Happy Potato Day

Just in case you didn’t know, Germans have this thing with patatoes. That’s why a group of German agi-taters lobbied to make August 19 Potato Day.

Potato

I guess that makes the rest of us speck-taters.

Not that I’m complaining or anything, I’m just a commen-tater, folks.

The Germans’ insatiable love affair with potatoes – They were once guarded by the king and are sometimes eaten with apple sauce. For Potato Day on August 19, here are some things you maybe didn’t know about potatoes in Germany…

By the way, how can you tell how fast a German potato is going? Check its spud-ometer.

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Other Folks Are Making Money With Greta?

Or on her? Off her? Greta HERSELF? How, how… How could anybody be surprised by this?

Greta

They used to call them hipsters. Now they call them hypsters. This stuff is hilarious.

In the meantime Greta Thunberg has the schedule of a supermodel: Press conferences, photo shootings, interviews, speeches in parliaments and appearances at demonstrations alternate at an ever faster rate… Greta Thunberg hat mittlerweile den Terminplan eines Supermodels und Spitzenpolitikers; Pressekonferenzen, Foto-Shootings, Interviews, Parlamentsreden und Demonstrationsauftritte wechseln sich immer hektischer ab.

The sailing yacht passage is also getting harsh criticism because it is one of the most expensive racing yachts in the world, its “Team Malizia” stems from the tax haven of Monaco, the ship belongs to an ominous real estate millionaire from Stuttgart and Greta is being unnecessarily exposed to storm hazards in the Atlantic… Auch die Segeljachtfahrt wird vielfach kritisch kommentiert, weil es sich um eine der teuersten Rennjachten der Welt handelt, weil ihr “Team Malizia” aus Monaco stammt und also aus einem Steuerparadies, weil das Schiff einem ominösen Stuttgarter Immobilienmillionär gehört, weil man Greta unnötig in atlantische Sturmgefahren begibt.

And this is why the public is beginning to doubt the motives of Greta’s backers. Is she possibly the coldly staged product of cleaver marketing strategists who only want to make a profit from the media hype? So wachsen im Publikum die Zweifel über die Motive von Gretas Hintermännern. Ist sie womöglich ein kalt inszeniertes Produkt cleverer Marketingstrategen, die Profit aus dem medialen Hype schlagen wollen?

The “We don’t have time” cooperation is now under suspicion. The company was founded by the successful Swedish public relations manager and stock market specialist Ingmar Rentzhog in 2017. His self-assured goal: To establish the “worldwide largest social network for climate activism” and make as much money in the process as possible. Greta Thunberg was systematically targeted as the figurehead… Die Aktiensgesellschaft “We don’t have time” steht im Zwielicht. Das Unternehmen wurde von einem der erfolgreichsten PR-Manager und Börsenspezialisten Schwedens, Ingmar Rentzhog, 2017 gegründet. Sein selbstbewusstes Ziel: Das “weltweit größte soziale Netzwerk für Klimaaktion” zu schaffen und damit möglichst viel Geld zu verdienen. Als Galionsfigur wird Greta Thunberg dafür gezielt aufgebaut.

There is not conflict of interest between climate protection and making money.
Kein Interessenkonflikt zwischen Klimaschutz und Geldmachen.

Stay tuned or something.

Berlin’s First Driverless Bus Hits The Street…

Killing five.

Bus

Just kidding.

Berlin is already teeming with last-mile mobility options like shared bikes and e-scooters.

Now the city’s public transport company Berliner Verkehrsbetriebe (BVG) is set to add driverless buses to the mix, testing its first autonomous shuttles on a public road this month.

The BVG has been testing the self-driving bus, developed by French company EasyMile, in the confines of a campus for the past year. This month it will face real-world traffic conditions on a 600 metre stretch from an underground station in the north-western part of the capital.

OK, folks. The key term here is BVG (Berliner Verkehrsbetriebe), the city’s public transport company. The joke around town is that BVG actually stands for Bin Vorsichtshalber Gelaufen or “decided to walk, just in case.” They’re not terribly reliable here, you see.

Saving The Planet The Convenient Way

Lord knows that “saving the planet” from climate change is hard work.

Planet

That is why so many Germans are so “conscientious about the purchases they make, ride bikes and try to reduce their trash and carbon footprint.” They are also perfectly aware of the fact that they “can’t solve the problem on their own,” which us very, well, convenient but “they can force politicians and businesses to act,” which they do, if it isn’t all too inconvenient, that is.

And all of this gives them a good conscience, which is good. A good conscience one must have when one is riddled with guilt. A good conscience one must have when one is driving one’s expensive German non-electric automobile down the autobahn at excessive speeds, for example, or purchasing goods and products grown or manufactured on the other side of the planet being saved and flown in to Germany at dumping prices. A good conscience one must have when one simultaneously exports one’s plastic waste to the other side of the planet while flying off on vacation three times a year to culturally exchange with other cultures about the virtues of saving said planet.

Good conscience and convenience go hand in hand here, in other words. Here, too, Germany is a forerunner and we should look up to their shining example with admiration and humility.

“Sustainability is becoming a ‘quasi-religious’ promise of salvation.”

Mein Kampf-Karrenbauer

I mean Mein Kramp-Karrenbauer, of course. But she is a Kampf-Karrenbauer now, you know.

AKK

Or you can just call her AKK, if you prefer, although that sounds like a machine gun, too. Or just call her Mini-Merkel if you like that better (that’s her official unofficial designation). But I dunno. Mini-Merkel just doesn’t have the punch a defense minister needs to have with his name, don’t you think? Especially when it’s a she. Again. It just doesn’t exude any shock and awe. Well, shock, maybe, but nothing this government does can awe me anymore.

Merkel protege AKK given defence job seen as poisoned chalice – Annegret Kramp-Karrenbauer succeeds new EU commission president Ursula von der Leyen as German defence minister.

Angela Merkel’s favoured successor as chancellor has been appointed Germany’s new defence minister in an unexpected and potentially risky move after Ursula von der Leyen’s confirmation as European commission president…

The job of defence minister is widely seen as a poisoned chalice. Germany’s armed forces, which critics maintain have long been chronically underfunded, are consistently accused of inefficiency and of having inadequate or defective equipment.

“The World Is Crying For More Europe”

That’s odd. I live here and I can’t here a damned thing.

Ursula

Ursula von der Leyen asks MEPs to back her as first female European commission president- Ursula von der Leyen has championed gender equality in her appeal to MEPs to back her as the first female president of the European commission, telling the European parliament: “We represent half of our population. We want our fair share.”

In a related matter, please take part in this important survey.

“Die Welt schreit nach mehr Europa.”

The Perfect Choice

This woman  has been in charge of the German Bundeswehr for what feels like decades and has accomplished absolutely nothing other than to stumble from one self-inflicted scandal to the other without ever having to face the consequences because, being one of Angela Merkel’s top girls (and therefore being more equal than the other girls), she is simply too good and too big to fail.

Leyen

That is why she is the ideal choice to head the European Commission. Un-freakin’-believable.

Germany’s Ursula von der Leyen nominated to lead EU Commission – EU leaders have put forward their nominations for the bloc’s top jobs, with a woman for the first time proposed as European Commission chief.

The surprise choice of German Defence Minister Ursula von der Leyen to replace Jean-Claude Juncker came after the main front-runners were rejected.

“Von der Leyen is a very good candidate and a very good choice to head the European Commission. Her capacities and competences totally qualified her.”

You Didn’t Sit While Peeing!

And I warned you twice, Hermann. Now I’m gonna beat you black and blue.

Hurt

After millennia of callous neglect, Germany is finally prepared to address the scandalous issue of domestic violence against German men. And addressing it, as if it actually existed, is precisely what makes this all so scandalous. Talk about wussies, sheesh. Beam me up pronto, Scottie. It’s a freakin’ nuthouse here.

For the first time ever, two German states are launching an initiative to help male victims of domestic violence. Officials in Bavaria and North Rhine-Westphalia say they want to break the taboos surrounding the topic.

A three-pillar program to help men suffering from domestic violence was unveiled by the German states of Bavaria and North Rhine-Westphalia (NRW) on Tuesday.

The first pillar of the initiative would include a hotline and an online counseling platform for victims. The second pillar would see constructions of safe houses and counseling centers. Finally, the authorities aim to make the subject of violence against men “visible” and “break the taboo” surrounding it.

“Until now, there was hardly any help or support structures. There are possibilities to cooperate across state borders, most of all in creating a hotline and in the area of online counseling.”

We’re Not Worthy!

Actually, we’re too worthy – and that’s the problem.

Rich

If they think their ranking on rich lists is too low, American tycoons fume. German ones kick up a fuss when theirs looks suspiciously high, explains Heinz Dürr. When a magazine called him a billionaire a few years ago, Mr Dürr rang the editor to remonstrate. The reporters had double-counted his ownership of Homag, a maker of wood-processing machines that Dürr, his family’s mechanical-engineering firm, bought in 2014. Plutocrats have reached the top of politics in America and Italy, while in Asia the super-rich often display their wealth in ostentatious style. Germany’s magnates love to shun the limelight.

Which reminds me of German oddities 302 and 25.

German 302. Germans have a big Neid (envy) problem. They are perfectly aware of this and often complain that they live in a Neidgesellschaft (envy society) but keep turning green with envy all the same. One comedian claims that Germany is the only country in the world where the need for envy is stronger than the sex drive.

German Oddity 25. When Americans refer to something as being “typically American” they generally mean this in a positive way. When Germans refer to something as being “typically German” they generally mean this in a negative way.

Siggi Has A Blackout

Clearly still under shock after his party’s latest crisis, the SPD’s ex-boss Gabriel just accidentally praised Donald Trump.

Siggy

Needless to say he was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital and is currently under observation – and very strong medication.

German center-left SPD’s ex-leader Gabriel gives Trump praise – The US president is right to criticize China and to negotiate with North Korea, according to left-of-center former Foreign Minister Sigmar Gabriel. Gabriel also warned against seeing Trump voters as “dummies.”

“His criticism of China is justified, and so is his courage to negotiate with North Korea. And he is also right when he calls on Germany and Europe to get their terror-supporting citizens out of Syria and Iraq and put them on trial, instead of letting the Kurds deal with it.”