German Of The Day: Unfassbar

That means unfathomable or mind-boggling. And, well, actually, it isn’t.

Unfathomable

Not at all. It is in fact not in the least unfathomable that of the 244 Leopard II tanks the Bundeswehr has at its disposal (244 tanks for an entire army?) only 95 of them are acutally, well, disposable. That’s, uh – let me do the math here – less than half.

What was I saying the other day about Germany living in a parallel universe (comments)? Do you believe me now?

Please note: These are also the same tanks that are Exportschlager. Another German word. This one meaning export hits. See how it all fits together (not)?

“Das ist unfassbar.”

 

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Bundeswehr Showing More Transparency

Frustrated by the low number of women interested in becoming officers in the German army, the Bundeswehr has decided to once again lead from behind and has begun transitioning some of the few male officers it has (this is the German Army, after all) into the female kind.

Trans

Thought to be a transgression up until very recently, these officers, mostly active as translators or in the transportation division, will be transferred after transformation to the transnational and transcultural Transall troops currently stationed in Transylvania where they will study, among other things, transcendental meditation (this is the German army, after all).

Or so the transcript I’ve read. It was a transliteration, however. End of transmission already.

„Wir haben hier einen Frauenanteil von nur fünf Prozent.“

PS: The female officer in the picture is the big guy on the left.

This Is A Horror Scenario For The Future?

It’s already happening now, folks.

EU

“EU enlargement has been largely abandoned, other states have left the community, Europe has lost its global competitiveness… The increasingly disorderly, sometimes chaotic and conflict-prone world has dramatically changed the security environment of Germany and Europe.”

A possible vision for the year 2040? Nope, nobody has to wait that long for this.

In einem der sechs Szenarien (“Die EU im Zerfall und Deutschland im reaktiven Modus”) gehen die Autoren von einer “multiplen Konfrontation” aus. Die Zukunftsprojektion beschreibt eine Welt, in der die internationale Ordnung nach “Dekaden der Instabilität” erodiert, die Wertesysteme weltweit auseinanderdriften und die Globalisierung gestoppt ist.

Massive Logistical Move Could, Should And Will Take Months

Transferring six (6) aircraft from Turkey halfway around the world to Jordan is anything but an easy logistical problem to solve.

War

Not if you are the German army, it isn’t. A move of this magnitude has to be carefully planned and cautiously implemented (not to mention cautiously planned and carefully implemented), otherwise something could go wrong because, well, only one or two of these damned planes actually fly.

And this is war, after all.

Last month, Ankara blocked a German parliamentary delegation from visiting Bundeswehr troops at the base, marking the second time that Turkey had done so. Turkish officials said their decision was a response to Germany granting asylum to Turkish military personnel accused of participating in a failed coup last year – a move that reportedly enraged Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

PS: Brought to you by the same people who gave us The Flight of the Phoenix?

Radical Right-Wing German Soldier Granted Asylum In Germany As Syrian Refugee Turns Out To Be Wannabe Islamist Terrorist

Wait. It gets better. Or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know what to say, people. But only a military counterintelligence service called MAD could come up with a story like this.

Terror

A German soldier who falsely registered as a Syrian asylum seeker has been arrested for planning a terror attack. Authorities believe the lieutenant was motivated by xenophobia…

Prosecutors said the man hid a loaded weapon in a bathroom at  Vienna airport in January. He was then briefly arrested by Austrian police when he returned in February to retrieve it.

They later released the soldier due to insufficient evidence. However, the suspect’s fingerprints indicated he had in late 2015 used an alias to falsely register as a Syrian refugee in Germany. In early 2016, he applied for asylum. He was subsequently granted accommodation and even received aid money.

Ein mutmaßlich rechtsradikaler Bundeswehrsoldat, der sich als Flüchtling und Syrer ausgab, soll einen Anschlag geplant haben.

Bundeswehr CIS

No, not CIS as in Crininal Investigative Service. That’s CIS as in Cyber and Information Space Command.

CIS

That’s the name of Germany’s new “cyber commando” group, some 260 crack nerd troops who have now begun defending their country against cyber attacks (over 284,000 such attacks were registered during the first nine weeks of this year alone, according to the German defense ministry). As soon as they get funding for computers and other cyber stuff like that, that is (this is the Bundeswehr after all).

IT specialists have cast doubt over the ability of the Bundeswehr as currently configured to keep up: its procurement processes are notoriously slow, for example. It will need to show itself to be much more flexible and agile in future.

Germans Involved In Airstrike?

What, like an airstrike for higher pay and more vacation? Or one for planes that actually fly? This must be some kind of a misunderstanding or something. German war planes (the ones that still fly) are only used on missions of goodness and niceness.

Airstrike

German jets reportedly passed intelligence to the anti-IS coalition for an airstrike that killed dozens of civilians in Syria. Germany only provides reconnaissance and does not carry out attacks.

“The conflict in Syria is very heavily dependent on aerial intelligence. Countries which may not be involved in the direct fighting in Syria, such as Germany, are nevertheless playing a key role in gathering crucial aerial intelligence, which then feeds into lethal strikes by others, primarily the United States.”

German Army Now In Hot Water For Defending Itself

After Germany’s consulate in northern Afghanistan was attacked by a suicide car bomber, killing six and injuring more than 120 others, Bundeswehr soldiers there clearly overreacted by killing two men on a motorcycle who refused to stop when ordered to do so.

Bundeswehr

Or at least that’s what we will most likely be hearing in the German Reichstag in the coming days, weeks and months to follow.

The Bundeswehr killing people? What will they be expected to do next? Go to war?

Nach dem Anschlag auf das deutsche Generalkonsulat in Masar-i-Scharif hat die Bundeswehr in der nordafghanischen Stadt zwei Motorradfahrer erschossen. Die beiden Männer sollen sich über die Aufforderung, sofort anzuhalten, hinweggesetzt haben.

The Dirty Dozen

The German army is shrinking fast. After a recent purge of right-wing extremists, left-wing extremists and now Islamists, the number of able combat soldiers the Bundeswehr keeps on hand to never actually use has dropped to a dangerously low level indeed. Below is a picture of the entire remaining German army in non-action.

Army

“This has gone far enough already,” said one disgruntled spokesman for the pitifully anemic somewhat military-like force. “If they ever make us kick out the common criminals and other unsavory types we won’t have anyone left to not go to war with at all.”

More than 60 Islamists are suspected of sneaking into the ranks of the Germany army to undergo military training and carry out attacks in the country, it has been reported.

Half Of German Army Resigns

Over 400 German soldiers have filed applications for resignation from the country’s armed forces, leaving the other half to fend for itself all on its own.

Bundeswehr

Combat situations are often revelatory moments in which the risk of a soldier’s career – of killing or being killed is often realized for the first time and then experienced in its full scope,” said a Left party Bundeswehr expert when interviewed about the matter.

“That the German army doesn’t ever experience any combat situations like ever at all (as in NEVER) is the really mysterious thing behind all of this,” said another unnamed expert who wasn’t even being interviewed. Or even asked, for that matter. Nor will he ever be, as far as I can figure.

Seit Mitte 2014 wollten 62 Soldatinnen und 407 Soldaten aus Gewissensgründen entlassen werden.