We’re Prepared To Fend Off Cyber Attacks From Russia And China

But nobody told us here at Germany’s Cyber Defense Command that we would also have to be on our toes for a twenty-year-old student  living with his parents in Hesse.


Now it’s a whole new ballgame. We’ll need a lot more personnel. And way lots more funding (tax payer money). Government in action over here is pretty much like government in action back home, folks. You hardly notice when it’s here. You hardly notice when it’s gone.

German authorities on Tuesday said a 20-year-old hacker had confessed to stealing and leaking private data from hundreds of politicians, including Chancellor Angela Merkel, because he was “annoyed” by some of their public statements.

The young German, who is still studying and lives with his parents, was detained after police searched the family home in the western state of Hesse on Sunday.

“The accused said he published the data because he had been annoyed by certain statements made by those affected.”

Fearless Leader: “Russian Cyber Attack Ain’t No Big Deal”

It was only 900,000 users, after all. For only a day or two. And is probably only just the beginning, so don’t worry. Be happy. And now sitzen machen!


Cyber attacks from Russia are now so common that Germany must learn to cope with them as part of daily life, Chancellor Angela Merkel said Tuesday, after Europe’s top economy suffered its largest ever online assault.

She then moved on to more pressing matters. Like preparing to take a tough stand on the UK for Brexit or worrying about hate-speech on Facebook. Stuff like that.

“Such cyber attacks, or hybrid conflicts as they are known in Russian doctrine, are now part of daily life and we must learn to cope with them.”

Cyber what?

This real war stuff is like so von gestern (yesterday). That’s why the Germans want to move on and do cyber warfare instead. You can cut costs that way, in a big way (except when it comes to your real weapons sales) and the Americans won’t always be moaning at you to finally start shooting at somebody because you already are, sort of. Well you are virtually, I suppose, and that’s close enough for the Bundeswehr.


Cyber warfare this.


Recent cyber attacks from friendly nations like China have alarmed the German Government, you see, and that’s why the Bundeswehr is forming this new cyber warfare unit whose 76 members will singlehandedly protect the nation from future attacks of this nature while simultaneously learning how to take down enemy countries at the same time, cyberneticly speaking.


Why do I get the distinct feeling that the Germans are going to be really good at this type of thing? I’m telling you, it’s going to be just like the Chaos Computer Club all over again, only this time in uniform. But the uniforms won’t fit very well because of the regulation pizza they’ll have to eat.


„Bei der im Aufbau befindlichen Abteilung Informations- und Computernetzwerkoperationen arbeiten derzeit schon 76 Mitarbeiter.“