Drug money

And here I thought they were all on dope already. The Left party’s expert for addiction and drugs (or was it drugs and addiction?) has suggested combating the German state’s current fiscal woes by legalizing marijuana because “We could really use the money we would take in with cannabis tax for, like say, health education.”

What a bunch of copycats. Or maybe this is just the next well-orchestrated move in some sinister international German-Austrian-Californian drug tax cartel conspiracy. Damn. My head starts spinning just thinking about it. And I get the munchies, too.

„Dann hätten wir eine Gleichstellung aller Drogen.“

We’re number one! We’re number one!

Germany is. When it comes to paying taxes and other public charges, it is. The average German worker, or milk cow if you prefer, shells out much more than any of his counterparts in other countries do, the highest rate of any industrialized country. And this is the case whether you’re a single or a couple or a family here, according to a study by the OECD.

The average single earner here is allowed to keep 48 percent of what he or she earns after all the taxes and dues are in, for instance. But take heart. If you have a lousy job that hardly pays you anything to begin with, you can take home a whole 52.7 percent of what you make.

Well, at least now that this study is out I’m sure that the German government will do something about this gross imbalance and shocking lack of Gerechtigkeit (justice) and, uh, money. For the folks who actually earn it, I mean. But, then again, I’m also sure that the Washington Nationals are going to win the World Series later this year, too.

“Die Armen tragen die größte Last.”

We can hardly wait

May 12, 2009 By Hermann Observer in History Tags: Demjanjuk 4 Comments

Nobody in Germany really wants this guy here, of course. But…

„Ultimately Mr. Demjanjuk’s advanced age and poor health serve as reminders, regardless of the outcome in court, of how the living memory of the crimes committed during World War II is on the verge of disappearing. Mr. Demjanjuk’s case might well be the last major war crimes trial in Germany, marking the end of an era that began in Nuremberg in 1945.“

Is that a bright side?

„Allerdings muss noch geklärt werden, ob der 89-Jährige verhandlungsfähig ist.“

Eating utensils soon to be verboten, too

May 11, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes Tags: Knife attacks Leave a comment

Now that playing paintball is about to become a felony here in Germany, many Germans are worried about today’s somewhat vicious knife attack at the Albert-Einstein-Gymnasium in St. Augustin and fear it could cause a political backlash that might just lead to the complete Verbot of eating utensils in their country and the end of civilized eating behavior as they now know it.

Otherwise quite fastidious when it comes to eating with tools, Germans everywhere nevertheless understand that the possible outlawing of all knives, forks and spoons within the home would only be done so with their own best interest at heart and would help in the ongoing national struggle to prevent any further lowering of the threshold of violence already quite palpable at many a German dinner table.

“16-Jährige nach Messerattacke auf der Flucht”

We don’t take in just any innocently held enemy combatant terrorist type, you know

May 10, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Hypocrisy Tags: Gitmo Leave a comment

Germany still has a few questions it needs to have answered before it can decide to say no to taking in the Guantanamo prisoners the United States is now trying to relocate for our sins, so-to-speak (or was it their sins?). I’ll try to answer these as best I can.

“Firstly: is it sufficiently certain that these people pose no danger?” My answer: No, it isn’t. That’s one reason why they were in prison.

“Secondly, why can’t the United States take the people concerned?” My answer: We, like Germany, now prefer a more international solution to the problem.

“And thirdly, is there any relation to Germany?” My answer: No, no more than there is a relation to Lithuania and Portugal, but you moaned about Guantanamo so loud and so long we figured you might want to take this opportunity to finally do something about it.

Any further questions?

„Innenministerium fordert Sicherheitsgarantien für Guantanamo-Häftlinge”

Daniela K.

May 9, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Hotness Tags: Daniela Katzenberger Leave a comment

Beautiful German of the week.

Because somebody has to admire them.

Paintball verboten! Paintball verboten?

May 8, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus Tags: Weapons 1 Comment

Correct me please if I misunderstood the German in this article here, you German speakers out there, but does it really say that Germany’s coalition government wants to forbid the playing of paintball because it “lowers the threshold for acts of violence” like the one which recently took place in Winnenden?

Why stop there? Why not forbid German kids (of all ages) from playing cowboys and Indians and cops and robbers? Not that a German kid would ever pretend to shoot an Indian or a robber or anything (the cop maybe), that was just like a figure of speech or something OK? I’m just trying to follow this line of reasoning through to its logical conclusion, so give me a break already.

Verstöße sollen mit einer Geldbuße von bis zu 5000 Euro geahndet werden.

Better than the Weather Channel

May 8, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Hi-tech Tags: Boris Becker Leave a comment

But just barely. That’s right, folks. It’s time to introduce… Boris Becker Web TV!

You can now watch Boris hanging out at one of his many homes, getting face-sucked by his latest fiancé, going to and even in one of his many bathrooms, taking his latest medication (we hope) and even getting married at his very latest made-for-Web-TV marriage, but you knew about that one already. You won’t be seeing him play any tennis any soon, though. If you want sports, go to ESPN – to ESPN Classics.

And all of this 24 freakin’ hours a day! Kind of like the weather, you know?

„Dies ist das erste personalisierte Web-TV der Welt.“

Remember Rumsfeld?

May 7, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes Tags: Donald Rumsfeld 1 Comment

What a dumb question, right? And although Germany’s Finance Minister Peer Steinbrück is anything but “right” (in more ways than one), I can’t help but think that if Germany ever needed a Donald Rumsfeld, this guy would definitely be the man. Damn. Germany doesn’t need a Donald Rumsfeld (the Germans will be the first to tell you that one) and this guy is still the man.

He has that same every-time-I-open-my-mouth-I’m-going-to-provoke-the-hell-out-of-you gene that Rummy had (and still has, I’m sure – more power to you and run with it buddy) and although it never really, uh, came in handy or anything I suppose, it was entertaining as hell or infuriating as hell or take your pick it was both.

Today The Peer is whoppin’ on Switzerland and its tax laws again, this time comparing that country to Burkina Faso. Now I’ve never been to Burkina Faso or anything and don’t know much about it really, but I guess that’s a bad comparison to make when it comes to tax laws because otherwise The Peer wouldn’t have used it, right? Anyway, now everybody’s pissed off. And that’s the main thing.

So, well, I never thought I would be able to say this folks, but I think I’m really starting to like this guy.

“Burkina jubelt, Faso auch.”

More fascinating Kunst

May 6, 2009 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus Tags: Art 2 Comments

Not. But at least it’s disgusting. I’m not even sure if I can really believe this is real or really happening: A traveling exhibition of preserved human bodies?

You can donate your body for one of the upcoming shows here if you want to. I don’t. And I don’t get this world anymore, either. Or this body world, I should say.

Für besondere Aufregung sorgte schon im Vorfeld dieses Motiv namens “Schwebender Akt”.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”