I always knew that the French had a screw loose somewhere. Thrilled, like Germany, at the closing of Guantanamo in a year’s time, unlike Germany, those crazy Frenchmen are actually willing and even planning to take in 60 of the 245 detainees remaining. Don’t they know that these folks are dangerous?

In other words, the French are putting their money where their mouths are. Germany, on the other hand, welcomes Obama’s decision to close the facility but has no intention of welcoming any of the detainees. That’s a more vernünftige (reasonable) and, well, cheaper reaction (decisions that don’t cost or obligate you to anything are always the more reasonable decisions here).

But the Germans are still willing to talk. They always are, come to think of it. France, occasionally actually willing to do something, has sent its plan to distribute Guantanamo detainees throughout Europe to all its European partners and will be discussing this European solution with European EU foreign ministers meeting on Monday in Brussels, in Europe.

Washington, for its part, has indicated that it would like its allies to take in some of the detainees, but has not yet made a formal request to Germany (duh). Germany, of course, still aglow over its glory years under Gerhard Schroeder when it learned to loudly say no before ever being asked, has effectively said no already. Before being asked again, I mean. But I’m sure these European talks in Europe tomorrow will be very, uh, productive anyway, Europeanly speaking.

“Jeder Staat soll entscheiden, ob er Ex-Häftlinge nimmt und welche.“

Huh? I’m confused (again). I thought Guantanamo was supposed to be closed because of its sensibility offending lack of niceness and goodness and that innocence until proven guilty thing we all cherish and all that. But now that these victimized, brutalized prisoner types will finally be released (free at last!), how come nobody’s standing in line to welcome them back home again? Or at least to welcome them back home to home away from home, I mean.

Germany sure isn’t welcoming any of them. Just ask their top politicians. Otherwise despised by a huge number of distrustful German souls (and needless to say there are a whole bunch of those) for being some new hybrid form of Big Brother Himself, German Interior Minister Wolfgang Schaeuble has gotten right to the heart of the matter and spoken from the collective heart of his German countrymen brothers (and sisters) by announcing that he sees no reason why Germany should provide sanctuary to people who are too dangerous for the United States.

Being the world famous humanitarians that they are, however, the Germans can’t just say no outright. That is why, as always, they will be seeking an “international solution” to this problem, or at least a European one, which sounds even more, well, European, albeit international. This inevitably means that somebody else other than Germany gets stuck with the problem, you see. But they can still claim to have participated in the solution, get it?

That’s why a spokesman for the government has announced that Germany has not “fully defined its position” yet.  But why should they even go to the trouble? It’s already very clear what their position is now.

“He did not see an imminent threat from the Guantanamo detainees.”