Don’t read this, you might not get it

January 23, 2009 By in History Tags: 2 Comments

No, not this, you’re bound to get this. I mean this here:

 

Hot off the press!

 

Apparently worried that the reprinting of an annotated Nazi newspaper might be taken the wrong way and that the unsuspecting Germans reading it might start goose-stepping uncontrollably all over themselves again, Bavarian authorities are dutifully doing their Vorsorge (prevention) and Bevormundung (paternalism) thing and tying to get the injurious and destructive not to mention nasty little peace of politically incorrect history removed from the newsstands ASAP. 

 

Admittedly, 1933 wasn’t the best of years in Germany and the Reichstag fire wasn’t one of the most cheerful turning points in German history, but we are living now in the year of our Operation Walküre 2009 for crying out loud, people. You can handle it, honest. Alles wird gut (everything will be OK), OK?

 

“The paper – the Völkischer Beobachter (People’s Observer), dated March 1 1933 – is the second of a series of Nazi-era newspapers republished in annotated facsimiles by British publisher Peter McGee, who intends to reprint papers up until 1945.”

Too dangerous

January 22, 2009 By in Hypocrisy Tags: 1 Comment

Huh? I’m confused (again). I thought Guantanamo was supposed to be closed because of its sensibility offending lack of niceness and goodness and that innocence until proven guilty thing we all cherish and all that. But now that these victimized, brutalized prisoner types will finally be released (free at last!), how come nobody’s standing in line to welcome them back home again? Or at least to welcome them back home to home away from home, I mean.

 

 Guantanamese go home!

 

Germany sure isn’t welcoming any of them. Just ask their top politicians. Otherwise despised by a huge number of distrustful German souls (and needless to say there are a whole bunch of those) for being some new hybrid form of Big Brother Himself, German Interior Minister Wolfgang Schaeuble has gotten right to the heart of the matter and spoken from the collective heart of his German countrymen brothers (and sisters) by announcing that he sees no reason why Germany should provide sanctuary to people who are too dangerous for the United States.

 

Being the world famous humanitarians that they are, however, the Germans can’t just say no outright. That is why, as always, they will be seeking an “international solution” to this problem, or at least a European one, which sounds even more, well, European, albeit international. This inevitably means that somebody else other than Germany gets stuck with the problem, you see. But they can still claim to have participated in the solution, get it?

 

That’s why a spokesman for the government has announced that Germany has not “fully defined its position” yet.  But why should they even go to the trouble? It’s already very clear what their position is now.

 

“He did not see an imminent threat from the Guantanamo detainees.”

Saving on vacation?

January 21, 2009 By in Heconomy Tags: Leave a comment

From the folks here at vacation nation? I have my doubts, really. I mean, I’m doing my best to deny what’s going on out there as well as the rest of you out there are. I’m really trying to pretend that this financial crisis thing won’t be the financial crisis thing that we are being led to believe it is. But, well, when Germans start saying that they are ready to begin skimping on vacations, that’s when the alarm bells start going off with me.

  

 The cheaper the better.

 

Perennial vacation masters of the world, word is out that “vacation travel cannot escape the economic crisis”, not even German vacation travel, and a survey now indicates that Germans themselves may actually be prepared to spend even less money than they already do when it comes to escaping their country for a few weeks several times each year. Some are even said to be prepared to consider maybe even to start perhaps thinking about maybe spending part of their vacation time, gulp, here. That’s right, here, as in Germany. We’re talking crisis now, people.

 

So now one of the few options left open for many a panicked German vacationer is to go vacationing in REALLY Billigländer (el cheapo countries) like the US of A, or US-Amerika if you prefer. This has something to do with the strong euro or the weak dollar or something, I forget (it’s not the yen, though).

 

And if you look carefully at that picture of New York up there, really carefully, you can see a few of them there Germans right now. No, not there, more towards Fifth Avenue. Higher, up there, that group bargaining with the hot dog vendor.

 

„Doch der heilige Haupturlaub ist noch nicht bedroht.“

Angie already gladly giving Obama her best wishes

January 20, 2009 By in Habitudes Tags: 3 Comments

So here’s my wish list, Mr. President (I know it’ll be a few more hours yet before you’re sworn in, but first come first serve):

 

 Now hold on to your Pferde there, lady.

 

1) It’s time to enter a new era of international cooperation. Translated from German that means the old era of international cooperation was much too anstrengend (too much work) for us already, we want to say even more now and do even less than we have in the past.

 

2) No one land can solve all the world’s problems by itself. In your language this means of course that no one weak country can. But several weak countries, all pulling together, can keep a stronger one from trying to do so.

 

3) The era of Alleingänge (unilateral actions) is over. In English: The era of your unilateral actions is over. If we pull a few like we regularly do here and there that’s different because we are weak and small (see points 1 and 2) and therefore that’s OK.

 

4) Whatever you do, do not enter into another new era of protectionism. Translated from German that means something like please keep buying our cars because nobody here wants them anymore.

 

5) I have a whole lot more of these for you of course but this is your first day at work and I don’t want to come over as being too demanding or pushy or anything, not right just yet anyway.

 

„Sie hoffe, dass die zukünftige Zusammenarbeit mit den USA von gegenseitigem Zuhören geprägt werde.“

The next rescue package just arrived

January 19, 2009 By in Hate Tags: 1 Comment

Rescue packages being in these days, even al-Qaida  is getting into the picture, at least in Germany. Some guy calling himself Abu Talha the German, whose wish has been “to blow myself up for Allah since 1993″, has introduced his own plan to save the German economy or “forces”, as he puts it, in Afghanistan, of course.

 

 

 

 

“We believe the video is authentic,” said a spokesman for Germany‘s Federal Criminal Police Office. “Although we’re not so sure about the dubbing part.”

 

 Man kann sich vor Rettungspaketen kaum noch retten.

Are you Putin me on?

January 18, 2009 By in Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: 2 Comments

So what do Germans do when their gas reserves are “unusually” low this winter because of the Russian cut-off of gas shipments through Ukraine? They do what anybody would do if they were in their position, and German. They give Vladimir Putin himself (some call him Gasputin, get it?) an 18-carat gold award entitled Saxony’s Order of Gratitude.

 

 Gasputin gonna gettcha!

 

Surprisingly though, the award, a gold carving of St George on horseback, has stirred some hurt feelings here and there because, well, it was also issued in Dresden, the place where Putin spent five years as a Soviet secret police officer back in the 1980s. Gasputin, who personally ordered the stoppage of Russian gas supplies to Europe last week, could not be reached for comment because of he didn’t want to be.

 

Germany is Gazprom’s biggest customer by far, by the way, and, unlike most of the other countries of central and south-eastern Europe, it continues to receive Russian gas via pipelines in the north that do not go through Ukraine. So if you think about it, there really is a lot to be thankful for, I guess.

 

I don’t make this stuff up people. I swear I don’t.

 

The award is supposed to be conferred on outstanding individuals who engage courageously for the present and future of Saxony and Germany.

Yes we can but no we just can’t wait!

January 16, 2009 By in Hysteria Tags: 2 Comments

Germans are like just soo aus dem Häuschen (in a tizzy) about the new President who of course isn’t just quite the new President right yet that they have already placed his graven image in Madame Tussauds (Unter den Linden, versteht sich) and are taking turns stroking “it” profusely. Well at least this one reporter lady here seems to be getting sore wrists.

 

Here’s the before shot. 

 This is me before I got waxed.

 Here’s the after one. 

 This is me, uh, too.

 

The after shots are always better, you know. She’s the one on the left, by the way. Uhmm, I’m no expert on anatomy or anything, but isn’t the guy on the second shot more of a cross between that shark dude on Saving Nemo and O.J. Simpson? I mean of course the “old” O.J., O.K.? I shouldn’t moan, I guess. It’s not very easy doing likenesses. Especially at places like this.

 

“Ich gehe näher ran, lege den Arm um seine Hüften, wie damals.”

I quit sort of!

January 15, 2009 By in Heconomy Tags: 1 Comment

Known for never ever giving up no matter what or at least not until the Frührente comes in, Germans everywhere were shocked to discover yesterday that the other Germans everywhere all around them have just as lousy an attitude about work as they do. At least when it comes to “motivation” they do, whatever that is.

Help me man, I'm sick.

 According to the latest Gallup poll, and there’s always a latest Gallup poll, nearly 90 percent of German employees asked don’t feel any particular obligation to the company they work for. The “Engagement Index 2008” indicates that only about 13 percent of those employed are still highly motivated whereas 67 percent prefer the tried and true Dienst nach Vorschrift (working to the rule, the minimum and no more) employee model. Every fifth German has already “quit inside”, although physically still present at work, in a way. Damn. Could this be a variation of what the Germans used to call “internal exile” during World War II, only different? Some things never change, I guess.

 

This phenomenon presents problems for companies we are told (duh). Less motivated employees tend to call in sick more often and, heaven forbid, even leave the company for another company where they can call in sick at. Unfortunately, with times being what they are, there aren’t that many companies willing or even able to hire these poorly motivated types anymore so they have to stay put and it’s just a vicious circle I tell you and very demotivating which does very little in terms of motivation.

 

And the real Hammer (doozie)? Experts say it actually makes no difference whether the economy is booming or in decline, it appears that Germans don’t like their work because they don’t like who they are working for. They don’t like working for other Germans, in other words. They’re not motivated enough or something, I guess.

 

 „Die geringe emotionale Bindung der Arbeitnehmer in Deutschland ist nicht neu. Bereits seit Jahren seien die schlechten Werte stabil.“