German Of The Day: Albtraum

That means nightmare. You know, like Nightmare on Elm Street? Or Nightmare at Deutsche Bank?

Deutsche Bank

Read my lips, the usual suspects are saying: Everything is fine, the German government is not preparing a bailout, there have been no secret talks with the chancellor and there is nothing here that needs to be rescued in the first place. Now say that ten times really fast.

The German government denied it was working on a rescue of Deutsche Bank as Germany’s biggest lender boosted its balance sheet by selling its British insurance business on Wednesday.

Deutsche is facing a $14 billion fine from the Department of Justice, and concerns over its funding pushed its shares to a record low on Tuesday and heightened concerns about the health of the financial sector in Europe’s largest economy.

“Die Situation des Konzerns ist viel besser, als sie von außen wahrgenommen wird.”

Double-O-Sieben In Da Hood

Or at least under it.

007

Now we know why we never hear much about German spy activity. First off all, German spies are really easy to recognize because of those dopey hoods they wear. I mean, duh. Like you can see them spying at you a mile away.

And secondly, if any of them do turn out to be any good, they get thrown into jail for tax evasion.

Germany’s answer to James Bond on Monday faced what may prove to be the greatest challenge of his career as he went on trial on charges of tax evasion…

The 76-year-old Mr Werner* has claimed he helped avert a mafia poisoning attempt against Pope Benedict XVI negotiated between Israel and Hamas, and took part in intelligence operations against Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (Isil).

* It’s Mr. Mauss, Telegraph journalists, not Mr. Werner. Mr. Mauss is a way cooler spy name, too.

It’s Time To Get Outer Ear

Boy oh boy. Drunken tourists these days (this story is really earie, folks).

Ear

Berlin police say a 43-year-old Norwegian tourist is in custody after biting off part of the ear of a man who tried to break up a fight between him and a dark-skinned German passenger he’d allegedly taunted as being a terrorist.

Police said Monday the intoxicated tourist started the fight Sunday night on a regional train in Berlin, accusing the other passenger in English of being a terrorist and asking if he had a bomb.

I guess they’re going to charge him with a misdemeanear now. And why the hell didn’t the train’s enginear step in?

Tourist beißt Streitschlichter einen Teil des Ohrs ab.

Literally Dozens Of Anti-Trump Protesters Rebuild Berlin Wall

Like in a manner of minutes or something, too.

Trump

Although it is still unclear to me why they did this. I mean, just because they say that Trump “is a narcissist, xenophobe, fascist, racist and a phony populist,” doesn’t necessarily mean that he isn’t a nice guy.

Stranger still is that they then tore their Berlin wall right back down again. Talk about your never-ending, Sisyphean task. Sheesh.

And the shocking historical ignorance they demonstrate here really infuriates me, too. Everybody in Berlin knows that Donald Trump was not in the least responsible for tearing down the Berlin Wall. David Haselhoff was.

Americans residing abroad tend to be far more left-wing than their compatriots back in the US.

Ig Noble Deeds That Are Concealed Are Most Esteemed

Perhaps the best-known awardee Thursday night was German car manufacturer Volkswagen, which was handed the Ig Nobel for chemistry, “for solving the problem of excessive automobile pollution emissions by automatically, electromechanically producing fewer emissions whenever the cars are being tested.” No one from the company attended the ceremony to collect the prize, however.

VW

Wer den Schaden hat … VW hat für seine Schummel-Software, die zum Dieselgate geführt hat, von der Harvard-Uni einen Anti-Nobelpreis bekommen.

Plain Talk II?

As Chancellor Merkel stated in yesterday’s post: Migrants without the right to stay (in Germany) should be sent back with determination.

Migrants

Then it’s time for Merkel’s determination nation to get that determination up and running, I guess: Some 550,000 migrants in Germany who have had their asylum requests rejected have still not been deported, according to parliamentary figures cited by a local media outlet.

In Deutschland leben nach Angaben der Bundesregierung fast 550.000 abgelehnte Asylbewerber.

Plain Talk?

In Germany? When it comes to the refugee crisis here? I’m sure you mean well but you’re clearly on another wavelength than the Germans.

Merkel

In Germany, in particular, there is a sense that the authorities have lost control and that established political parties cannot think or talk plainly about the problem…

Only now does Angela Merkel concede that she made mistakes when admitting a million refugees last year. It was obvious to most people in Europe at the time that her warm-hearted gesture would lead to catastrophic results. In declaring that all Syrian refugees would be welcome if they made it to Germany, she doubled the fortunes of the human trafficking industry. The asylum seekers came from Syria and North Africa through Austria and Hungary, having landed on the shores of Italy and Greece. Thousands died on the way.

Angela Merkel: Migranten ohne Bleiberecht sollen entschlossen zurückgeschickt werden.

Losing Isn’t Everything II

Talk about a sore loser. One day after the Pirate “bring in the clowns” Party finally gets tossed out of the Berlin Senat for good, one clearly unbalanced Pirate politician poster boy electrocutes himself in his apartment in Berlin Steglitz (otherwise not exactly the most electrifying district in Berlin).

Pirat

It gets even better, though (or worse, depending upon how you look at it). Word is now out that it looks as though he abused and murdered some other dude in his apartment before abusing and murdering himself.

And if that wasn’t shocking enough (shocking, get it?), Berlin’s SPD mayor Michael something or other, after getting reelected – sort of, the SPD having received during Sunday’s election the lowest percentage of votes ever for a “winning” government-forming party in Germany – well, this guy bans the press spokesman lady he just can’t get along with one of the most dreaded, cruel and unusual punishments known in all of Germany itself: Early retirement. The shocking part here? She’s 37. In Social Democracy anything is possible.

Berlin is kind of a wacko place, by the way.

Losing Isn’t Everything

It’s the only thing. If you belong to Angela Merkel’s CDU party these days, that is.

Merkel

But don’t worry. The brainiest ones over at the CDU are putting their heads together at this very moment to figure out were these electoral loses at these recent regional elections are coming from. They’ll figure it out before all too long, I’m sure.

Chancellor Angela Merkel’s party was dealt another blow in a regional election, posting its worst result in Berlin since the end of World War II as the anti-immigration Alternative for Germany extended its challenge to the political establishment by siphoning off voters.

The Social Democrats, Merkel’s junior coalition partner in the national government, won the election for the capital’s state assembly and the chancellor’s Christian Democratic Union finished second. Yet their combined voter share declined by about a quarter, leaving the “grand coalition” of the two biggest parties without a majority to run Germany’s biggest city.

“Sehr bitter.”