Order Now While The Supply Lasts Or Something

Brain Quest – A Fantastic Voyage through the Progressive Mind. Out now!

Brain Quest

“Other than a slight run-in with an errant gang of deviant subculture corpuscles our passage through the blameless victim ventricle proved to be rather uneventful.”

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Brain Quest: A Fantastic Voyage through the Progressive Mind

Available on December 26, 2017! Reserve your copy today for $0.99 and get a huge discount off the regular price. Pre-order now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Smashwords and other select retailers.

Brain Quest

Mission Nemo simply must succeed. If the crew of the Super Small Miniaturized Nano-like Operations Wessel S. S. Minnow fails to destroy the inoperable anti-capitalist coagulum lodged in Maurice Moore’s progressive brain, how will General De Klein’s Federal Department of Antidotes operatives at SUCFACE Mission Control find out if Leftylometazoline (aka LeftX) really works? Would this usher in the final stage of the liberal clerisy’s clandestine collectivist conspiracy to abolish our few remaining individual freedoms forever? That would not please President Thump one microscopic little bit.

Join Major Miles Stone and his disturbingly alluring crew on their miniaturized mission through the left and lefter hemispheres of the progressive brain. Their fantastic voyage is a race against time that takes them through such redoubtable regions as the Clinton Vortex, the Che Guevara Gray Area and the Obama Trauma Center itself. Here they bravely confront such anatomical monstrosities as the fantasist frontalis, the hyperbolthalamus and the dreaded pious aspiration node. Their progressive brain journey only gets progressively worse as they are repeatedly attacked by repulsive swarms of nanny neurons, doomsday dendrons, robin hoodlums and the formidable radical egalitarian bacterium. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, and their deadly arsenal of passing phasers, millennial mindset missiles, moral busybody antibodies and Condescendium®, the Minnow would be lost. The Minnow would be lost.

The tension never stops building during this thrilling tale of adventure, danger, suspense and romance. And lust. Will Captain Hanna Grenada’s irresistible animal magnetism finally seduce the Major into experiencing something vaguely resembling basic human emotion? Can the all too communicative HAL 9999 super computer and his annoying eye drones really be trusted to operate the ship? And will the Minnow’s political corrector deflectors and smug shields hold, allowing Stone and his crew to reach their target and ignite the liberal bombast bomb in time? I could tell you but that would ruin the suspense.

Not your everyday dystopian science-fiction erotic horror political thriller, this bombastic bombshell of a book knows no shame when it comes to overwhelming you with its serious silliness, wanton wackiness and forthright, flat-out farce. Purchase it now before it is too late or something. Soon to be made into a major motion picture. Or maybe it has been already. There is also time travel involved here, after all.

Berlin Face Recognition Technology Severely Flawed

Immediately after launching their six-month test of automatic facial recognition technology at Berlin’s Südkreuz railway station, a number of the German authorities responsible have already expressed their bitter disappointment with the initial results.

Face

It seems that the face recognition software being used – programmed here in Berlin – is only capable of recognizing frowning faces and security officials involved with the project fear that the new system will not be able to recognize any cheerful, smiling terrorists who attempt to murder and maim us in the future.

“This is German software, after all,” grumbled one frowning security official, refusing to give his name for security reasons. “Now wipe that stupid grin off your face and leave me the hell alone.”

Heute ist es soweit: Die umstrittene Testphase zur Gesichtserkennung am Bahnhof Südkreuz beginnt. 300 Freiwillige haben sich gemeldet.

Suspicious Object Found At SPD Headquarters

And it wasn’t the Schulz effect, either.

Stegner

German police gave an all-clear on Monday at the headquarters of the Social Democratic Party (SPD) in Berlin after it was evacuated due to a suspicious object found in the mail room.

The object, being the face and attached body of SPD federal chairman and state chairman of Schleswig-Holstein Ralf Stegner (aka “the face of defeat”), was found loitering around the mail room, mumbling incoherently (even though there were no microphones in sight), apparently having been looking for fan mail. For hours and hours and hours on end, I assume.

“There was nothing found on Stegner that could have been termed dangerous,” a police spokesman later said as his colleagues led Stegner back outside to put him on a FlixBus to Kiel. “Other than that face, I mean.”

Can I Have My False Pleasantries Back?

German facial expression of the day: Staring.

Stare

Oddity 34. You know you are in Germany when you regularly find yourself being stared at for no clearly discernible reason. I don’t know if Germans necessarily like to stare but they sure do it a lot.  A nice term a friend of mine prefers using is “unfiltered curiosity” but it’s staring all the same.

But it’s a wonderful trait: Firstly, you know the person is listening intently (they really are); secondly, since it’s very difficult to look someone in the eyes and speak coherently and come up with pleasant little white lies, the false pleasantries vanish and the conversation becomes honest and true – leading toward a final deep dive into the other’s soul.

Is That All You Could Find?

501 German oddities?

Dog

I know, I know. There are way more than that. Just consider these 501 oddities to be, you know, Oddities 101 or something.

“Hermann, thank you for your blog and books, I am hooked. I recently picked up 501 German Oddities and couldn’t stop laughing. I am German, but live in Boston with my husband, who is from the area and grew up here. We cracked up so many times and just had a blast reading your book. It was actually eye opening at times to the both of us and explained some “odd” behaviors of mine to him. Super grateful for the book and can’t wait to see more blog entries. All the best, Marina.”

Limited time ebook offer or something, folks. Also available at Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, etc.

The Man In The White Castle

Frightened by unsubstantiated fake news reports that US-Amerika‘s president has turned the place into an alternative history (alternative fact history?) horror-land run in part by their creepy grandparents, German vacationers are staying away in droves.

Castle

Almost half of Germans with an interest in traveling to the U.S. won’t do so now because they feel unwelcome or don’t want to endorse President Donald Trump.

About 46 percent of Germans who would like to visit the U.S. “in principle” have changed their views on that destination since Trump took office and won’t travel there as a result, according to a survey by GfK SE published in travel-industry magazine fvw.

My German Is More Dumber Than Your German Is

It’s 99 cent blowout ebook sale time again! Like how outrageous is that?

Dumb

Dumb Deutsch: Absurd German Language Errors (auch für deutsche Leser geeignet)

Also available at iTunes, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, etc. For a limited time only or something.*

“Very funny book, relating dumb things people say while trying out their high school German. Laughing so hard at my normally quiet workplace I had tears in my eyes, my boss walked by and asked if I was OK. Oh yeah! She has a great sense of humor with an eye toward languages. Buy this book and laugh yourself silly!”

Kilgore Trout

* I’d give this ebook away for free but then you wouldn’t read it and that would be irresponsible so I won’t.

Germany To Take Over Leadership Of The Western World

This is one of the best satires I have read in a long, long time.*

America

One-Hundred Years of Fear – America Has Abdicated Its Leadership of the West

For 100 years, the United States was the leader of the free world. With the election of Donald Trump, America has now abdicated that role. It is time for Europe, and Angela Merkel, to step into the void…

The leaders of the West, minus America, face monumental tasks ahead. They are tasks for German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

* This is a satire, right?