Author Archives: Hermann Observer

Exotic muss es sein

February 15, 2009 By in Habitudes Tags: Leave a comment

„American cinema is the big winner at the 59th Berlin Film Festival. Of the nine official Bear awards given, five went to films made across the pond – four of those went to South America, however. This year’s jury in Berlin was again consistent in selecting the strangest film for its audience and followed this principle to its extreme.”

 

No surprises here.

 

It’s another heart-warming story about a young woman who was born of her mother’s rape in the 1980s, this time in Peru. The same film was made last year (or was it the year before?) in Croatia or Bosnia or somewhere, but I can’t remember if it got first place or not. Why am I the only one who finds this humorous? Oh, the glamour.

 

„Ein durchschnittlicher Berlinale-Interessierter wird von Kate Winslet im „Vorleser“ gelesen und Heike Makatsch aus „Hilde“ auf dem roten Teppich gesehen haben – aber von den jetzigen Gewinnern haben die Medien vor ihrer Krönung äußerst wenig berichtet.“

It’s good to be king

February 13, 2009 By in Heconomy Tags: 1 Comment

Berlin’s mayor Klaus Wowereit is becoming more like the Sun King all the time. After successfully campaigning to close the city’s famed Tempelhof Airport on grounds of nonprofitablitly, among other things, he has pushed through a rental contract with the Bread & Butter fashion tradeshow – Bread & Butter will use parts of the airport for two months a year over a period of five years, thus making it very difficult to find other renters – which appears to be anything but profitable itself. The maintenance costs to the city for the keeping the closed Airport “going” are much higher, you see.

 

 Der Wick... I mean Trickser.

 

But we may never know for sure just how bad a deal it is as the mayor refuses to disclose any details to anyone who asks him, the three opposition parties in the Rotes Rathaus included. I know what you’re thinking, but Rotes Rathaus doesn’t mean red rat house, its Berlin’s city hall and happens to be made out of red brick. Although, these days…

 

There’s a certain arrogance about Wowereit that obviously never sat well with those who have voted against him, but this growing distance to his Untertanen (subjects) below is slowly beginning to bug his buddies on the left now, too. Not that this matters or anything. But still.

 

“Sonnenkönig Wowereit schweigt.”

Attack is the best defense

February 12, 2009 By in History Tags: 1 Comment

Angriff ist die beste Verteidigung, they say, especially when your position is indefensible. And that definitely goes for Egon Krenz, the GDR’s last boss (or undertaker on duty when it happened), who has now been let out of prison and will soon be publishing his tell-all book about how it really and truly was, “Prison Notes.”

 

 No regrets here.

 

In classic German Opfer (victim) style, Krenz will have written, under the most dreadful conditions in a, gulp, German correctional facility, his shocking (not) revelation (not) from an ex-communist (not) who still wants to play the martyr (yup). And he’ll succeed mit links (win hands down – with the left hand down, I guess).

 

Prison für Krenz was of course a living hell because they served dinner at three-thirty in the afternoon and he couldn’t identify the salad they served him, the margine was runny and somebody had even vomited in his sink once, he thinks (that was in the article I read, I swear). And worst of all, the guards would regularly take turns looking at him through that peep hole thingy in his cell door. Like how rude is that?

 

And what had he been sentenced for in the first place? A few measly dozen killings on the Berlin Wall, and he didn’t even pull the trigger (the big guys never do). He got six and a half years and actually had to sit out four (4) of them because he was being persecuted by capitalism or something. But thank goodness an expert evaluated him as having a “favorable social prognosis” (some expert always does) so he’s out now after all.

 

Yup, it’s autograph time at the editorial department of Neues Deutschland where he’s started his book selling tour. Of course the tour probably ends here, too, but still. His fans are all over him, hundreds showed up. Rumor is that one guy even got off with his prison pillow cases and has already auctioned them off on eBay.

 

Sure, he’ll probably make a lot of money with this book, but it’s not about money with Krenz, comrades. Or it’s not just about money, I should say. It’s about the snivelling, too. And the denial. And the victimization (his, of course). Lest we ever forget or something.

 

And besides, everybody loves a good horror story now and then.

 

“Jeder hat das Recht, sich so an die DDR zu erinnern, wie er sich erinnern will.”

Cyber warfare in action already

February 11, 2009 By in Humor Tags: 3 Comments

Damn. They just unleashed these guys and they’ve already hacked into the Interior Minister’s website? He’s a data security kind of guy, get it?

 

 Nice job if you can hack it.

 

I told you so. I just knew that the Germans were going to be good at this cyber warfare stuff. It looks like it’s time to change your password, Herr Minister.

 

„Ein Hacker hat den Internetauftritt des CDU-Politikers geentert und dort Werbung gemacht: für mehr Datenschutz und gegen die von Schäuble befürwortete Vorratsdatenspeicherung.“

Cyber what?

February 10, 2009 By in Hate Tags: 2 Comments

This real war stuff is like so von gestern (yesterday). That’s why the Germans want to move on and do cyber warfare instead. You can cut costs that way, in a big way (except when it comes to your real weapons sales) and the Americans won’t always be moaning at you to finally start shooting at somebody because you already are, sort of. Well you are virtually, I suppose, and that’s close enough for the Bundeswehr.

 

Cyber warfare this.

 

Recent cyber attacks from friendly nations like China have alarmed the German Government, you see, and that’s why the Bundeswehr is forming this new cyber warfare unit whose 76 members will singlehandedly protect the nation from future attacks of this nature while simultaneously learning how to take down enemy countries at the same time, cyberneticly speaking.

 

Why do I get the distinct feeling that the Germans are going to be really good at this type of thing? I’m telling you, it’s going to be just like the Chaos Computer Club all over again, only this time in uniform. But the uniforms won’t fit very well because of the regulation pizza they’ll have to eat.

 

„Bei der im Aufbau befindlichen Abteilung Informations- und Computernetzwerkoperationen arbeiten derzeit schon 76 Mitarbeiter.“

Change has come to Europe!

February 7, 2009 By in Hypocrisy Tags: 1 Comment

It’s time to roll up those sleeves, Germany. Your dream team Vice President Joe Biden himself has now made it official (in Munich of all places): He (as in Obama as in we as in US-Amerika) now expect you and all your other EU brothers out there to now, right now, begin shouldering heavier burdens, from fighting international terror to fighting economic instability at home and abroad.

 

What a wonderful, uh, new tone.

 

Oh yes you can (we always knew you could), especially now that Biden said this in the “new tone” you have all been clamoring for all these long years, hallelujah, amen. And this wonderful new tone (and message?) not only echoes serenely through European air and media waves in ever-broadening circles of Realpolitik revelation, infecting all listening to it with enthusiasm and conviction (just think, you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren that you were there when the new American tone started ringing), it appears to be quite a contagious one, to boot.

 

NATO boss Jaap de Hoop Scheffer, for instance, a well-known European himself, took Joe’s queue and is now pressing European allies to finally step up the commitment to the war against the Taliban in Afghanistan. He’s saying that the Obama government has already taken care of one of Europe’s biggest complaints by closing Guantanamo, Saints be praised, so now it’s time for Europe to reciprocate.

 

 “When the United States asks for a serious partner,” he said in Munich. “It does not just want advice. It wants and deserves someone to share the heavy lifting.”

 

What wonderful words, don’t you think? Yes, that’s music in my ears, too, my European friends. It’s so uplifting to know that the change that came to America overnight some eighteen days ago has now reached the shores of your continent, too. Heaven knows you deserve it. A little change, I mean.

 

 So like I said before, roll up those sleeves Germany, and start practicing that heavy lifting. I’m sure the first flight of fresh German combat troops will be flying off to Kabul by early next week. Or late next week at the latest, right?

 

“Amerika wird mehr tun, aber Amerika erwartet auch mehr von seinen Partnern.”

“They can’t punish you for something that is right”

February 6, 2009 By in Hypocrisy Tags: 1 Comment

Nope, they can’t. But they can punish you for something that is wrong. I think we’re on the same sheet of music here, Specialist Schepherd.

 

 My European vacation rocks!

 

When you went AWOL here in Germany in April 2007 to avoid “an illigal conflict” in Iraq you walked smack dab into the middle of an illegal conflict of your own. And now Germany, despite all the peacenik rhetoric and national obsession with war legality (but only when it comes to wars they have no intention of taking part in = Afghanistan is legal, just barely), will have to go through the long and drawn out motions of pretending they might grant you, a United States citizen, political asylum. You know, like they used to do in the good old days over there on the wild side, in the GDR?

 

Hate to tell you, but the Germans won’t be able to help you. They’re going to let you down on this one. Germans are prepared to moan and groan along with you all you want, but when it comes to doing something like setting an extreme precedent and getting all tangled up in sticky legal and political implications by granting such an absurd request, it just ain’t gonna happen. The time’s just not right, you see (Bush bad, Obama good = no make problems just right yet).

 

So enjoy your stay in jolly old Germany as long as you can. I’d say you’ve got a good six months, at least.

 

He said he didn’t want to return to an illegal conflict.