Author Archives: Hermann Observer
Now all bets are off!
Pissed off about being sued by resentful pirates they had elegantly disposed of by dumping them off on clueless Kenyan officials, the Federal Republic of Germany is finally ready to blow its top and have its navy blow the next bunch of pirate punks it accidently runs into in the Gulf of Aden CLEAN out of the water. And they really truly mean it this time honest for real. Or at least they could mean it, maybe.
“There can only be one answer to pirate attacks like these; their ships must be destroyed on the high seas immediately,” said one furious German politician who has absolutely nichts zu melden (nothing to say in the matter) here. “The navy must finally start using its weaponry. Any further timidity would only make the German state look ridiculous.”
Well there we have it. We certainly wouldn’t want that. So get your popcorn a poppin’, people. This looks like war or something.
“Bei Piratenangriffen kann es nur eine richtige Antwort geben: Die Schiffe der Seeräuber müssen auf hoher See unverzüglich versenkt werden”, sagte Uhl. Die Marine müsse endlich ihre Bordwaffen einsetzen, mit weiterer Zaghaftigkeit “macht sich der deutsche Staat nur lächerlich”.
Pirates have rights, too
Or at least they think they do when they accidentally get caught by German naval personnel in the Gulf of Aden and then get dumped off in Kenya quicker than you can say “shiver me timbers” (the last things Germans want to do is open up their own private Guantanamo somewhere – where, on Sylt?).
These are smart pirates, see. They went out and got themselves a German Larry the Lawyer kinda guy who is now suing the German government for any damages and hardships his peg-legged clients may have incurred as a result of getting so rudely arrested und unceremoniously cast away like common criminals like that. And we can only begin to imagine just how considerable that sum is going to be. It will include “material and immaterial damages”, after all. They’re starting out with 10,000 euros, but everybody knows that that’s just chump change and that the blue Kenyan sky is the real limit.
„Jeder materielle und immaterielle Schaden, der meinem Mandanten durch die unrechtmäßige Überstellung an Kenia entsteht, muss erstattet werden.“
Mutant American corn verboten in Germany
Getting everything wrong yet again, and terrified this time at the prospect of a “General Motors” (GM) corn that spawns deadly corn boring moth larva who hunger for the taste of Central European human flesh, panicked Germans everywhere have band together and banned Monsanto’s MON 810 maize variety effective immediately if not sooner like yesterday already.
Claiming that the decision to ban the harmless vegetable was now based on new ultra-objective data acquired from even ultra-objectiver sources at Greenpeace Labs Incorporated, the decision was of course a purely scientific one and not political in any way, or at least that’s what some of the corn-fed politicians said, truly believing that they have once again prevented another clear and present danger to the German environment, whatever that is.
German Research Minister Annette Schavan regretted the decision, made by another minister within the same government by the way, saying that especially during times of economic turmoil Germany should not be too quick to say too no to future technologies and not be so closed-minded and stop jumping up and down screaming hysterically dressed in green like that all the time, but who cares what she thinks?
“Gerade in einer Wirtschaftskrise wie heute sollten wir uns nicht vorschnell von Zukunftstechnologien verabschieden, zu denen die Grüne Gentechnik zweifellos gehört.“
Bundeswehr to move north again
After yesterday’s devastating surprise Easter attack on Bundeswehr military vehicles in the southeastern German city of Dresden, German politicians have decided to move all remaining Bundeswehr forces to the more stable northern regions of the country.
Although under pressure by the NATO to station more German combat troops in southern Germany to help fight the German peacenik-led Easter insurgency there, officials maintained that such a risky military presence would simply not be politically viable at this time.
After Easter vacation, Chancellor Angela Merkel is expected to visit German troops stationed at an undisclosed location in the north, provided she can find them of course, and will stress Germany’s strong commitment to reconstruction efforts in that once war-torn country so very long, long, long ago.
“The official could not give details of her movements for security reasons but said she was not expected to travel to Kabul, or Kiel.”
Yankee bombs go home!
Talk about peace bis zum Umfallen (tell you drop). In a typical “yes we can, too” kind of unoriginal copycat statesman approach, German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier has played his obligatory Easter-time peace card by not so boldly calling for American Yankee nuclear weapons to be removed from Germany. But only after the head Yankee gave him the go ahead to do so, of course.
Not wanting to miss out on all the letting-there-be-peace festivities all those thousands or at least hundreds of other German peace activist types will be celebrating all across the country this weekend, Steinmeier, hoping to become the next Chancellor later this year, just couldn’t bring himself to take part in one of those cool sit-ins at at a US military base so he went for the more politically correct nuclear weapon ban thing instead.
He is however expected to call for “NATO out of Afghanistan” with everybody else before all too long.
“The US has promised to send 21,000 additional troops to the region to fight al-Qaida and the Taliban. Germany has pledged to send an additional 600 troops this summer to secure the Afghan elections.”
PS: One peace activist even tried to reach an olive branch over to our friends in the animal kingdom aber das ging in die Hose (but that went awry).
Laya R.
Obama doesn’t mispronounce nuclear
But he does think that Austrian is a language. Funny how things like that don’t matter anymore, don’t you think? Well they don’t over here. But, then again, Germans don’t speak Austrian, either. They’re just less apologetic about it.
“If you read FactCheck.org (or have ears and a brain) it is apparent that Mr. Obama makes just as many mistakes/tell lies as the dearly departed Mr. Bush. Is there a point at which you expect the naive, bright-eyed young things that voted for Mr. Obama to transition into becoming mean, angry cynics like me? If so, when will this occur? Or am I mistakenly assuming these kids are even paying attention anymore?”
“I don’t speak Austrian.”
Bad weather?
It was more like bad vibrations, I’d say. After a surprise visit to German troops in Afghanistan and a surprise attack by the Taliban upon her, Chancellor Angela Merkel is not surprisingly returning to Germany ahead of surprise schedule due to, uh, surprisingly bad weather conditions.
Women heads of state. What a bunch of wussies. One little rocket attack and they high tail it out of there. Of course on the other hand she was being protected by the German army…
„Die Kanzlerin konnte wegen ungünstiger Witterungsbedingungen nicht wie geplant per Hubschrauber vom größten Bundeswehrstandort Masir-i-Scharif nach Faisabad fliegen.“
Obama to move Turkey to Europe
His wonders never ceasing, President Obama is now said to be planning to move Turkey to Europe during a live television broadcast from Las Vegas which could be aired sometime later this year.
After saying that Turkey’s membership to the EU (that country technically not a part of Europe) would be an important symbol of cooperation between the West and the Muslim world and thereby pissing off our new-real-good-buddies-again France and Germany who are seemingly less than impressed about the thought of having to cooperate that much, aides close to the President said that he is beginning to lose his patience with their recalcitrance and is planning the physical relocation of the massive Eurasian landmass “up north” with a mere clap of his hands, thus alleviating the problem. “This just in case Germany and France don’t like chill already,” one aide said.
Rumors that White House staffers have already made contact with David Copperfield could not be substantiated but sources close to Criss Angel say that this is the kind of Mindfreak that’s right up his alley (or ally?).
“A strong partnership requires shared responsibility.”
