Where are all the nervous Germans when you need them?

What’s a 6 percent contraction in the economy, anyway? We’ve seen worse.

Well no, actually we haven’t. But we’re not worried. Not us. Not yet anyway. We’re calm, perhaps too calm, but calm all the same.

“One reason that we are only seeing small protests is that politicians will not reveal the true cost of the crisis until after the parliamentary elections… Perhaps there will be a new wave of cost-cutting welfare reforms, like those which spawned the unpopular Hartz IV scheme.”

“Three months ago, the German government was forecasting that G.D.P. would contract by 2.25 percent in 2009. But since then, Berlin has suffered from plummeting demand for its products as its foreign customers rein in spending.”

PS: Why do I get the feeling that everybody in Berlin is about to RUN INTO A WALL again?

How bad is the sex recession in Germany these days?

Why it’s so bad…

That when sex workers start suggesting stimulus packages they’re actually referring to money. Bad? It’s so bad in German brothels these days that fewer and fewer people are coming. We’re talking bad. It’s so bad that experts fear the industry is flat on its back. You want bad? It’s so bad these days that it might take months or even years before business picks up and turns the street corner again.

“Economic aid would be judicious.”

Germans begin offshore offensive

March 19, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Banking secrecy Leave a comment

Pulling out their favorite charm cannon Finance Minister Peer Steinbrück himself, the Germans have begun battering neighboring offshore financial center states like Switzerland after launching a surprise ravaging verbal abuse offensive.

Hoping to recover unpaid taxes in vicious hand-to-hand or at least toungue-to-tongue combat (yuk), Steinbrück has lambasted the small, defenseless, filthy rich neutral country for being a safe haven for thousands of rebel German fiscal terrorists who have stashed away their savings there for some mysterious reason that nobody here in Berlin can even begin to explain, much less figure out.

Steinbrück has even openly “doubted” Swiss promises to make their banking system more transparent, initiating a further diplomatic scandal between the two nations. Other than the surprise ravaging verbal abuse offensive part, I mean. The Swiss Foreign Ministry has actually summoned the German ambassador to protest the “unacceptable” remarks by Steinbrück. But this was long after the offensive started so like who cares?

That offshore financial centers like Switzerland have nothing to do with the problems created by cash-strapped governments like Germany impresses Herr Steinbrück little as they are nevertheless easy targets to bash at the moment and this gracefully distracts from the current political paralysis in Berlin concerning all things having to do with the financial crisis, or at least with all things having to do with the financial crisis and international solidarity.

„Er erklärt, wieso die Eidgenossen Bundesfinanzminister Peer Steinbrück (SPD) für einen hässlichen Deutschen halten.“

Obama und co. werden es richten!

March 17, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Opel Leave a comment

Oder (won’t they? fix this mess?)? After doing something the Germans call Shakehands with top GM executives in US-Amerika, and then getting a green light from them (GM is interested in keeping a minority stake in Opel), German Economy Minister (Mininster for the Economy?) Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg now sees hope for the ailing German-American, American-German car maker after all.

Although the German government was completely unconvinced by the rescue plan Opel submitted to them earlier this month, rightly arguing that it left too many questions unanswered, Guttenberg figures he can now convince our smart guys in Washington with the same plan, easy. And he’s probably right, too. These guys will buy anything.

The Germans are reluctant to throw tons of money at Opel unless it stands a good chance of surviving the current crisis, you see, AND unless they can avoid seeing any German state aid being funneled across the Atlantic to prop up that evil Mother of All Car Companies, GM. They aren’t doof (stupid). They want it the other way around. GM gets the money from the US government and then indirectly subsidizes Opel by taking a minority stake as private investor.

Like I said, Herr zu Guttenberg is optimistic and I don’t blame him one bit for being so. This plan sounds bullet-proof to me. This is true German economics in action. He’s the Economy Minister, remember? Minister for the Economy, I mean.

„Aufschluss über die Haltung der US-Regierung erwartete sich der Bundeswirtschaftsminister aus den geplanten Gesprächen mit dem US-amerikanischen Finanzminister Timothy Geithner. Doch der hat in der Krise mit den Schwierigkeiten der US-Finanzfirmen wie dem Versicherer AIG noch ganz andere Probleme als Opel und General Motors auf dem Tisch.“

Speaking of spending…

March 13, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Consumers Leave a comment

This is news? Well the amount is rather newsworthy, I guess. That ever-busy German Federal Office for Statistics has just determined that American consumers spend more than their German counterparts do. Like, I had no idea.

On average, the American consumer spends 5000 euros a year more than the German consumer does (and yes, there is more than one). But that was then and this is now. Americans apparently don’t want to spend so much anymore, for some strange reason, so it’s up to the Germans and Co. to pick up the slack and save the world’s economy and start shopping till they drop already.

I believe this will happen, too. But, then again, I also believe that Santa Claus is actually the Easter Bunny (and vice versa) and that monkeys regularly fly out of Peer Steinbrück’s… You know; ears.

„Demnach lagen im vergangenen Jahr die jährlichen Konsumausgaben pro Einwohner in Deutschland mit 17 073 Euro deutlich unter dem US-Wert von 22 457 Euro.“

Spend more, save less?

March 12, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Spending 3 Comments

When it comes to Germany? Right. But I wish you a nice try though anyway, you G-20 finance minister folks meeting in London in three weeks.

“In asking the Germans to spend more and save less, for example, the United States is challenging not only the ingrained habits of a risk-averse people but the growth model upon which German industry is built and upon which millions of German jobs depend. The U.S. economy can’t generate enough demand by itself to pull the global economy out of the downturn, even with Mr. Obama’s stimulus — the recession has forced a dramatic and probably permanent increase in U.S. savings. Indeed, this is one reason that German exports are tanking. But Germany can’t just convert to a high-consumption model overnight. The same goes for Japan and much of Asia.”

That’s right, Germany. The big American spending party seems to finally be over at last (at least for now). Now it’s your turn. But don’t panic, it’s all about perception, remember (think Obama)? It can be the best of worlds if you want it, or it can be the worst of worlds. We all know which kind of world you have tended to lean to in the past, but these are exceptional times we are living in here, people. Make it happen (yes you can).

“Germany, Europe’s economic engine, ardently resists talk of a bailout for either old or new Europeans, fearing it will inevitably get stuck with the tab.”

Finanzmarktstabilisierungsgesetzverfassungsbeschwerde

March 9, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Financial crisis, German 1 Comment

Say that word ten times real fast. Hurts, don’t it? But what does it mean, you ask? I’ll tell you what it means. Or at least I’ll try to tell you what it means. This is important, I think. This could be our way out. Out of the financial crisis, I mean.

Finanzmarktstabilisierungsgesetzverfassungsbeschwerde means that some poor lady who invested with Lehmann Brothers a while back is going to take her “case” to the German supreme court and try and get her money back based on the premise that if the banks get bailed out, then why not her.

Of course her mom probably never told her that just because little Jimmy or a bunch of big honkin’ banks jump off the bridge by making unsound investments doesn’t mean that she has to do the same damned thing. I’m just sayin’.

And now that I’ve re-read what I just wrote I’m not at all sure what’s worse, Finanzmarktstabilisierungsgesetzverfassungsbeschwerde (the word) or my attempt to explain what it means.

„Finanzhilfen für notleidende Kreditinstitute – nicht aber für Privatpersonen?“

Recht haben wollen

March 8, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Greed 1 Comment

Aber richtig sein (but is it right?). This sounds familiar somehow. Like, where’s the money? That’s what a German ex-Hypo Real Estate boss is wondering. No, not the millions and billions (I mix those up these days for some reason) that the soon-to-be-bankrupt bank burned up over years of mismanagement (he was a boss dude, remember?), it’s all about his million or two or three euro salary and benefits that he believes he still has coming to him, legally. And perhaps he does, legally. After all, he was fired from a well-paid job you know and it’s hard to find steady work as a banker these days.

Ah, the days of wine and roses, or of corporate or even personal responsibility, if you prefer. There was a time when people had a sense of accountability for their actions, or at least a sense of decency, or at least I believe there used to be a time like that. I’m starting to wonder, though. Doesn’t the saying go that the more things change the more they stay the same? If so, then where has all that sense of accountability gone? It’s blowing in the wind or something. Or everybody has gone out of their senses.

„Der mittlerweile entlassene Institutsleiter Georg Funke will gerichtlich prüfen lassen, ob sein Vertrag weiter gilt.“

Volltreffer!

March 2, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Automobiles 1 Comment

Talk about being right on the mark. Everybody is trying to get a piece of this new consumer incentive plan for old cars (Abwrackprämie) over here in Germany these days. The government shells out 2,500 euros to anybody who trades in his old wreck for a new, more environmentally friendly one, I mean new one. German consumer confidence is way up at the moment, primarily because of this.

But this is another one of those only-in-Germany kind of things, folks. The wreck you trade in here to get the money has to be at least nine years old! That’s right, nine (not nein). Only German cars live that long, of course, so it’s basically a subsidy for the German car industry. And they’re selling their smaller models like hotcakes at the moment, despite all of the economic doom.

By the way, you can’t trade the ones in you torch first, though, no matter how old they are.

„Die Verbraucher in Deutschland haben trotz der schwersten Rezession seit dem Zweiten Weltkrieg mehr Lust zum Einkaufen.“

Crisis, crisis and a little more crisis, to go

February 26, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Economy Leave a comment

When will it end? VW just set a new record in sales, the German stock market just made another billion, the energy giant RWE beat it’s 2008 profit goals admirably, Axel Springer publishing (Bild) has never made more money, Sixt is expecting a booming 2009, it just goes on and on and on, people.

Stop the world I want to get off or something. When are we ever going to see a little light at the end of the economic tunnel? Before we all roll over and die, I mean.

PS: Speaking of cars (even if VW didn’t actually invent them), Germany still loves you anyway, Mr. President. Noch (for now).

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Heconomy