I can’t take it anymore, I confess!

He can’t take the German justice system anymore, he means. Talk about your cruel and unusual punishment. Apparently bored to tears by a high-profile and highly-pedantic terror trial concerning himself and two other high-profile though less pedantic terrorist suspects, Turkish national Adem Yilmaz of the Sauerland Cell or of the Sauerland Three or of the Dave Clark Five or of the whatever the hell it is you want to call them this week has thrown in the towel or the head wrap or whatever the hell it is you call those things he’s wearing and will confess to anything the Germans want him to just please make them stop trying him now for the love of Allah make them stop now, please.

Get me outta here, man!

His lawyer says he is not capable of bearing the process anymore. And she should know because she’s a German process lawyer type and sees this kind of thing all the time. Nor does her client want the troublesome trial to interfere with the upcoming Ramadan celebrations scheduled for, uh, Ramadan, in August.

“I couldn’t care less what you give me, whether it’s 20 or 30 years,” the anguished German-Turk Turk-German told the judge. “I just want all this to be done with, it is boring.”

„Mein Mandant hat keine Lust mehr auf das Verfahren.“

The wolves are back! Let’s shoot them!

Remember Bruno the Bear? Hunters in northern Germany are still pissed off about not having had a chance to take a shot at him, down south. So I guess that’s why they’ve begun knocking off the wolves up north.

Who you dancing with now?

Famous for their greenish, back-to-nature attitudes, Germans nevertheless detest disorder of any kind and German hunters appear to be the worst about this kind of thing. These wolves aren’t supposed to be here, you see. They came in illegally over the Polish border a while back and have been, well, breeding like rats ever since. It’s time to take action or something.

You know, like that scene in the Kevin Costner movie? It’s the Wild West all over again over here, only it’s in the Wild East this time.

“Es gibt Grund zu der Vermutung, dass der Jäger wusste, worauf er schoss.”

All dressed up with nowhere to go

After the latest decimation of German Social Democracy as we (which means you) know (or knew) it, SPD chancellor candidate Frank-Walter Steinmeier made a pretty sorry showing on the German TV politico-talk show Anne Will last night. He looked so, well, so lonely.

Frank's my name, becoming chancellor is my game.

Yesterday’s EU election slug fest (in more ways than one) left the German SPD at a heart-warming all-time low of 20.8 percent of the vote. And so what if only 43% of the Europe-weary electorate even bothered to turn up? It’s the thought that counts.

Mr. Steinmeier must certainly being doing a lot of thinking about things these days at any rate. Things like: What was I thinking of or how did I get here or how the hell do I get out of here again? You know, thoughts like that.

„Ich bin Kanzlerkandidat der SPD, der Kanzler werden will.“

Yawn, another EU election

It’s Denkzettel (I’ll teach you) time in Germany again. 736 seats in the European parliament are up for grabs today and nobody really much cares here, or much understands it.

I got your vote for ya right here!

Well, that’s not quite true. Possibly 50 percent of eligible voters are expected to vote throughout Europe today. But those who do vote won’t be voting for parliamentarians so much as voting against the various political parties they’re pissed off at within their own respective countries. Now that’s democracy or something.

„In vielen Ländern dürften unzufriedene Wähler den Urnengang nutzen, um ihrer jeweiligen Regierung einen Denkzettel zu verpassen.“

Just passing through

No need for holding substantial talks here in Germany. There doesn’t appear to be anything of much substance to talk about. President Obama will be leaving Germany out of the loop (once again?) as he performs his polite and perfunctory visit here on his way to and from the real world this week.

Freunde für immer schon wieder.

What do Washington and Berlin not have in common? Let me count the ways: Personalities at the top that don’t seem to jive with one another, for one thing. Merkel is considered to be a bit difficult in the White House, this probably beginning with her refusal to let Senator Obama turn the Brandenburg Gate into his own private presidential election campaign venue last year.

Then (before his inauguration), Germany made it clear that there will be no additional German military support going to Afghanistan, leaving it up the US to dispatch an additional 21,000 soldiers there – nor will Germany even begin to think about heading south to do some fighting with the troops there they already have.

Then there is Germany’s lack of good will when it comes to the closing of that dreadful awful horrible Guantanamo place (a major German demand for years now), its refusal to accept Guantanamo prisoners in Germany, that is.

Then there’s what many see as Merkel’s big failure in the early stages of the financial crisis, unwilling to take coordinated measures against what was preferred to be seen here as a strictly American matter, only later to turn back around and support a European economic stimulus package doch (after all).

Then, of course, there is Merkel’s current coalition government election year show in which the partners now increasingly spend their time wasting everybody else’s time by going at each other’s throats in an increasingly theatrical manner (does that make her a German lame duck or something?).

Anyways, President Obama appears to have more pressing matters than to have to spend all too much time in Germany at the moment. But I’m sure he’ll be able to dish up a few friendly and flattering words for the Chancellor & Co. today. As long as it doesn’t take too long, I mean.

„Die Kanzlerin gilt in Washington als sperrig, außerdem scheinen die USA Deutschland im Moment nicht zu brauchen – das kann sich aber schon bald ändern.“

Now that’s entertainment

Nobody gets it up here, though (in the “West”). A German student being tried in Britain is said to have gone beyond lawful protest when he threw a shoe towards Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao during a lecture at Cambridge University. What a bunch of humorless sticks in the mud youz guyz.

The shoe must go on.

He just wanted to have a little fun and shake things up a little (just like somebody else wanted to do with some shoes recently somewhere some place but I can’t remember where). And the punch line: Following the arrest the student said that his action was legitimate given the crimes of the Chinese communist government. Damn I like this guy.

And I can’t wait for the next online throw-your-shoe-at-Wen-Jiabao game to come out, either.

“He was heard to say words to the effect that the university was prostituting themselves by allowing the Premier to speak and referred to the Premier as a dictator.”

Put the wheels back on again already

“It was never meant to be like this. A reunified Germany, at the heart of an expanding European Union and single currency, was supposed to offer a decent, stronger alternative to the “casino capitalism” that Germans have long thought of as represented by the US model that they love to hate.

When the credit crunch first broke in the autumn of 2007, bringing banks such as Northern Rock down almost immediately, the Germans allowed themselves a quiet chuckle of schadenfreude along the lines of “we told you so”.

But that was before the financial crisis swept through Germany’s banking system, which turned out to have had its tentacles deep into the sub-prime mortgage market in the United States. And it was before the collapse in world trade that Germany had previously depended on to drive its economy.”

“The Opel crisis is part of a much wider problem.”