Let Paul do the Wahl

So when are the Germans going to make up their minds here? The third try’s the charm, I guess.

Get it over with already and let Paul the Psychic Octopus decide.


Why doesn’t anybody want to become German?

Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the Germans don’t want them to become German.

What a surprise again (not). Fewer and fewer migrant types are interested in becoming German citizens and this is, well, shocking or something – and bound to make most Germans who hear about it happy as larks.

Just the other day they had a great story in the news which was swiftly swept under the rug (I thought it was practical joke again); a group of German politicians suggested giving IQ tests to those interested in becoming German citizens. Makes a lot of sense. If you stop and think about it for a second, I mean. Pitiful. And funny as hell at the same time.

“Böhning hat das Gefühl, dass das Einwandern erschwert werden solle.”

Women and elephants and…

Fußball fans never forget.

“Some (Germans) have even got religious about it, praising the god of football for handing down divine justice in the form of a blatant referee error that robbed England of a crystal-clear goal on Sunday. At last, commentators say, Germany has been avenged for 1966, when England had a goal wrongly allowed in the legendary World Cup final at London’s Wembley stadium, which England won 4:2.”

Puns escalating

In a dramatic turn of events (not), England has launced a surprise pun offensive (next not) shortly before Sunday’s all-important World Cup death match between England and Germany. OK, OK. Sudden death match.

Whether the headline reads “Germans wurst at penalties” or “Das boot is on the other foot”, ill will toward the German opponant is spreading throughout England’s green and pleasant land like wild fire, guaranteeing a wonderful time for all.

There are a number of good reasons why the English love to hate the Germans when it comes to football, of course, but what really fuels the rivalry is, well, is the fact that Germany has always been more successful at the game (OK, at least when it comes to winning matches against England).

As for the Germans: “Although they tolerate the gung-ho English reaction, they are always slightly confused, even bemused, by it. It all stems from the fact the English view is stuck in a bit of a time warp.”

Quite true I’m sure, but if you don’t think the Germans aren’t living in their own little private Idaho time warp buddy, just come over and spend a little time here.

Anyway, may the best team win. Or lose, je nach dem (whatever the case may be).

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

Tod und Verklärung

Death and transfiguration, although glorification is probably the more accurate term. Nothing new here, folks. Just move along now and go about your business.

Death as in the GDR, of course, as in dead as a doornail, long, long ago. Transfiguration/glorification as in the twenty-five percent of East Germans (or Germans of the East, if you prefer) that still thinks old communist Germany wasn’t such a bad place to live after all.

This wouldn’t be so bad if these were all just old communists thinking this, of course, but that’s clearly not the case.

Eine Studie der Linkspartei.

Germans go home!

Back home to the German Mark, I mean.

Zillbillionquadrillionaire rich dude George Soros has warned that Germany’s drastic plans to drastically slash its budget over the next four years is like, well, way too drastic and could even lead to the collapse of the euro – some seven hundred and eighty-seven zillbillionquadrillion of these already his own.

“Right now the Germans are dragging their neighbors into deflation,” he said. “Which threatens a long phase of stagnation.” And this is a real abomination. Across the nation.

“If the Germans don’t change their policy, their exit from the currency union would be helpful to the rest of Europe.”

So there we have it. I think.

“Wenn die Deutschen ihre Politik nicht ändern, wäre ihr Austritt aus der Währungsunion für den Rest Europas hilfreich.”

Germans in drag

OK, fine. But in Pakistan?

A German national terrorist type wearing a burqa got busted by Pakistani security forces while trying to sneak through a security check post in northwestern Pakistan.

Worse still, he was also wearing one of those loud and annoying German World Cup flag jerseys and antler sets everybody’s wearing around here these days – or he might as well have been.

The German was wearing a full-body sewing cloth that Muslim women wear for cultural and religious reasons.

Dear Angela…

Stop all this austerity and savings crap and start burning up some euros already.

Yours truly,

Merkel’s savings measures, touted as Germany’s biggest austerity drive since World War Two, aim to deliver savings of 11.2 billion euros next year and lower a deficit set to exceed five per cent of gross domestic product (GDP) this year, according to an official draft of the plan.