Back To Nature

This story bears a resemblance to the wolf pack incidents.


Bear in mind, Germans have this need to get back to nature. But one guy had to bear the brunt of this romantic nonsense while his girlfriend was forced to bear witness.

A German PhD student was mauled and bitten by a female bear while hiking in the Romanian mountains. He managed to drive the animal away after his girlfriend told him to “punch it in the eye.”

A PhD student, huh? So this guy was smarter than the average bear, was he? Hope the bear doesn’t bear a grudge. That would be noble savage of both of them.

“Then I remembered that you’re supposed to punch a bear in the eye, so I yelled that and the bear turned around and left him. Andi’s so lucky to be alive.”

What’s that guy with the knife want?

Talk about your cruelty to animals.

First  rejected by his mother, then seperated from his ersatz father-keeper at a tender age while getting gawked at by quadrillions of annoying zoo visitors (he was even forced at gunpoint once to take a Vanity Fair cover shot with Leonardo DiCaprio), then turning from a cute and cuddly baby to a grungy teen right there where everybody could watch, then forced to marry a blood relative who doesn’t even speak proper German (they call her Giovanna).

So now? Poor Knut, Berlin’s own. Now German animal rights activists want to cut off his family jewels. Word is that “if they (he and Giovanna) were allowed to breed, the offspring would be prone to genetic abnormalities and liable to illness.”

I’m sure that Knut is wondering now if they couldn’t just be good friends. Unfortunately, he can’t talk.

“A long-term cohabitation between Giovanna and Knut is only feasible if Knut is castrated.”