King Kong Was Already Taken

King and Kong were, I mean.

Hong Kong

Berlin throws shade at China by voting to name panda cubs ‘Hong’ and ‘Kong’ – One of Berlin’s leading papers, Der Tagesspiegel, asked its readers to come up with name suggestions for the cubs, born Aug. 31 at the Berlin Zoo.

The cubs and their parents, Meng Meng, 6, and Jiao Qing, 9, belong to the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding, a Chinese research center. The Berlin Zoo pays $1 million a year to house the popular bears.

Others in the newspaper poll also suggested naming the cubs “Joshua Wong Chi-fung” and “Agnes Chow Ting” after two prominent Hong Kong democracy activists.

Sheesh. Berlin residents certainly give Hong Kong more consideration than their government leaders do. But, then again, Berliners know how important it is to show solidarity “with a city fighting for survival.”

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German Of The Day: Arbeitslos

That means unemployed. You know, like this loser of a European Football Championship koala oracle at the Leipzig Zoo?

Koala

„Oobi-Ooobi’s” job was to predict the outcome of the German team’s soccer matches and after two big flops in a row they fired his furry Australian ass. Dumb animal You have to perform over here in this part of the world, pal. And there is no such thing as free eucalyptus.

„Der unparteiische Australier zieht die Konsequenzen aus seinen beiden falschen Tipps. Als sportlich fairer Verlierer überlässt er das Orakeln ab sofort den Anderen.“

Germany Increases Its Pressure On China

This time by selling the Chinese 130 Airbus aircraft for $17 billion.

Airbus

And two pandas were also included to sweeten the deal. For Germany, I mean.

“Generally speaking, … in all our meetings with Chinese officials, human rights, rule of law and democracy issues play a role but I won’t go into specifics here.”

China’s communist authorities have launched a crackdown on elements of the country’s burgeoning civil society, jailing dozens of activists.

Germany Going To The Dogs

Or is it to the wolves? Or to the foxes maybe? Sheesh. Nature at its finest again.

Flamingos

When wolves aren’t killing deer down in the Bavarian outback these days, foxes are breaking into the Frankfurter Zoo at night and biting the heads off of flamingos. Bad animals! Bad!

Die am Wochenende im Frankfurter Zoo getöteten Flamingos sind keinem Tierquäler zum Opfer gefallen – sondern einem oder mehreren Füchsen.

PS: But now let’s move on to some more like totally unrelated unnatural type stuff. No Nukes, No Russian Gas, No Solar, No Fracking: How Exactly Does Germany Plan to Keep the Lights On?

It Must Not Have Been German Ape Porn

In a behavior study taking place at a German zoo, scientists have discovered that apes prefer popcorn to movies showing explicit ape sex scenes.

Porn

Maybe they would get better results if they did a misbehavior study instead.

“Maybe they are not so interested, as Bonobo apes very often have sex anyway.”

Lifesize Model Of Knut To Go On Display In Berlin Without The Life

Now this is what I call a cuddly comeback.

Knut

A model of Knut Himself († 4), covered with Knut Himself’s fur, will go on display at the Natural History Museum in Berlin and is expected to attract thousands of thoroughly disturbed and mentally imbalanced fans.

It could have been worse, though. They were originally going to stuff the poor devil but this idea had been deemed disrespectful so they just skinned him instead.

Knut became the most commercially successful – for the zoo, at least – animal in history. His image was reproduced on bedware and T-shirts, and as everything from soft toys to ice scrapers. He became a UN climate change symbol, and even appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair with Leonardo DiCaprio. But the bear was diagnosed with psychological problems early on…

German Animal Paparazzi Murder Ear-Challenged Bunny Shortly Before Easter

Caught up in the manic media feeding frenzy during the filming of a rare baby rabbit born without ears in a zoo at a place called  Limbach-Oberfrohna somewhere in the wilds of eastern Germany, an overzealous news team cameraman stepped out of line and then on to the defenseless near-celebrity, bringing what would have surely been a far too short career to an even more untimely end.

“He was immediately dead. He didn’t suffer. It was a direct hit. No one could have foreseen this. Everyone here is upset. The cameraman is distraught,” a shocked and stuttering zoo spokesman said again and again and again.

At least he never saw it coming. Or heard it coming, either.

Warum es ohne Ohren auf die Welt kam, ist noch nicht endgültig geklärt. Womöglich handelt es sich um einen genetischen Defekt. “Es kann aber auch sein, dass die Mutter dem Kaninchen die Ohren abgeknabbert hat.”

What’s that guy with the knife want?

Talk about your cruelty to animals.

First  rejected by his mother, then seperated from his ersatz father-keeper at a tender age while getting gawked at by quadrillions of annoying zoo visitors (he was even forced at gunpoint once to take a Vanity Fair cover shot with Leonardo DiCaprio), then turning from a cute and cuddly baby to a grungy teen right there where everybody could watch, then forced to marry a blood relative who doesn’t even speak proper German (they call her Giovanna).

So now? Poor Knut, Berlin’s own. Now German animal rights activists want to cut off his family jewels. Word is that “if they (he and Giovanna) were allowed to breed, the offspring would be prone to genetic abnormalities and liable to illness.”

I’m sure that Knut is wondering now if they couldn’t just be good friends. Unfortunately, he can’t talk.

“A long-term cohabitation between Giovanna and Knut is only feasible if Knut is castrated.”