37-0

At least it was a socially distanced defeat.

Coronavirus: German team socially distances by fielding seven players, beaten 37-0 – German lower-league side SG Ripdorf/Molzen II suffered a 37-0 defeat on Sunday after only fielding seven players in a bid to maintain social distancing against their opponents as they feared contracting the coronavirus.

Warning: Nationwide Warning System Doesn’t Work

No sirens sounded all throughout Germany yesterday as the country conducted its first nationwide emergency warning system test since 1990.

Warning

Nor did the apps that were supposed to send alerts to people’s phones during the test function.

An anonymous spokesman for the German government was satisfied with the reuslts, however. “Let this be a warning to us all,” he said.

One Twitter user added: “Anyone who didn’t hear any sirens will receive a warning signal by fax or mail in the next 14 days.”

 

German Dogs Will Soon Be Forced To Take Better Care Of Their Owners

Dog owners are not just cuddly toys, mutts. They also have their own needs.

Dog

New Law Proposed in Germany Demands Dog Owners Take Pets on an Hour-Long Walk Twice a Day.

I’ve been told that another new proposed law would force German dogs to teach their owners to roll over and play dead every time the government asks them to but the political opposition insists that this would be unnecessary government intervention as this has already long been the case.

“They’ll be telling cat owners how often they need to change their litter trays next.”

German Of The Day: Zigeunersauce

You may think that the rest of the world hates us, my fellow Americans – and indeed they do – but they also blindly copy anything and everything braindead we do.

Sauce

Take Zigeunersauce, for instance. That means “Gypsy sauce.” And because the word Gypsy, like the names Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima and yada, yada you get where I’m going with this, is one of those names we do not speak unless we are racists, it can no longer be used as a product name here in good-old Germany. The firm Knorr will now be calling their racist Gypsy sauce Hungarian-Style Bell Pepper Sauce instead.

“Same great taste, half the racism!”

In ein paar Wochen finden Sie diese als „Paprikasauce Ungarische Art“ im Regal.

 

Germany Tired Of Being Admired

“China and Russia vying for second” pretty much sums this “global” poll up, people.

Germany

With runners-up like that who needs first place?

Germany by far most admired country, with US, China and Russia vying for second – global poll – Annual Gallup survey casts doubt on Mike Pompeo’s claim that the US is ‘perfectly positioned’ to lead the free world in rivalry with China

I’ve been with 1000’s of men
Again and again
They sing the same tune
They start with Byron and Shelley
And jump on your belly
And bust your ballon

Aye!
Tired, tired of playing the game
Ain’t it a freakin’ shame
I’m so…
Let’s face it everything below the waist is kaput!

Cows Step On Somebody In Germany

Finally, some good news! A “cow-trampling drama” has taken place.

Cows

If Sommerloch items like this are finally getting reported again then the Corona Panic must be just about over with and we are rapidly returning to normalcy.

Germany: Cow-trampling drama leaves hiker severely injured – A 67-year-old German man has received serious injuries after he was trampled by cows while hiking in Saarland. Police say he was out hiking with his dog when he was knocked to the ground by a herd of cattle.

A warning sign has been placed there, pointing out the dangers of cows and urging hikers to avoid the pasture if there are animals on it.

German Of The Day: Mohr

That means Moor. As in Moor wacky BLM bullshit.

Mohr

Moors were “the Muslim inhabitants of the Maghreb, the Iberian Peninsula, Sicily, and Malta during the Middle Ages. The Moors initially were the indigenous Maghrebine Berbers. The name was later also applied to Arabs.”

They were also black. You know, dark-skinned people? Or at least that is what the word Mohr is associated with in German. This, of course, has now led to a great big giant world-shaking problem in Berlin. Yawn.

What’s in a name? Berlin wrestles with past in metro station row – Transit authority to rename slavery-linked Mohrenstrasse after AN ANTISEMITIC RUSSIAN COMPOSER.

Get it? Me neither.

Some historians dispute the street name’s origins and argue the word Mohr is merely old-fashioned rather than derogatory.

That Would Be A Great Step Forward

America’s relationship with Germany may never be the same again, Berlin warns.

Germany

Defense spending, a brewing trade war between the U.S. and Europe and the threat of U.S. tariffs on German car exports are all bones of contention, as well as the mega gas pipeline Nord Stream 2 (a German-Russian project) and, most recently, the Group of Seven (G-7) alliance and the U.S.’ decision to withdraw troops from Germany.

The Germans don’t want to cooperate, not in any of these areas and they’re playing the victim by putting all the blame on Dr. Evil. It’s  a pretty easy tactic to see through and its been quite successful up until now. They got themselves into this mess, however. Germans always want an Extrawurst (an extra sausage, something for nothing). Trump sees this and is pointing the finger in the right direction. The Germans know that he sees this and they don’t like having been caught.

“We’re protecting Germany and they’re delinquent. That doesn’t make sense.”

How To Avoid Getting Scolded By A German?

That’s easy. Practice very aggressive social distancing. You know. Like, move to France?

Scold

Have you ever walked on the bicycle lane? Put a refundable bottle into a regular bin? Asked a bus driver how much the ride costs? In Germany, these beginners’ mistakes might earn you a good scold. Here’s how to avoid it…

“The point is not whether they are right or not, it’s that anyone here thinks they’re allowed to educate you.”

German Oddity 177. Germany is what you might call a correcting culture. It is not uncommon for perfect strangers to publically reprimand you here if you do not abide by what is considered the societal norm. Newcomers are usually shocked when discovering that others have no qualms about telling you that you’re doing something wrong, as if you were a small child. If they don’t tell you outright there will at least be a display of disapproving headshaking.

Nobody Escapes From A German Jail

Because nobody wants to.

Jail

It’s like a nice hotel stay and they’ll kick you out long before your sentence is over anyway. We’ll be hearing from this guy soon again, I’m sure.

Medellín cartel co-founder transferred to Germany after prison sentence – Carlos Lehder Rivas ran Medellín cartel alongside Pablo Escobar that smuggled cocaine worth billions to the US in 1970s and 80s.