The terrorists don’t have to do anything here, in other words, so they won’t. They’re not really dumb, in other words. And I hope they didn’t take an offense in me saying that they were up there in paragraph two. Peace, brothers.

“The threats were aimed at German voters ahead of next Sunday’s general election and were being taken seriously by the security authorities.”