Bundeswehr to move north again

April 14, 2009 By in History Tags: Leave a comment

After yesterday’s devastating surprise Easter attack on Bundeswehr military vehicles in the southeastern German city of Dresden, German politicians have decided to move all remaining Bundeswehr forces to the more stable northern regions of the country.

 

 Nichts wie weg hier!

 

Although under pressure by the NATO to station more German combat troops in southern Germany to help fight the German peacenik-led Easter insurgency there, officials maintained that such a risky military presence would simply not be politically viable at this time.

 

After Easter vacation, Chancellor Angela Merkel is expected to visit German troops stationed at an undisclosed location in the north, provided she can find them of course, and will stress Germany’s strong commitment to reconstruction efforts in that once war-torn country so very long, long, long ago.

“The official could not give details of her movements for security reasons but said she was not expected to travel to Kabul, or Kiel.”

Yankee bombs go home!

April 10, 2009 By in Habitudes 2 Comments

Talk about peace bis zum Umfallen (tell you drop). In a typical “yes we can, too” kind of unoriginal copycat statesman approach, German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier has played his obligatory Easter-time peace card by not so boldly calling for American Yankee nuclear weapons to be removed from Germany. But only after the head Yankee gave him the go ahead to do so, of course.

 Give peace a chance or something.

Not wanting to miss out on all the letting-there-be-peace festivities all those thousands or at least hundreds of other German peace activist types will be celebrating all across the country this weekend, Steinmeier, hoping to become the next Chancellor later this year, just couldn’t bring himself to take part in one of those cool sit-ins at at a US military base so he went for the more politically correct nuclear weapon ban thing instead.

 

He is however expected to call for “NATO out of Afghanistan” with everybody else before all too long.

 

“The US has promised to send 21,000 additional troops to the region to fight al-Qaida and the Taliban. Germany has pledged to send an additional 600 troops this summer to secure the Afghan elections.”

 

PS: One peace activist even tried to reach an olive branch over to our friends in the animal kingdom aber das ging in die Hose (but that went awry). 

Obama doesn’t mispronounce nuclear

April 8, 2009 By in Hypocrisy Tags: 3 Comments

But he does think that Austrian is a language. Funny how things like that don’t matter anymore, don’t you think? Well they don’t over here. But, then again, Germans don’t speak Austrian, either. They’re just less apologetic about it.

 

“If you read FactCheck.org (or have ears and a brain) it is apparent that Mr. Obama makes just as many mistakes/tell lies as the dearly departed Mr. Bush. Is there a point at which you expect the naive, bright-eyed young things that voted for Mr. Obama to transition into becoming mean, angry cynics like me? If so, when will this occur? Or am I mistakenly assuming these kids are even paying attention anymore?”

 

“I don’t speak Austrian.”

Bad weather?

April 7, 2009 By in Hysteria Tags: 2 Comments

It was more like bad vibrations, I’d say. After a surprise visit to German troops in Afghanistan and a surprise attack by the Taliban upon her, Chancellor Angela Merkel is not surprisingly returning to Germany ahead of surprise schedule due to, uh, surprisingly bad weather conditions.

 

Eiserne Kanzlerin war gestern.

 

Women heads of state. What a bunch of wussies. One little rocket attack and they high tail it out of there. Of course on the other hand she was being protected by the German army…

 

„Die Kanzlerin konnte wegen ungünstiger Witterungsbedingungen nicht wie geplant per Hubschrauber vom größten Bundeswehrstandort Masir-i-Scharif nach Faisabad fliegen.“

Obama to move Turkey to Europe

April 6, 2009 By in Hypocrisy Tags: 1 Comment

His wonders never ceasing, President Obama is now said to be planning to move Turkey to Europe during a live television broadcast from Las Vegas which could be aired sometime later this year.

 

Hi there, turkeys.

 

After saying that Turkey’s membership to the EU (that country technically not a part of Europe) would be an important symbol of cooperation between the West and the Muslim world and thereby pissing off our new-real-good-buddies-again France and Germany who are seemingly less than impressed about the thought of having to cooperate that much, aides close to the President said that he is beginning to lose his patience with their recalcitrance and is planning the physical relocation of the massive Eurasian landmass “up north” with a mere clap of his hands, thus alleviating the problem. “This just in case Germany and France don’t like chill already,” one aide said.

 

Rumors that White House staffers have already made contact with David Copperfield could not be substantiated but sources close to Criss Angel say that this is the kind of Mindfreak that’s right up his alley (or ally?).

 

“A strong partnership requires shared responsibility.”

Wow, what a deal!

April 5, 2009 By in Habitudes Tags: 1 Comment

Turning a typical yes-we-love-you-but-lip-service-is-all-you-get pirouette, Germany and other European partners have successfully, well, lip serviced President Obama during this weekend’s NATO summit with a passionate endorsement Bussi (kiss) for his new Afghan strategy while handing him a great big nichts dahinter (nothing behind it) welcome bouquet.

Welcome to Europe!

To underscore their sincerity, or lack of it, our stalwart partners have agreed to send, now get this, a jaw-dropping contingent of 3,000 troops to protect elections there next August. Not only that, a few new military training teams will also be sent to strengthen Afghanistan’s, uh, already amazingly strong army. And just to put the icing on the top of the injury, I mean cake, a handful of European civilian experts will be flown in to “consolidate the government” down there, whatever that means.

These are promising promises which promise to bring even more promise to President Obama’s promising start in jolly old Europe – oops, I meant in jolly Europe, of course.

“At a closing news conference, Obama portrayed the outcome as a success for his maiden encounter with NATO summitry, suggesting that trainers and civilians can be just as valuable as fighters.”

Gimme an N!

April 3, 2009 By in Habitudes Leave a comment

Gimme an A! Gimme a T! Gimme an O!

 

 Friends forever.

 

What’s that spell (if your German)?

No more Afghanistan Troops, Obama!

What’s that spell (if your German)?

No more Afghanistan Troops, Obama!

What’s that spell (if your German)?

No more Afghanistan Troops, Obama!

 

Don’t ask. Just felt like doing a little NATO Woodstock kind of thing today.

 

“His NATO allies are giving the president considerable vocal support for the newly integrated strategy. But they are giving him very few new troops on the ground, underlining the fundamental strains in the alliance.”

YouTube German style

April 2, 2009 By in Habitudes Tags: 1 Comment

Germans have this thing with G words. You know, like Gier (greed) or Geld (money)? Your money, actually (and their greed). If you live here, that is.

 

 I been framed!

 

Whether it’s the Gebühreneinzugszentrale (the television fee collecting central office or GEZ) or the GEMA (Germany‘s music royalty organization) or even the Government itself, all of these wonderful agencies are out to collect taxes, fees and royalties. And all of this is for your own good, of course. And this is so because, well, if they didn’t do it, no one else would.

 

And that is why as of yesterday, Google (another G Word, by the way) no longer allows users with German IP addresses to watch music videos on YouTube. Negotiations broke down between the music industry and Google over compensation for copyright holders because the GEMA wants, well, way too much. But like I said, they’re only doing this for your own good. And mine, too.

 

Hey, wait a minute. Come to think of it, German is a G Word, too.

 

“In addition to this squabbling over the per-song licensing rate, GEMA accused Google of a lack of transparency when it comes to which songs were played, and how many times they were played.”