Author Archives: Hermann Observer
What do we do with these guys now?
Open up a detention camp on Sylt? Damn. I’m impressed doch (after all). A German frigate actually stopped a pirate attack off the coast of Somalia and took nine suspects into custody the other day. These guys were considered suspect because German and American helicopter crews caught them attacking a merchant vessal and later when they got busted their rocket-propelled grenade launchers were still smoking pretty good here and there, even though they claimed they were just out fishing, I’m sure.
But what now? What does Germany do now with these icky yucky pirates? Hmmm, could it be that your problems just begin once you capture guys like this red-handed? It sounds familiar somehow, somewhere, sometimes.
“First, independent prosecutors in Hamburg need to decide whether the men should face trial in Germany. The German navy has given them all its evidence, and it is now up to them to say whether German interests were at stake during the attack. A specially convened commission, representing Germany’s Interior, Foreign, Defense and Justice ministries, met this week to discuss the legal status of the pirates — hitherto unchartered legal territory.”
It can happen to anyone who does it on purpose
Annoying German journalist imposter dude Günter Wallraff recently chose some of the coldest winter days during one of the coldest German winters on record to pretend he was a homeless person in Frankfurt in order to prove that this is an unpleasant thing to be, much less do.
Among other things, Wallraff discovered that 1) many of those living on the street today had not always been living on the street before 2) that if one doesn’t have an apartment or a house with a real address, nobody can mail you anything and 3) that many of the homeless look almost like those who have homes, only their hair is often uncombed and their clothing is sometimes somewhat dirtier. This is also called investigative journalism over here, by the way. Only in German, of course.
“Sure,” said a freshly destitute and homeless Frankfurt financial banker when asked about Wallraff’s latest shocking undercover coup. “Anybody who doesn’t have to can come out here and freeze his ass off with the rest of us real street folks if he wants to, I just can’t figure out why on earth anybody would.”
„Ich hatte früher selbst Vorurteile und habe öfter einen Bogen gemacht um jüngere Leute, die auf der Straße lagerten und mir ihren Becher hinhielten.“
Governor Schwarzenegger destroys cyborg arm sent from the future
Claiming to have only wanted to save the world from marauding machines out to annihilate humanity, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger shocked Chancellor Angela Merkel and other visitors at Germany’s CeBIT technology fair yesterday by crushing an eerie cyborg arm which had been sent to the fair from the post-apocalyptic future. He did it with his bare hands, too.
“What do you mean it’s from Japan?” asked a skeptical Schwarzenegger as a flustered Chancellor Merkel attempted to explain to him, in English (the governor avoids speaking German over here for some strange reason although we both know that you can, sir), that the arm posed no danger, especially now.
Governor Schwarzenegger then apologized and went on to give a speech about how technology will save us all. “Technology is really our great hope for creating extra revenues and stimulating the economy,” the governor said. “And as long as it doesn’t get beamed here from who knows when in one of those creepy burning spheres of plasma thingies, that’s OK by me.”
„Ich habe hier mehr Technologie gesehen als in meinem ganzen Leben.“
Boris won’t stop engaging us
Or you, I should say. With his public marriage proposal announcement intervals now dropping to their lowest levels since 1997 (only every seven months now), aging ex-tennis star exhibitionist Boris Becker just can’t stop asking women to marry him.
The mentally disturbed, doped or drunken German jock (or all three?) announced his most recent engagement to model Lilly Kerssenberg on Germany’s popular “Wetten, dass…?” (Wanna bet?) TV show just seven months after having asked German socialite Sandy Meyer-Woelden to do the same thing, in pretty much the same way.
And no, it wasn’t one of the bets, but maybe during next month’s show.
“I know lots of people who won’t understand me, but we’re only human.”
Volltreffer!
Talk about being right on the mark. Everybody is trying to get a piece of this new consumer incentive plan for old cars (Abwrackprämie) over here in Germany these days. The government shells out 2,500 euros to anybody who trades in his old wreck for a new, more environmentally friendly one, I mean new one. German consumer confidence is way up at the moment, primarily because of this.
But this is another one of those only-in-Germany kind of things, folks. The wreck you trade in here to get the money has to be at least nine years old! That’s right, nine (not nein). Only German cars live that long, of course, so it’s basically a subsidy for the German car industry. And they’re selling their smaller models like hotcakes at the moment, despite all of the economic doom.
By the way, you can’t trade the ones in you torch first, though, no matter how old they are.
„Die Verbraucher in Deutschland haben trotz der schwersten Rezession seit dem Zweiten Weltkrieg mehr Lust zum Einkaufen.“
But, like, where are all the pirates?
German pirate hunting frigate Karlsruhe is back from its pirate hunting expedition on the Horn of Africa, safe and sound, just like the pirates it had been hunting.
Everyone is thrilled because this was an historic mission or something. Apparently it was a first here, what one calls a “combat operation” in the military.
“Es ist das erste Mal, dass man sagen kann, es war ein Kampfeinsatz.”
Tessa B.
International Islamic financial crisis worsening in Germany
Clearly hurting due to a lack of international terror funding brought about by the global financial crisis, and not enough Google Adsense revenue having come in from last month’s apocalyptic tirade, German Islamic terrorist Abu Talha „Where’s the money“ al-Almani has released another Internet video in which he decried the current shameful lack of German terrorist solidarity as a “current shameful lack of German terrorist solidarity” and called for immediate increased spending by German Muslims the world over.
His new tirade, entitled something like “Islam in Big Financial Crisis You Me More Money Send” (his Arabic is not that good yet, but neither is mine), al-Almani stressed several times that “We have nothing to fear, but the lack of fear itself,” and warned that if funds don’t come in soon, “The only way out of this mess will be by building an economic system based entirely upon the Koran, only this time for real.”
This would of course include a ban on all types of interest payments (so far so good), no more trading in “abstract goods” like currencies and commodities (except oil, of course) and the introduction of dried camel dung as the universal method of payment. Paying for stuff with damp camel dung would still remain prohibited, for now.
Al-Almani, a former German business mathmatics student, went on to say that Germany has been spared so far, but that he and other money-less Mudschahidin like him will keep sending scarry video messages like this on a regular basis anyway, just to keep folks here on their infidelic little toes or something, or at least until some cash starts coming in.
Reliable sources have verified that Mr al-Almani does indeed plan to release a third video sometime soon, provided of course he can find a solvent sponsor with enough camel dung, uh, on his hands.
„Am Ende des Bandes hat er bereits die nächste Rede angekündigt. ‘Was der Westen dem Islam alles verdankt’, wird sie heißen. Es steht zu vermuten, dass sie ähnlich wirr ausfällt.“
Crisis, crisis and a little more crisis, to go
When will it end? VW just set a new record in sales, the German stock market just made another billion, the energy giant RWE beat it’s 2008 profit goals admirably, Axel Springer publishing (Bild) has never made more money, Sixt is expecting a booming 2009, it just goes on and on and on, people.
Stop the world I want to get off or something. When are we ever going to see a little light at the end of the economic tunnel? Before we all roll over and die, I mean.
PS: Speaking of cars (even if VW didn’t actually invent them), Germany still loves you anyway, Mr. President. Noch (for now).
