And What About The Illegal Aliens From Outer Space?

World famous for opening their borders to illegal aliens from anywhere and everywhere else in this world, German Green politicians were recently stunned to discover that their government has failed to adequately prepare for the possible arrival of illegal aliens from other worlds.

Aliens

“So how do you organize a welcome party for an alien race?” asked a flustered CDU politician during intense questioning. “You planet!” the Greens shouted back.

The German government says it has made no preparations for the possibility that aliens might land in the European country.

In a response to questions from opposition Green Party lawmaker Dieter Janecek, the government said “there are no protocols or plans for a possible first contact with alien life.”

“A first contact on German territory is extremely unlikely, based on today’s scientific knowledge.”

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No Fake News Here

It’s called “miscommunication.”

Miscommunication

This week, two individuals became the focus of global celebration following an unlikely and joyous confluence of circumstances.

The viral story went that two elderly men escaped their care facility to attend a metal festival in northern Germany (or, as one headline put it: “Elderly Men Escape Retirement Home to Go RAGE!!”).

Except they weren’t, and they didn’t.

The two men, as it turns out, are 58 and 59 years old and had escaped “a home for people with mental health issues,” according to the Associated Press, before traveling to Wacken, a city roughly 50 miles north of Hamburg. They arrived there at the same time that the Wacken Open Air music festival — referred to as the world’s largest for metal — was happening.

If they can’t or won’t get the facts straight on a harmless little story like this then imagine what kind of fairy tale twisting must be going with the more politicized stuff.

World Ending Again

In Germany.

Heat

In a country where everyone is always complaining about the lack of sunshine, several consecutive months of heat and sunshine (in other countries referred to as “the summer”) have led the alarmist fringe of the population (that’s roughly 97% of the population) to the scientific conclusion that they now find themselves smack dab in the middle of a major “state of meteorological emergency” and are all going to die even before the sky gets the chance to fall down. If only the gray skies and rain would come back so they could bitch and moan about that again! As nature intended.

What makes summer 2018 an exception is the unusually long period of heat. Such a persistent period of fine weather, with lots of sunshine and little rain, occurs on average once every 10 years at most in the country. And given the lack of rain, it’s not the heat that’s the problem, but the drought — especially in northern and eastern Germany, where there has been virtually no rainfall in some places since May.

This may be due to climate change, but it may also be unrelated. Germany has also experienced extreme droughts in previous years. In 1992, for example, when wheat withered away in the fields, wells dried up and priests prayed for rain at church services. Or in 1971, when forest fires flared up in many places across the country. Or in 1947, when even drinking water became scarce.

“Somebody is always complaining. It’s sheer nonsense.”

Germans Sitting Too Much – In Drafts

Whether at work or in front of the TV, Germans spend around 7.5 hours per day sitting, a study has found.

Draft

But worse still, much of that time these Germans are sitting in deadly German drafts (see German oddity 14).

14. A real German is a faithful practitioner of “Stoßlüftung” or inrush airing. This is when someone quickly rips several windows wide open for a few minutes to let some fresh, preferably ice-cold arctic air into what had been your warm and cozy apartment or office up until then. When it comes to leaving windows open for a longer period of time, however, Germans are clearly divided into two distinct ideological groups. The first group is the “shut the window right this minute because there’s a draft” faction (Germans are terrified of drafts). The second group is the “open the window again immediately because it smells like the cat house at the zoo” faction. Strangely, these two groups appear to be equally distributed in homes and offices across the nation so the fun with windows never stops here.

Fresh air or deathly drafts? Germans’ belief in the myth that breezes make you sick is completely overblown.

Germans Outraged That Trump Would Not Go To War For Montenegro

The Germans certainly would.

Trump

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

These people kill me sometimes. Figuratively speaking.

Montenegro, a former Yugoslav republic with a population of about 630,000, joined NATO last year, becoming is 29th member. Its military only numbers about 2,000 personnel.

The only time Article 5 was ever invoked was by America after the September 11, 2001 terror attacks conducted by al-Qaeda.

Für ein kleines Land wie Montenegro in den Krieg ziehen? Donald Trump hat in einem Interview Zweifel an der Bündnistreue der USA innerhalb der Nato gesät. Der US-Präsident machte eine vielsagende Andeutung.

Germans Not Only Fear Donald Trump More Than Vlad Putin

According to an unreleased secret poll yet in my possession…

Trump

Over ninety-seven percent of Germans asked also fear Donald Trump more than Joseph Stalin, Caligula, Jack the Ripper, Freddy Krueger, Jaws (does he, like, actually have a name?) and Chuck Norris. Combined. To name just a few.

The United States may be Germany’s No. 1 ally, but two-thirds of Germans think that the US president is more dangerous than his Russian counterpart. That’s not surprising when you look at Germany’s political priorities.

“Vor einem US-Präsidenten Donald Trump habe ich definitiv mehr Angst als vor Putin.”

That’s Not Fair

Why couldn’t German tanks take part in the competition?

Oh, I forgot. They’re all broken.

The idea of green U.S. Army M1 Abrams tanks with big white stars on their sides, huge American flags flying on top, and art on the hull depicting a turtle wearing a World War II-era tanker uniform, running over a pile of cars sounds like something straight out of a 1980s arcade game. But its actually a real scene from the annual Strong Europe Tank Challenge at the service’s 7th Army Training Command’s Grafenwoehr Training Area in Germany.

I Don’t Speak Your Body Language

Or, better yet, German of the day: Über den Tisch ziehen.

G7

That means “pull over the table,” as in to get pulled over the barrel or bamboozled.

Body Language 2

Recall back in 2015, almost three years ago to the day, when Merkel, with outstretched arms, stood before President Obama, seated on a bench at that year’s Group of 7 summit.

Sein Verhältnis zur deutschen Bundeskanzlerin beschrieb Donald Trump mit dem Vokabular des Preisrichters bei einem Schönheitswettbewerb: Auf einer Punkteskala von 1 bis 10 gebe er der Beziehung zu “Angela und Emmanuel und Justin” die Bestnote, sagte der US-Präsident am Samstag vor seiner Abreise vom G7-Gipfel in La Malbaie mit Blick auf Merkel und ihre französischen und kanadischen Amtskollegen Macron und Trudeau.

Remember This Guy?

Martin Schmidt? Or was it Meier? Müller? … Schlitz?

Schulz

Anyway, he’s back again or something. For a few seconds. Now that his fifteen minutes are up, I mean.

He and his comrades over at the SPD are mad as hell at US-Amerika‘s new Ambassador, Richard Grenell, because of, well, “perceived breaches of diplomatic etiquette” (how diplomatic).

He said in a recent Breitbart interview, for instance (Breitbart is a German news service, Breitbart meaning “wide beard” in our language), that he wanted to empower conservative forces throughout Europe. I know, right? And then he did this and then he said that and yada, yada, yada and now everyone on the left (and that’s a whole lot over here) is completely outraged because, well, it’s a slow news day/week/month so it’s time to call for somebody to fire his red, white and blue ass. If it wasn’t for outrage they wouldn’t have no rage at all.

“I think there is a groundswell of conservative policies that are taking hold because of the failed policies of the left.”

“Ich hoffe, dass der Kurz-Besuch zu einem Kurz-Aufenthalt von Herrn Grenell in seiner Funktion als Botschafter in Deutschland führt.”

Coming This Fall?

The Fall of the German Empire.

Empire

The third German empire is a different animal altogether. Repudiating both militarism and racist mysticism, it has been built slowly and painstakingly across three generations, in cooperation with other powers (including its old enemies the French), using a mix of democratic and bureaucratic means. Today Germany bestrides its Continent, but German power is wielded softly, indirectly, implicitly — and when the fist is required, it takes the form of fiscal ultimatums, not military bluster or racial irredentism.

But still the system is effectively imperial in many ways, with power brokers in Berlin and Brussels wielding not-exactly-democratic authority over a polyglot, multiethnic, multireligious sprawl of semi-sovereign nation-states. And thinking about the European Union this way, as a Germanic empire as well as a liberal-cosmopolitan project, is a helpful way of understanding how it might ultimately fall…

Sounds great. Stay tuned or something. Netflix, right?