I could’ve been, I mean I am a contender!

Still pretending like he and his SPD comrades have a sliver of a glimmer of a smidgen of a shred or sniff of a prayer of a ghost of a chance of doing well in Germany’s upcoming parliamentary election, Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier is boldly going where no man in his position has never not gone before and taken the offensive by claiming that everything is wide open and that “we will keep it open and win in the end.”

Honest I am!

Just how he plans to do this when only about 25 percent of Germans polled would even consider voting for the Social Democrats is not clear, but you have to admire him for doing the only thing left open for him to do. Actually you don’t have to, if you stop and think about it, but still.

„The party drew a record-low 20.8 percent of the vote in European parliamentary elections a week ago.“

The wolves are back! Let’s shoot them!

Remember Bruno the Bear? Hunters in northern Germany are still pissed off about not having had a chance to take a shot at him, down south. So I guess that’s why they’ve begun knocking off the wolves up north.

Who you dancing with now?

Famous for their greenish, back-to-nature attitudes, Germans nevertheless detest disorder of any kind and German hunters appear to be the worst about this kind of thing. These wolves aren’t supposed to be here, you see. They came in illegally over the Polish border a while back and have been, well, breeding like rats ever since. It’s time to take action or something.

You know, like that scene in the Kevin Costner movie? It’s the Wild West all over again over here, only it’s in the Wild East this time.

“Es gibt Grund zu der Vermutung, dass der Jäger wusste, worauf er schoss.”

The six months aren’t even up yet

The six month honeymoon between Germany and President Obama, I mean. Well at least that’s how much time I gave them.

Can we just be friends?

There’s already a wide spectrum of wonderfully hurt feelings out there everywhere these days. Chancellor Merkel’s pampered days of back-rubs, barbecues and regularly held video conferences seem to have been replaced by what many see here as intentional slights coming from Washington. These seem to have begun sometime in, let me see, well, in January.

And then this Opel number yesterday. Sure it’s evil GM all over again, but they are not alone this time. At an all-night “Opel summit” rescue session held especially in the Chancellery (this needless to say big medicine for Merkel and Co. in an election year) only a few low-level reps from Treasury even bothered to show up. And the American government has a lot to say about the matter at the moment, as you well know. The “summit” was a mega flop, of course, and the Germans are clearly outraged at not having their concerns taken seriously, yet again.

Stay tuned and let’s see what doesn’t get taken seriously next. I’ll still give the honeymoon another month or two, though. I’m just that kind of an optimistic guy.

„Some in Berlin have suggested that Obama is still punishing Merkel for not allowing him to speak at the Brandenburg Gate when he passed through Berlin last summer in the midst of his rousing campaign for the presidency.“

Talk about your 57 varieties

People over here want a piece of that President Obama magic so bad that they are even starting to line up to get the same kind of dog he has. You know, one like Bo. They want a Portuguese water dog now living in Washington who came from an American breeder in Texas, only for Germans, in Germany.

I used to work for Dr. Suess.

Animal behaviorists over have warned Portuguese water dog breeders to gear up for what will be a huge surge in demand for puppies. Animal misbehaviorists over here have warned the same thing. And animal-rights activists are disappointed with the President’s decision not to adopt a real mutt instead, and not one of these blue blooded, aristocratic types. But who cares what they think? Dumb animals. I mean, dumb animal-rights activists.

“My phone has not stopped ringing and I have had at least 100 people call me!”

Ideology muss sein

Ideology it must be, at least here in Germany. It’s strange to see how an issue concerning Monsanto’s MON 810 “green” corn melts down to molten corn on the cob before your very eyes. What might be approached with calm discussion in another country turns into an hysterical hissing fit of abandon here in Germany before a real discussion can ever even begin.  

 

Schmeckt lecker!

 

Well hidden on page 31 of this weeks’s Zeit (Wissen) was an interesting assessment of the “issue” which of course isn’t a real issue at all. Germany’s banning of the genetically altered corn is of course nothing other than a cow tow to the forces which have created the ideological vicious circle that politically correct German politicians now find themselves in (and they’re all politically correct here, as you well know). Needing to cash in on the well orchestrated populist sentiment that keeps reaching new highs (lows?) in all matters concerning environmental, climate change, anti-science, anti-American, you-get-my-drift hysteria, the banning of MON 810 is a purely political decision which has nothing at all to do with science or agriculture, much less with corn.

 

That the toxin produced by the corn to kill the corn boring moth larva is the same one produced by soil bacteria and sprayed by organic farmers on their organic fields here (has been for years now) doesn’t interest anyone. The people, whoever they are, have spoken and will now rest better at night knowing that they have stopped that evil US-American Monsanto Corporation from infiltrating their pristine corn fields before they get up and go out to buy some organic farmer’s expensive, toxin-treated corn the very next day.

 

Although, come to think of it, Germans don’t even eat corn to begin with.

 

“Das in den Mais eingebaute Toxin gegen Fraßschädlinge spritzen Biolandwirte mit höchstem ökologischen Segen auf ihre Felder. Das Gift stammt aus Bodenbakterien und ist seit mehr als hundert Jahren bekannt.“

Now all bets are off!

Pissed off about being sued by resentful pirates they had elegantly disposed of by dumping them off on clueless Kenyan officials, the Federal Republic of Germany is finally ready to blow its top and have its navy blow the next bunch of pirate punks it accidently runs into in the Gulf of Aden CLEAN out of the water. And they really truly mean it this time honest for real. Or at least they could mean it, maybe.

 

Yo, ho, ho already.

 

“There can only be one answer to pirate attacks like these; their ships must be destroyed on the high seas immediately,” said one furious German politician who has absolutely nichts zu melden (nothing to say in the matter) here. “The navy must finally start using its weaponry.  Any further timidity would only make the German state look ridiculous.”

 

Well there we have it. We certainly wouldn’t want that. So get your popcorn a poppin’, people. This looks like war or something.

 

“Bei Piratenangriffen kann es nur eine richtige Antwort geben: Die Schiffe der Seeräuber müssen auf hoher See unverzüglich versenkt werden”, sagte Uhl. Die Marine müsse endlich ihre Bordwaffen einsetzen, mit weiterer Zaghaftigkeit “macht sich der deutsche Staat nur lächerlich”.

Mutant American corn verboten in Germany

Getting everything wrong yet again, and terrified this time at the prospect of a “General Motors” (GM) corn that spawns deadly corn boring moth larva who hunger for the taste of Central European human flesh,  panicked Germans everywhere have band together and banned Monsanto’s MON 810 maize variety effective immediately if not sooner like yesterday already.

 

 I gottcha corn on the cob for ya right here!

 

Claiming that the decision to ban the harmless vegetable was now based on new ultra-objective data acquired from even ultra-objectiver sources at Greenpeace Labs Incorporated, the decision was of course a purely scientific one and not political in any way, or at least that’s what some of the corn-fed politicians said, truly believing that they have once again prevented another clear and present danger to the German environment, whatever that is.

 

German Research Minister Annette Schavan regretted the decision, made by another minister within the same government by the way, saying that especially during times of economic turmoil Germany should not be too quick to say too no to future technologies and not be so closed-minded and stop jumping up and down screaming hysterically dressed in green like that all the time, but who cares what she thinks?

 

“Gerade in einer Wirtschaftskrise wie heute sollten wir uns nicht vorschnell von Zukunftstechnologien verabschieden, zu denen die Grüne Gentechnik zweifellos gehört.“

Bad weather?

It was more like bad vibrations, I’d say. After a surprise visit to German troops in Afghanistan and a surprise attack by the Taliban upon her, Chancellor Angela Merkel is not surprisingly returning to Germany ahead of surprise schedule due to, uh, surprisingly bad weather conditions.

 

Eiserne Kanzlerin war gestern.

 

Women heads of state. What a bunch of wussies. One little rocket attack and they high tail it out of there. Of course on the other hand she was being protected by the German army…

 

„Die Kanzlerin konnte wegen ungünstiger Witterungsbedingungen nicht wie geplant per Hubschrauber vom größten Bundeswehrstandort Masir-i-Scharif nach Faisabad fliegen.“

The road to hell

No, I don’t mean that AC/DC song. I’m talking about President Obama’s trip to Europe this week (and thanks to you Mr. Ex-Minister Czech guy). Talk about a breaking fever (in this case Europe’s Obama one). I was sure this infatuation would last at least six months. But, then again, I was also sure about the lasting value of that Florida swamp land I bought a few years back, too.

 

 

 

“The tidal wave of expectation and enthusiasm that Obama rode into the White House is giving way to a more cautious reception in Europe as the administration’s policies begin to take shape.” More cautious? That’s about the most cautious term you can use for it.

 

“His policies are not exactly the change that they can believe in.”