You may be tough and you may be a German football (some say soccer) star, but when it comes to playing in next summer’s World Cup in South Africa, sicher ist sicher (it’s better to be safe than sorry).
That’s why Germany’s footballers will be expected to wear bullet-proof vests next summer, and stay as near their hotel as much as possible. Even while playing, I guess. Sicher ist sicher.
“The possibility for the players of moving outside of the hotel boundaries should be kept to a minimum.”
Sing along with us! We’re threatening you again, Germany, and this time (the fourth time) it’s for real, this threat is, that is, honest. And we really mean it too no fooling for real.
That’s right. Germany is on edge again today (as it is every day), only this time it’s after receiving a fourth consecutive al-Qaeda video warningthreatening an imminent bomb attack in Germany unless the government withdraws its troops from Afghanistan, which it is already planning to do of course, as quickly and thoroughly as it possibly can, although not quite all too publicly just yet, and everybody here knows this you see. So go figure. Dumb terrorists.
They (the terrorists) still don’t know just how “crudely pacifist” Germans really and truly are. As writer Thea Dorn rightly (writely?) described in last week’s Zeit (Vulgärpazifismus – where’s the link, you pacifist Zeitpeople types, huh?), unlike in other countries and cultures, freedom is free in Germany. As soon as it starts to cost anything, or even appears to, they’re outta here, or there (Afghansitan) in this case.
The terrorists don’t have to do anything here, in other words, so they won’t. They’re not really dumb, in other words. And I hope they didn’t take an offense in me saying that they were up there in paragraph two. Peace, brothers.
“The threats were aimed at German voters ahead of next Sunday’s general election and were being taken seriously by the security authorities.”
I thought only Americans did this kind of thing. Now it’s your turn to apologize to the world for defending your own troops – and yourselves.
„Friday’s airstrike was called in by a German commander after Taliban rebels hijacked two fuel tankers.“
“The German commander ordered the airstrike after seeing live footage of the tankers, with people around them, beamed from US aircraft in the skies above Kunduz.”
“The Germans, who also spoke to an informant at the scene, decided the people were militants.”
“Auch international steht die Bundesregierung nach dem verheerenden Luftangriff in der Kritik.”
Hard to say for sure, there are so damned many of them here in Germany. This year’s “Die Ängste der Deutschen 2009” (German Fears 2009) study seems to indicate that the fear of the year is, understandably, the economic situation.
But then some of the other top fears get broken down by region: The Bavarians are worried most about natural catastrophes, the Hessians lose sleep over terrorist attacks and the Berliners are apparently frightened silly about becoming invalids, dependent on care (a Pflegefall), which, if you stop to think about it, they needn’t be. They already are.
“Aber das durchschnittleiches Angstniveau ist nicht gestiegen.”
“How could these anarchists have tricked security personnel and climbed the Reichstag dome in full mountaineering gear?”
See the shocking video or something, but only first after the obligatory short commercial break.
Repeat after me time and time and time again, preferably in your sleep: “The people want a future without atomic power.” And we, as in they, as you know, are the people, after all. And they always know what’s best for us.
“Die Menschen wollen eine Zukunft ohne Atomkraft.”
The polls are leaking! The polls are leaking! It’s that newfangled American Twitter nonsense, I tell ya.
„The apparent illegal leaking of exit polls for German regional elections (in Twitter) has raised concerns weeks before the country’s general election. Forecasts for Sunday’s results in Saarland, Thuringia and Saxony appeared on Twitter 90 minutes before polling stations closed in the three states.“
Wow. That actual exit polls were never released or that the numbers released were nothing more than educated guesses, that doesn’t interest anyone, of course. Concerns have been raised, and that’s the main thing. And oh, wait a minute! I have another newfangled idea for you here: Why not forget about polls altogether and just vote your conscience no matter what? Nah. I’d better see what Twitter tells me first.
Oh brother. It’s good-old German Techno-Angst all over again (they only like Techno music). They’re always frightened of technology that isn’t their own, especially if it comes from you-know-where.
“Es wäre der GAU, wenn die Wählerbefragungen vor Schließung der Wahllokale öffentlich bekanntwürden.”
How dull are they, you ask? Sure, we’re in the middle of a giant Sommerloch (the “summer hole”, that boring, no-news summer season when most media drones appear to be on vacation), or just crawling back out of it again. But opposition politicians trying to turn a dinner party hosted by Angela Merkel (16 months back) “that included the chief executive of Deutsche Bank, Josef Ackermann, and 30 other guests, contending that she used taxpayers’ money to celebrate Mr. Ackermann’s 60th birthday” into a campaign issue?
Now that’s dull. And the election is just a few weeks out too, in case you were wondering, which you weren’t, especially now after having read this.
No matter. I’m sure that once everyone has climbed back out of this year’s summer hole the campaigning will get a whole lot more interesting. No I’m not. That was just like a figure of speech or something.
“The dinner was not a birthday party, but a dinner of schnitzel and cold asparagus for people prominent in business, culture, science and education, including Mr. Ackermann.”
Remember when the image of a light bulb used to represent having a good idea? Well an EU ban ushering in the replacement of traditional light bulbs with the more energy-efficient compact fluorescent bulb (CFL) type has got everybody in Germany coming up with a bright new idea of their own: Hoarding the old ones.
Sure it’s bureaucracy gone wild again, but it’s only for your own good again, folks. And this way, with you guys doing all that hoarding, everybody wins. The producers and sellers of those bad old evil old light bulbs included.
“Hardware stores and home-improvement chains in Germany are seeing massive increases in the sales of the traditional bulbs. Obi reports a 27 percent growth in sales over the same period a year ago. Hornbach has seen its frosted-glass light bulb sales increase by 40-112 percent. When it comes to 100-watt bulbs, Max Bahr has seen an 80 percent jump in sales, while the figure has been 150 percent for its competitor Praktiker.”
„Wiesner recounts a story of how one of his field representatives recently saw a man in a hardware store with a shopping cart full of light bulbs of all types worth more than €200 ($285). “That’s enough for the next 20 years.“
Sure we still do, but still. Talk about a product that’s going to sell like hotcakes. A Munich research team has come up with a new drug which will combat panic attacks. It’s called XBD173 and stands for “eXtremely Beneficial Drug after 173 tries”, I think. Or maybe it means “eXtremely Buzzed Doctors after 173 tries”, hard to say for sure. Or how about “eXcellent Bitchin’ Dope, Dude”? Nah, that’s with two Ds.
Anyways, this stuff will supposedly take care of your panic attacks in no time (and don’t pretend like you don’t have any because we all know you do). It messes with nerve cell receptors, should you still have any, and prevents them from passing on critical Angst chemicals to other nerve cell receptors long dependent on the stuff, should you still have them, too (Angst is German for angst, by the way). Sure everybody will be going through a little cold turkey for a while. But this is science. So shut up and bite the bullet already.
Unfortunately though, it may take another ten years to get this product on the market. And that could be too late for some of us, like me. And just thinking about that puts me in a panic already.
„Die Pharmaindustrie unterstütze die Entwicklung.“
PS: Have you ever noticed that we live in an angst-driven economy/culture/world/life? This drug may not be a good thing after all, in other words. My suspicion: The usual suspect dark forces are actually behind this development. Think about it (OK, stop now you’ve thought about it enough). Maybe we should just say no…
Observing Hermann 