All the news that’s not fit to print

What? Reprinting actual Nazi newspapers from the 1930’s and allowing German Menschen (people) in the year 2009 to actually, gulp, read them? Why that’s, why that’s… That’s history!

 

 There's no news like old news.

 

Das Unheil (calamity) always comes from somewhere else, you see (Hitler was an Austrian, for instance). Now it’s coming from England (even Germans get tired of reading about US-Amerika all the time). Some British terrorist journalist type has somehow managed to manipulate a Bavarian court that just ruled he can continue to publish his annotated “Witness Reports” series down there.

 

This is bad or something I guess because Germans are more susceptible to Nazi propaganda from the 1930s than others are I suppose and like with hypnosis I assume they are pre-programmed or even genetically predetermined to start foaming at the mouth and marching into Poland whenever things like this get published I guess, again (funny how you can’t get them to march into southern Afghanistan though).

 

Alles ist verboten was nicht ausdrücklich erlaubt ist.

John Lennon High still giving peace a chance

Continuing to show solidarity for John and Yoko’s heroic efforts to end that dirty war over there in Vietnam, students at Berlin’s John-Lennon-Gymnasium will be honoring this forty-year-old battle for peace by voluntarily coming to school an hour later next year.

Give me peace.

Students have voted to begin instruction next semester at nine o’clock instead of eight o’clock in the morning, effectively increasing Lennon’s “Bed-in” action by some 35,000 man/woman/student hours per year.

“Da sind wir Vorreiter für Deutschland.”

Geschichtsklitterung

Or “piecing together history” as it suits you, if you prefer. Sure you can find something good to say about good old, bad old East Germany (that yucky communist one, remember?) if you want to. The thing that interests me is why on earth anyone would ever want to. Some young and dynamic SPD (East) politician did it again the other day, though (that’s SPD, not SED). He warned everyone not to always be putting everything that had to do with the GDR in a bad light because, well, gee… That wouldn’t be nice or something, I guess.

 

 Those were the days.

 

But as an older colleague of his noted in response, once you start arguing like that you could quickly find yourself defending the so-called good side of the Nazis – building the autobahn, putting people to work, stuff like that. And that, of course, wouldn’t be nice, either.

 

So why not just let dead dogs lie? After all, they have all their lying long behind them.

 

„Wer wie Sellering argumentiert, kommt schnell zu den vermeintlich guten Seiten der Nazis, dem Autobahnbau oder der Arbeitsbeschaffung.“

The W Word

“The host was absent when German Defence Minister Franz Josef Jung held a press conference at the Kabul headquarters of the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) in Afghanistan recently.

ISAF’s commander, General David McKiernan, apparently had something better to do – unusual considering Jung is defence minister of the third-biggest supplier of troops and the fourth biggest donor nation in Afghanistan.

The snub dates back to the last joint press conference held by the two men in the late summer of 2008 when the US general used the ugly word ‘war’ in Afghanistan, much to the annoyance of Jung.

Germany had been studiously avoiding the term when speaking of the unpopular deployment of its troops in the landlocked Asian nation. Since then the two men have avoided each other in public.

McKiernan’s absence could be considered trivial were it not symptomatic of a more general problem: Germany’s influence in Afghanistan and among its allies there has deteriorated markedly.”

What’s in a word?

How bad is the sex recession in Germany these days?

Why it’s so bad…

 

How much?!?

 

That when sex workers start suggesting stimulus packages they’re actually referring to money. Bad? It’s so bad in German brothels these days that fewer and fewer people are coming. We’re talking bad. It’s so bad that experts fear the industry is flat on its back. You want bad? It’s so bad these days that it might take months or even years before business picks up and turns the street corner again.

 

“Economic aid would be judicious.”

Mickey Mouse hassled by German cops

Well, sort of. Humorless German police are all hot and bothered these days just because the latest German-issue Mickey Mouse comic book came equipped with a Chinese kiddie radio the kids can use to listen to real live grownup German police calls with.

 

 Quadratisch, praktisch, gut.

 

Unfortunately for the cops trying to straighten this touchy matter up, every time a patrol car gets called in to arrest one of these no good American comic book reading punks, they always somehow manage to disappear before the grumps can arrive.

 

“Wir prüfen, ob ein Verstoß gegen das Fernmeldegesetz vorliegt.”

Germans begin offshore offensive

Pulling out their favorite charm cannon Finance Minister Peer Steinbrück himself, the Germans have begun battering neighboring offshore financial center states like Switzerland after launching a surprise ravaging verbal abuse offensive.

 

 Me ugly German.

 

Hoping to recover unpaid taxes in vicious hand-to-hand or at least toungue-to-tongue combat (yuk), Steinbrück has lambasted the small, defenseless, filthy rich neutral country for being a safe haven for thousands of rebel German fiscal terrorists who have stashed away their savings there for some mysterious reason that nobody here in Berlin can even begin to explain, much less figure out.

 

Steinbrück has even openly “doubted” Swiss promises to make their banking system more transparent, initiating a further diplomatic scandal between the two nations. Other than the surprise ravaging verbal abuse offensive part, I mean. The Swiss Foreign Ministry has actually summoned the German ambassador to protest the “unacceptable” remarks by Steinbrück. But this was long after the offensive started so like who cares?

 

That offshore financial centers like Switzerland have nothing to do with the problems created by cash-strapped governments like Germany impresses Herr Steinbrück little as they are nevertheless easy targets to bash at the moment and this gracefully distracts from the current political paralysis in Berlin concerning all things having to do with the financial crisis, or at least with all things having to do with the financial crisis and international solidarity.

„Er erklärt, wieso die Eidgenossen Bundesfinanzminister Peer Steinbrück (SPD) für einen hässlichen Deutschen halten.“

Drunken Obama official lets German into secret lab

Loosened up after several bottles of Rotkäppchen Sekt that German “Research” Minister Annette Schavan brought along with her especially for the occasion, Washington insiders report that a tipsy US Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano then allowed Schavan access to what used to be one highly restricted American anti-terrorism technolgies lab.

 

 Damn. This stuff rocks.

 

Still smashed after breakfast later that morning, Napolitano then signed a so-called treaty on scientific and technological cooperation that Schavan shoved under her bright red nose at an opportune moment, right before she passed out on her desk, in other words. The German Research Minister then mysteriously disappeared into thin air and could not be located anywhere in the once secure building by formerly secure security personnel, no matter how hard they researched.

 

“This is an important contribution to the strengthening of trans-Atlantic cooperation.”