Author Archives: Hermann Observer
Where was this stuff when we needed it?
Sure we still do, but still. Talk about a product that’s going to sell like hotcakes. A Munich research team has come up with a new drug which will combat panic attacks. It’s called XBD173 and stands for “eXtremely Beneficial Drug after 173 tries”, I think. Or maybe it means “eXtremely Buzzed Doctors after 173 tries”, hard to say for sure. Or how about “eXcellent Bitchin’ Dope, Dude”? Nah, that’s with two Ds.
Anyways, this stuff will supposedly take care of your panic attacks in no time (and don’t pretend like you don’t have any because we all know you do). It messes with nerve cell receptors, should you still have any, and prevents them from passing on critical Angst chemicals to other nerve cell receptors long dependent on the stuff, should you still have them, too (Angst is German for angst, by the way). Sure everybody will be going through a little cold turkey for a while. But this is science. So shut up and bite the bullet already.
Unfortunately though, it may take another ten years to get this product on the market. And that could be too late for some of us, like me. And just thinking about that puts me in a panic already.
„Die Pharmaindustrie unterstütze die Entwicklung.“
PS: Have you ever noticed that we live in an angst-driven economy/culture/world/life? This drug may not be a good thing after all, in other words. My suspicion: The usual suspect dark forces are actually behind this development. Think about it (OK, stop now you’ve thought about it enough). Maybe we should just say no…
Flashmob this!
Stübi only meant well. Well, maybe he didn’t mean well. Maybe he was just being a prick, but still. Kids will be kids or something.
After losing his job and his girlfriend, this guy in Hamburg (his friends call him Stübi) organized one of those newfangled impromptu flashmob get together thangs – on the German resort island of Sylt (just a couple hours up north by train). How should I put it? Some 5000 friends showed up.
Needless to say, folks on Sylt don’t flashmob. They just rake in the money from all the regular and über-regular folks who come to their rather overpriced island to vacation. They expect the appropriate attire and behavior and money, of course. The el cheapo student/backpack/beach tent types should stay down home in Hamburg or Berlin or wherever the hell it is they belong and take a long walk in the park or go to one of those artificial beach thingies instead.
Now everybody on Sylt is pissed off that this wild hoard of drunken punks could somehow have managed to breach their sandy island castle walls and wreak (reek?) havoc among their otherwise so peaceful and well-behaved guests. They want to sue Stübi, in other words, maybe the whole crew, damn it. But sue all 5000 of them? Hey, wait a minute. This could be a new source of revenue the Sylters hadn’t thought to tap into yet…
“Alle Mann zum Verwaltungsgericht, wir gewinnen den Prozess”.
More beer rations!
Soldiers like to bitch, I guess. But German soldiers seem to be pushing it a bit these days. Or at least that’s the impression their boss seems to have of them.
“We cannot guarantee soldiers that they will have an all-round feel-good experience,” Germany’s most senior officer General Wolfgang Schneiderhan has said about the German moaning when it comes to tours abroad.
No, they may not be able to guarantee it, but if you read about the unbearable conditions these guys have to live under “down there” in Afghanistan, for instance, it comes pretty close. Unbearable to read, I mean.
“We have to tell a professional soldier who complains about his third tour of overseas duty that he has to get a grip — this is his profession.”
Buy German – or Czech if you prefer
So much for my theory about this being a German car subsidy conspiracy plan. What a lemon, this German Abwrackprämie or cash-for-clunkers idea has turned out to be. If you work in the German car industry, that is.
The government stepped in as usual and helped everybody again and no force in the universe could stop them, as usual again. But this time it was the German government helping out the Czechs, unintentionally of course. I know this sounds complicated at first but that’s only because it actually isn’t.
Since Berlin has been shelling out 2,500 euros to anybody who trades in his or her old wreck for a new one, I mean a new car, Skoda’s production plants have been at full production, if you get my drift. Hyundai, Renault and other foreign plants have been profiting from the handout, too.
Hey, the government meant well. They always do. Now if one could only find out how to stop them from helping maybe things might finally start moving forward here.
“Since the end of March, we are in full production — five days a week, on three shifts.”
I could’ve been, I mean I am a contender!
Still pretending like he and his SPD comrades have a sliver of a glimmer of a smidgen of a shred or sniff of a prayer of a ghost of a chance of doing well in Germany’s upcoming parliamentary election, Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier is boldly going where no man in his position has never not gone before and taken the offensive by claiming that everything is wide open and that “we will keep it open and win in the end.”
Just how he plans to do this when only about 25 percent of Germans polled would even consider voting for the Social Democrats is not clear, but you have to admire him for doing the only thing left open for him to do. Actually you don’t have to, if you stop and think about it, but still.
„The party drew a record-low 20.8 percent of the vote in European parliamentary elections a week ago.“
Damn, we could’ve gone to Germany instead!
Andrea S.
Palau can show you how
As to be expected, Germany is now squirming with indecision (that means “no” in Germany, by the way) after the US has asked for the second time that it take in prisoners from Guantanamo.
The Germans say they need more details before they can make a decision (that means “hell no” in German, by the way). The Uighur Muslims in question here are wanted by China, you see, and the Germans wouldn’t ever want to offend China or anything because, well, that might hurt China’s feelings (that means “we’re only in it for the money” in German, by the way).
Meanwhile, Palau, a tiny little island country I had never heard of before, has expressed its willingness to help. The South Pacific atoll’s considerable resources will certainly come in handy here, as will its clear disregard for whatever China’s communist crowned heads might have to think about it.
“Obama, who said he aims to close Guantanamo by January next year, is struggling to find countries, particularly in Europe, willing to take released prisoners.”
New inflation worries in Germany
Like where to find it. There are worse things to worry about, I guess.
If you have to look at the bright side in Germany these days, and some folks just can’t help it, then maybe having a look at the German inflation rate might help you out. It’s the lowest it’s been in twenty years, at zero. Zero is pretty low, if you stop and think about it, so that’s a good thing, I think.
That’s right. Prices haven’t risen here in a year, on average, so-to-speak. Of course wages haven’t necessarily risen all that much either (for those still working), but still.
„Die Null-Inflation sorgt dafür, dass die Menschen trotz wachsender Ängste um ihren Arbeitsplatz oder die Sorge um die Staatsfinanzen ihre Kauflust bisher nicht verloren haben. Und der stabile Inlandskonsum ist derzeit die einzig verbliebene Konjunkturstütze.“
