German Men Practically As Good As German Women

When it comes to Olympic soccer gold, I mean.

Soccer

Neymar scored the deciding spot kick in a riveting penalty shootout to give Brazil its first Olympic championship in men’s soccer at the Rio Games on Saturday. The host nation won the shootout 5-4 after goalkeeper Weverton blocked Nils Petersen’s fifth-round penalty to keep it at 4-4.

Burkini Lady Sues

After being harassed at a swimming pool in a place called Bad Saarow in Brandenburg. All bads sarrow* on whether she’ll be getting legal satisfaction or not. And no, it wasn’t an itsy bitsy teenie weenie burkini kind of burkini she was wearing. That’s the whole problem, I guess.

Burkini

And speaking of teenies (just barely)… Are the hundreds (thousands?) of child brides in Germany going to sue next? To not have to be forced to go through with these ordeals, I mean? Stupid question. They’re way too young to be allowed to do that.

An anonymous teacher told newspaper Welt am Sonntag that young girls often suddenly stop showing up to school after getting married.

In Deutschland verschwinden immer öfter Mädchen aus der Schule, weil sie verheiratet wurden. Der Kinderschutzbund fordert, das Ehealter grundsätzlich auf 18 Jahre festzulegen – ohne Ausnahmen.

* Bets are off. Get it?

German Intelligence At Its Best

I mean like that spy kind of intelligence intelligence, you know what I mean?

Sleepeer Cell

A top official at Bavaria’s department of the Office for the Protection of the Constitution has gone way out on a limb and said that ISIS sleepers “may have arrived as refugees” in Germany. “We have irrefutable evidence that there is an ISIS command structure that makes an attack in Germany highly possible.”

He also said in a later comment that “The risk is abstract, but very high that the Pope is a Catholic.”

“Das Risiko ist zwar abstrakt, aber sehr hoch. Wir müssen akzeptieren, dass wir Hit-Teams und Schläferzellen auch hier in Deutschland haben.”

“This Is Our Street”

The times they are a changin’ in Berlin.

Berlin

“Residents on Soldiner Straße in Gesundbrunnen (Wedding) called the cops on Monday night because children were playing inside a car and had started up the motor repeatedly. A crowd of some 70 people formed around the officers and began behaving aggressively, threatening them. In the early afternoon two days later, also in Gesundbrunnen, a 23-year-old man began interfering with officers who were investigating an infringement. The conflict got physical and one officer was injured. During the arrest, some 30 people began protesting loudly against the police action.”

Nobody is allowed to mention in this article just who these people are, but I’ll give you a hint: They’re not Germans.

Are we having a no-go area yet? I think these folks need more therapy or something.

Erst vor kurzem bedrohte und bedrängte ein aufgebrachter Mob Berliner Polizisten im Wedding. Nun haben sich in demselben Problembezirk abermals Dutzende Menschen der Polizei in den Weg gestellt.

Poor But Sexy, But Poor

Those were the days. Berlin used to be just (arm aber sexy) poor but sexy.

Poor

Now Berlin is poor but sexy, but poor. At least when it comes to trying to earn a living here.

The German capital pulls down the per capita income for the entire country. According to Eurostat (the European statistics office), Germany’s gross national product (with an emphasis on gross) would climb 0.2 percent if they could just find a way to factor out losers like us here in Berlin.

Poor? Yo capital is so poor it can’t afford to pay attention.

Die Hauptstadt drückt auf das Pro-Kopf-Einkommen der gesamten Bundesrepublik: Das Bruttoinlandsprodukt je Einwohner würde um 0,2 Prozent steigen, wenn man Berlin und seine Einwohner ausklammert, wie das Institut der deutschen Wirtschaft (IW) auf Basis von Daten des Europäischen Statistikamtes Eurostat errechnete.

Dial M For Migrant

To get the ISIS-ones-now-operating-in-Germany kind, I mean.

Ansbach

The two refugees who launched terror attacks in Germany last month were in contact with suspected members of the militant group Isis, including one with a Saudi phone number, according to reports in the German media on Saturday.

Records of internet communication now in the hands of German investigators show both men, the Afghan teenager Riaz Khan Ahmadzai, and Mohammed Daleel, a 27-year-old Syrian, were advised and directed by Isis, which provided tips on ensuring the maximum number of casualties.

“This area will be full of people. Kill them all.”

Attentäter sollen Anweisungen per Handy erhalten haben.

German Of The Day: Bewaffnete Bürger

No, that doesn’t mean Waffle Burger (do you want fries with that?). It means armed citizens.

Guns

And yes, believe it or not, many Germans actually own so-called “guns.” Although a lot of them are just Schreckschusswaffen (alarm guns that fire blanks).

And word is out that the number of Germans wanting guns of any kind has increased dramatically the past year or two, for some inexplicable reason.

“As of June 2016, there were 402,301 small arms carry permits in the National Weapons Register,” the Interior Ministry said. The first half of 2015 recorded slightly less than 270,000 requests for permits – that’s an almost 50% jump in permit applications.

Next German Practical Joke Goes Haywire

What do the Germans have with the Spanish these days, anyway? Yesterday’s flash mob antics in Catalonia failed miserably.

Fire

Now a German man says a toilet paper mishap (that certainly starts off well, doesn’t it?) started a wildfire on La Palma.

The 27-year-old man told police that he had attempted to burn toilet paper used after he defecated off of a forest trail in a nature park, but quickly sparked a blaze.

Der unter Verdacht stehende Deutsche hat laut Polizei keinen festen Wohnsitz. Die Zeitung “ABC” schrieb, er wohne in einer Höhle.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

“I always knew that German tourists were a laugh a minute but this number here nearly KILLED me!”

Stunt

Five young German women were arrested after a flash mob stunt at a Spanish resort sparked a terror alert, police said Wednesday (Aug 3).

The five caused a stampede in Platja d’Aro in the northeastern region of Catalonia late Tuesday when one of them pretended to be a celebrity and the rest chased after her, whooping and screaming as they tried to snap her paparazzi-style…

Eleven people needed treatment for bruising and panic attacks.

The stunt occurred on the heels of an assault in the French Riviera resort of Nice on July 14 in which a man killed 84 people by ramming them with a truck.

Angeblich sollte dabei die Verfolgungsjagd eines Prominenten durch Paparazzi simuliert werden.

Half Of German Army Resigns

Over 400 German soldiers have filed applications for resignation from the country’s armed forces, leaving the other half to fend for itself all on its own.

Bundeswehr

Combat situations are often revelatory moments in which the risk of a soldier’s career – of killing or being killed is often realized for the first time and then experienced in its full scope,” said a Left party Bundeswehr expert when interviewed about the matter.

“That the German army doesn’t ever experience any combat situations like ever at all (as in NEVER) is the really mysterious thing behind all of this,” said another unnamed expert who wasn’t even being interviewed. Or even asked, for that matter. Nor will he ever be, as far as I can figure.

Seit Mitte 2014 wollten 62 Soldatinnen und 407 Soldaten aus Gewissensgründen entlassen werden.

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