Talk about your 57 varieties

People over here want a piece of that President Obama magic so bad that they are even starting to line up to get the same kind of dog he has. You know, one like Bo. They want a Portuguese water dog now living in Washington who came from an American breeder in Texas, only for Germans, in Germany.

I used to work for Dr. Suess.

Animal behaviorists over have warned Portuguese water dog breeders to gear up for what will be a huge surge in demand for puppies. Animal misbehaviorists over here have warned the same thing. And animal-rights activists are disappointed with the President’s decision not to adopt a real mutt instead, and not one of these blue blooded, aristocratic types. But who cares what they think? Dumb animals. I mean, dumb animal-rights activists.

“My phone has not stopped ringing and I have had at least 100 people call me!”

Fritz, Daniel and Attila

No, they’re not stand-up comedians. As a matter of fact, they don’t stand up for anybody, not even the judge. But the chances are good that they’ll be sitting for quite a long time to come, even by German standards.

 

I sit down for everybody.

 

The so-called Sauerland cell is now facing charges in Germany of conspiracy to murder, plotting to launch explosive attacks and membership in a terrorist organisation. Tipped off by evil US American security services, German spooks had been keeping them under surveillance for months before busting them big time in 2007. The German Islam converts and company had purchased 12 barrels of hydrogen peroxide and were arrested in their vacation home/bomb factory preparing attacks on American targets in Germany.

 

Some may wonder how ordinary Germans could have been recruited for an Islamic holy war crusade like this. I wonder were all the other ordinary ones like them are still hiding. Or do they even have to hide at all anymore these days?

 

“Ich stehe nur für Allah auf.”

True religion

It’s another one of these typical German moments, fighting about something that doesn’t really matter or mean much in the end anyway. But maybe that’s why Germans fight about trivial things like this to begin with. If it were ever about a real issue, they would have to take a real stand.

 

And the million dollar question is...

 

Anyway, Berliners are all up-in-arms (yawn) about a referendum on religion and ethics which will be held here this weekend. Being neither particularly religious nor all that ethical, this is the kind of referendum that’s right up their alley.

 

In a nutshell, students here are required to take ethics at school and have religion as an elective course they could choose to take instead. An initiative calling itself Pro Reli wants students to decide between the two courses, thus giving the religion course a bit of a push, I guess.

 

Not only are Berliners apathetic about ethics in general and religion in particular (60 percent are officially non-religious), like I said, they aren’t terribly thrilled about referendums, either (see Tempelhof). And being that participation of at least 25 percent of all eligible voters is required for the referendum to even be binding, the whole shebang will most likely have been for naught. So, well, that will make everybody happy in the end, I guess.

 

„Knapp 50 Prozent der Berliner sind für die Einführung eines Wahlpflichtfachs Religion – doch wollen nur wenige Bürger auch beim Volksentscheid am 26. April für diesen Vorschlag der Initiative Pro Reli stimmen.“

Germans racists after all

I don’t get it. This was a UN conference, Germany. How could you, gulp, boycott today’s anti-racism forum and then urge those attending it to “stand up for the effective fight against racism and ethnic discrimination” at the same time?

 

Can't wait to give my big speech!

 

What ever happened to international cooperation and consensus and community? The UN would never let another one of its shining examples of international unity be, well, hijacked by hate-filled demagogues and misused as a platform to repeat attacks on Israel and deny the Holocaust, now would it? Not like it did during its first conference on racism in Durban eight years ago which was marred by anti-Semitic comments from some less-than-well-meaning NGOs. It’s just not that kind of a place.

 

No, Germany. By making this fateful decision you have revealed yourself to be what you really and truly are; a country that can actually make the right decision from time to time, although this probably hurts like hell and you’ll be doing a lot of tooth grinding over it for a while (making right decisions can be like that). Good job and keep up the good work.

 

„Irans Präsident Mahmud Ahmadinedschad hat Israel einem Fernsehbericht zufolge kurz vor Beginn der Anti-Rassismus-Konferenz als „Fahnenträger des Rassismus“ bezeichnet.“

Ideology muss sein

Ideology it must be, at least here in Germany. It’s strange to see how an issue concerning Monsanto’s MON 810 “green” corn melts down to molten corn on the cob before your very eyes. What might be approached with calm discussion in another country turns into an hysterical hissing fit of abandon here in Germany before a real discussion can ever even begin.  

 

Schmeckt lecker!

 

Well hidden on page 31 of this weeks’s Zeit (Wissen) was an interesting assessment of the “issue” which of course isn’t a real issue at all. Germany’s banning of the genetically altered corn is of course nothing other than a cow tow to the forces which have created the ideological vicious circle that politically correct German politicians now find themselves in (and they’re all politically correct here, as you well know). Needing to cash in on the well orchestrated populist sentiment that keeps reaching new highs (lows?) in all matters concerning environmental, climate change, anti-science, anti-American, you-get-my-drift hysteria, the banning of MON 810 is a purely political decision which has nothing at all to do with science or agriculture, much less with corn.

 

That the toxin produced by the corn to kill the corn boring moth larva is the same one produced by soil bacteria and sprayed by organic farmers on their organic fields here (has been for years now) doesn’t interest anyone. The people, whoever they are, have spoken and will now rest better at night knowing that they have stopped that evil US-American Monsanto Corporation from infiltrating their pristine corn fields before they get up and go out to buy some organic farmer’s expensive, toxin-treated corn the very next day.

 

Although, come to think of it, Germans don’t even eat corn to begin with.

 

“Das in den Mais eingebaute Toxin gegen Fraßschädlinge spritzen Biolandwirte mit höchstem ökologischen Segen auf ihre Felder. Das Gift stammt aus Bodenbakterien und ist seit mehr als hundert Jahren bekannt.“

Now all bets are off!

Pissed off about being sued by resentful pirates they had elegantly disposed of by dumping them off on clueless Kenyan officials, the Federal Republic of Germany is finally ready to blow its top and have its navy blow the next bunch of pirate punks it accidently runs into in the Gulf of Aden CLEAN out of the water. And they really truly mean it this time honest for real. Or at least they could mean it, maybe.

 

Yo, ho, ho already.

 

“There can only be one answer to pirate attacks like these; their ships must be destroyed on the high seas immediately,” said one furious German politician who has absolutely nichts zu melden (nothing to say in the matter) here. “The navy must finally start using its weaponry.  Any further timidity would only make the German state look ridiculous.”

 

Well there we have it. We certainly wouldn’t want that. So get your popcorn a poppin’, people. This looks like war or something.

 

“Bei Piratenangriffen kann es nur eine richtige Antwort geben: Die Schiffe der Seeräuber müssen auf hoher See unverzüglich versenkt werden”, sagte Uhl. Die Marine müsse endlich ihre Bordwaffen einsetzen, mit weiterer Zaghaftigkeit “macht sich der deutsche Staat nur lächerlich”.

Pirates have rights, too

Or at least they think they do when they accidentally get caught by German naval personnel in the Gulf of Aden and then get dumped off in Kenya quicker than you can say “shiver me timbers” (the last things Germans want to do is open up their own private Guantanamo somewhere – where, on Sylt?).

 

 Where's my rum?

 

These are smart pirates, see. They went out and got themselves a German Larry the Lawyer kinda guy who is now suing the German government for any damages and hardships his peg-legged clients may have incurred as a result of getting so rudely arrested und unceremoniously cast away like common criminals like that. And we can only begin to imagine just how considerable that sum is going to be. It will include “material and immaterial damages”, after all. They’re starting out with 10,000 euros, but everybody knows that that’s just chump change and that the blue Kenyan sky is the real limit.

 

„Jeder materielle und immaterielle Schaden, der meinem Mandanten durch die unrechtmäßige Überstellung an Kenia entsteht, muss erstattet werden.“

Mutant American corn verboten in Germany

Getting everything wrong yet again, and terrified this time at the prospect of a “General Motors” (GM) corn that spawns deadly corn boring moth larva who hunger for the taste of Central European human flesh,  panicked Germans everywhere have band together and banned Monsanto’s MON 810 maize variety effective immediately if not sooner like yesterday already.

 

 I gottcha corn on the cob for ya right here!

 

Claiming that the decision to ban the harmless vegetable was now based on new ultra-objective data acquired from even ultra-objectiver sources at Greenpeace Labs Incorporated, the decision was of course a purely scientific one and not political in any way, or at least that’s what some of the corn-fed politicians said, truly believing that they have once again prevented another clear and present danger to the German environment, whatever that is.

 

German Research Minister Annette Schavan regretted the decision, made by another minister within the same government by the way, saying that especially during times of economic turmoil Germany should not be too quick to say too no to future technologies and not be so closed-minded and stop jumping up and down screaming hysterically dressed in green like that all the time, but who cares what she thinks?

 

“Gerade in einer Wirtschaftskrise wie heute sollten wir uns nicht vorschnell von Zukunftstechnologien verabschieden, zu denen die Grüne Gentechnik zweifellos gehört.“