Pokémon Go Home

Please.

Pokémon Go

“The game has gotten off to a good start in Germany. More than 7.7 million people, that’s 11 percent of the population, have downloaded and installed the app. By way of comparison, in Great Britain it’s 13 percent, 5.4 million of these players still playing. 34.4 million Americans have downloaded Pokémon Go and 30.8 million of them are still actively on the hunt. 10 million have made purchases through the app.”

In Deutschland hat das Spiel einen starken Start hingelegt. Mehr als 7,7 Millionen Menschen, also 11 Prozent der Bevölkerung, haben die App heruntergeladen und installiert.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

“I always knew that German tourists were a laugh a minute but this number here nearly KILLED me!”

Stunt

Five young German women were arrested after a flash mob stunt at a Spanish resort sparked a terror alert, police said Wednesday (Aug 3).

The five caused a stampede in Platja d’Aro in the northeastern region of Catalonia late Tuesday when one of them pretended to be a celebrity and the rest chased after her, whooping and screaming as they tried to snap her paparazzi-style…

Eleven people needed treatment for bruising and panic attacks.

The stunt occurred on the heels of an assault in the French Riviera resort of Nice on July 14 in which a man killed 84 people by ramming them with a truck.

Angeblich sollte dabei die Verfolgungsjagd eines Prominenten durch Paparazzi simuliert werden.

German Of The Day: Negerkuss

That means “negro kiss” and is a somewhat antiquated name for a popular chocolate covered marshmallow here.

Negerkuss

And using this name can get you fired in this highly sensitive, politically correct day and age we are forced to live in, too. A manager who works at the tour operator Thomas Cook just found that out.

It didn’t matter that no offense was intended when he ordered one of these things at the company cafeteria – from a black employee to boot – the company acted as it was expected to act and fired this otherwise irreproachable employee of ten years without notice.

Den Thomas-Cook-Mitarbeiter jedenfalls hat die drastische Reaktion des Unternehmens auf den Eklat in der Kantine erschüttert. Er zog vors Frankfurter Arbeitsgericht – und bekam dort Recht. Da der unbescholtene Mann aus dem mittleren Management mehr als zehn Jahre ohne Beanstandungen gearbeitet habe, sei ohne vorherige Abmahnung weder eine außerordentliche fristlose noch eine ordentliche Kündigung gerechtfertigt, befand das Arbeitsgericht.

Germans Pulling For France In Tonight’s Semi-Final

That’s tonight’s France versus Germany match, folks.

France

“Of course there is more at stake than football. France is feeling its economic weakness and it must look on enviously as the whole of Europe becomes more German.”

“A victory over Germany would be far more than a game won. It would be an act of liberation… A strengthened France helps Europe and the Germans.”

“One heart says France has suffered enough, so many dead from terrorism, the economy is in decline, 10 percent unemployment. France needs some solace.”

I haven’t read otherwise so I’m going to go way out on the limb here and bet you that the French are pulling for France tonight, too.

Die Deutschen selbstbewusst, mit einer seit Langem bewährten Führung, erfolgsverwöhnt nach einschneidenden Reformen, die jetzt schon über ein Jahrzehnt zurückliegen. Also: Klinsmann gleich Schröder und Löw gleich Merkel. Die Franzosen hingegen verunsichert und krisenbelastet, mit einer seit vielen Jahren erfolglosen Führung ohne klare Linie. Ihr heutiger Trainer Didier Deschamps, wie Präsident François Hollande seit 2012 im Amt, wechselt so beständig die Systeme auf dem Platz wie sein Präsident die politische Taktik im Élysée-Palast.

German Couple Waits Days To Be Offended By Naked Neighbor Using His Sauna

Butt naked. In Germany of all places. The nerve. Is nothing sacred?

Neighbors

In the latest example of the German habit of seeking legal rulings on the tiniest details of every day life, a man has won a case over the right to walk to the sauna in his garden in the altogether.

The 42-year-old, named only as Robert B under German privacy laws, installed a private sauna in his garden in Dortmund.

In common with most Germans, Robert B liked to take his sauna naked, and didn’t bother covering up on his way to and from the house, despite the fact he could be clearly seen from the next door garden.

His neigbour, named only as Hans L, was sufficiently offended at the sight to seek legal redress, and initially won a court order for Robert B to cover up.

But Robert B appealed against the decision, and this week succeeded in securing his right to parade around his garden in a state of undress.

Die Rechtslage war bisher nicht eindeutig. Infrage kommt § 118 des Ordnungswidrigkeitengesetzes. Darin heißt es: “Ordnungswidrig handelt, wer eine grob ungehörige Handlung vornimmt, die geeignet ist, die Allgemeinheit zu belästigen oder zu gefährden und die öffentliche Ordnung zu beeinträchtigen.”

US-Amerikan Election To Be Closely Monitored

Still reeling from the shock of Great Britain’s incorrect Brexit vote, the European and international community is now extremely worried that the result of the coming American presidential election might also not turn out as desired.

Trump

That is why the so-called “Initiative HERSELF,” spearheaded and financed by Germany (representing all the worried Europeans), Russia, China, North Korea and Cuba, intends to intensify its efforts in educating the clueless American public in matters of civic responsibility and to warn them of the unspeakable dangers that must occur should they not vote for this election cycle’s fashionable, gender-free candidate, Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton (no one would ever vote for a presidential candidate based on the color of his skin or the type of sex organ she has, you know – or vice versa – or the color of the sex organ, for that matter).

The initiative also calls for increasing by five the number of OSCE election monitors observing said election over there in the freakin’ United States of America because everybody knows about this country’s widespread and systematic voting fraud issues. We’re watching you, Amerika.

Die Organisation für Sicherheit und Zusammenarbeit in Europa (OSZE) will die Zahl ihrer Wahlbeobachter bei der bevorstehenden Präsidentschaftswahl in den USA verfünffachen.

Confused Green Youth These Days

We all know how the enlightened left detests flag-waving. You know, flag-waving as in “a fallacious argument or propaganda technique used to justify an action based on the undue connection to nationalism or patriotism or benefit for an idea, group or country,” whatever that means exactly.

Greens

But the Greens in Germany have taken this to a new level. Their youth group has called for German soccer fans to leave their German flags at home during the Euro 2006 because, well, “Patriotismus=Nationalismus. Fußballfans Fahnen runter!” That is, Patriotism = Nationalism. Down with those flags, soccer fans!

How do you get to that point where something as harmless as rooting for your national team becomes a sinister act of rabid warmongering? Without using hallucinogenic drugs to get there, I mean.

Flags

“Besser Patriot als ein Idiot.”

PS: I don’t have a German flag handy but good luck with Ukraine tonight anyway, Germany!

German Of The Day: Sprengstoffweste

That means explosive vest. You know, the kind your run-of-the-mill German industrial metal pyrotechnical hard rock bands use these days?

Rammstein

Damn. This gives pop culture a whole new meaning.

The German shock-rockers have launched their world tour with a bang, with frontman Til Lindemann donning an explosive vest at a Vienna concert. Rammstein are headlining top festivals from Moscow to Buenos Aires.

“Ich muss zerstören, doch es darf nicht mir gehören.”

Dalai Lama Now A German Right-Wing Populist Anti-Immigration Racist Jerk

Talk about your politically incorrect behavior. Why this is practically bordering on common sense!

Dalai Lama

In a recent interview with the Frankfurter Allgemeinen Zeitung, the incarnation of Avalokitesvara and the Bodhisattva of Compassion himself, otherwise known as the Dalai Lama, had the unmitigated audacity to weigh in on Germany’s refugee policy, or the lack of it, and like, you know, indirectly criticize it and stuff.

Noting that the moral superpower “cannot become an Arab country” and that “there are too many refugees there in the meantime” and that “these refugees should only be permitted to stay for a limited amount of time before going back to rebuild their home countries,” the brazen Tibetan monk has caused a violent wave of Schnappatmung (wild gasp-like breathing fits) among the morally indignant everywhere. In Germany, I mean. And there’s lots of them folks, believe you me.

Just who does this guy think he is? Other than the freakin’ Dalai Lama, I mean. And he calls himself a Christian man.

“Deutschland kann kein arabisches Land werden.”

Old People

Police in Germany are appealing for sightings of former members of the infamous far-left Baader-Meinhof terror group, who appear to have come out of retirement to attempt armed robberies to fund their lives on the run.

Old People

Or to fund their lives on the limp, with a stroller, is more like it. They call these strollers Rentnerporsche (pensioners’ Porsches) over here, by the way.

And these terrorists may be old and gray and in the way but they still mean business. Now they’re even robbing, now get this, gulp; Supermarkets!

Überfielen Ex-RAF-Terroristen Supermärkte?

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