Berlin: The Future Is Ours

It has to be because the present is kind of, you know, sucky? And we don’t even want to talk about the past.

Berlin

Berlin may have moved ahead a bit in the current ranking of German cities the magazine Wirtschafswoche and the real estate site Immobilienscout 24 put out (it moved up to place 39) but, alas, when it comes to economic power, jobs, real estate and quality of life, its still got a long way to go before it catches up to the winner, The City Whose Name Cannot Be Spoken (Munich).

Die Hauptstadt landet im Städteranking der Wirtschaftswoche und des Immobilien-Portals Immobilienscout 24 wie im Vorjahr auf Platz neun von 69 Großstädten, wenn die Dynamik am Standort gemessen wird. Wird das erreichte Niveau angegeben, kommt Berlin auf Rang 39 und hat sich somit um vier Plätze verbessert.

German Of The Day: Albtraum

That means nightmare. You know, like Nightmare on Elm Street? Or Nightmare at Deutsche Bank?

Deutsche Bank

Read my lips, the usual suspects are saying: Everything is fine, the German government is not preparing a bailout, there have been no secret talks with the chancellor and there is nothing here that needs to be rescued in the first place. Now say that ten times really fast.

The German government denied it was working on a rescue of Deutsche Bank as Germany’s biggest lender boosted its balance sheet by selling its British insurance business on Wednesday.

Deutsche is facing a $14 billion fine from the Department of Justice, and concerns over its funding pushed its shares to a record low on Tuesday and heightened concerns about the health of the financial sector in Europe’s largest economy.

“Die Situation des Konzerns ist viel besser, als sie von außen wahrgenommen wird.”

Double-O-Sieben In Da Hood

Or at least under it.

007

Now we know why we never hear much about German spy activity. First off all, German spies are really easy to recognize because of those dopey hoods they wear. I mean, duh. Like you can see them spying at you a mile away.

And secondly, if any of them do turn out to be any good, they get thrown into jail for tax evasion.

Germany’s answer to James Bond on Monday faced what may prove to be the greatest challenge of his career as he went on trial on charges of tax evasion…

The 76-year-old Mr Werner* has claimed he helped avert a mafia poisoning attempt against Pope Benedict XVI negotiated between Israel and Hamas, and took part in intelligence operations against Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (Isil).

* It’s Mr. Mauss, Telegraph journalists, not Mr. Werner. Mr. Mauss is a way cooler spy name, too.

Ig Noble Deeds That Are Concealed Are Most Esteemed

Perhaps the best-known awardee Thursday night was German car manufacturer Volkswagen, which was handed the Ig Nobel for chemistry, “for solving the problem of excessive automobile pollution emissions by automatically, electromechanically producing fewer emissions whenever the cars are being tested.” No one from the company attended the ceremony to collect the prize, however.

VW

Wer den Schaden hat … VW hat für seine Schummel-Software, die zum Dieselgate geführt hat, von der Harvard-Uni einen Anti-Nobelpreis bekommen.

Plain Talk II?

As Chancellor Merkel stated in yesterday’s post: Migrants without the right to stay (in Germany) should be sent back with determination.

Migrants

Then it’s time for Merkel’s determination nation to get that determination up and running, I guess: Some 550,000 migrants in Germany who have had their asylum requests rejected have still not been deported, according to parliamentary figures cited by a local media outlet.

In Deutschland leben nach Angaben der Bundesregierung fast 550.000 abgelehnte Asylbewerber.

Losing Isn’t Everything II

Talk about a sore loser. One day after the Pirate “bring in the clowns” Party finally gets tossed out of the Berlin Senat for good, one clearly unbalanced Pirate politician poster boy electrocutes himself in his apartment in Berlin Steglitz (otherwise not exactly the most electrifying district in Berlin).

Pirat

It gets even better, though (or worse, depending upon how you look at it). Word is now out that it looks as though he abused and murdered some other dude in his apartment before abusing and murdering himself.

And if that wasn’t shocking enough (shocking, get it?), Berlin’s SPD mayor Michael something or other, after getting reelected – sort of, the SPD having received during Sunday’s election the lowest percentage of votes ever for a “winning” government-forming party in Germany – well, this guy bans the press spokesman lady he just can’t get along with one of the most dreaded, cruel and unusual punishments known in all of Germany itself: Early retirement. The shocking part here? She’s 37. In Social Democracy anything is possible.

Berlin is kind of a wacko place, by the way.

Losing Isn’t Everything

It’s the only thing. If you belong to Angela Merkel’s CDU party these days, that is.

Merkel

But don’t worry. The brainiest ones over at the CDU are putting their heads together at this very moment to figure out were these electoral loses at these recent regional elections are coming from. They’ll figure it out before all too long, I’m sure.

Chancellor Angela Merkel’s party was dealt another blow in a regional election, posting its worst result in Berlin since the end of World War II as the anti-immigration Alternative for Germany extended its challenge to the political establishment by siphoning off voters.

The Social Democrats, Merkel’s junior coalition partner in the national government, won the election for the capital’s state assembly and the chancellor’s Christian Democratic Union finished second. Yet their combined voter share declined by about a quarter, leaving the “grand coalition” of the two biggest parties without a majority to run Germany’s biggest city.

“Sehr bitter.”

German Of The Day: Deutschsein

That means being German.

Deutschsein

And surprisingly, despite all the constant self-chastisement that Germans love to indulge in, the majority of Germans surveyed still feel positive about that. About being German, I mean.

And the latest survey also says: The favorite EU country of 47 percent of Germans asked is… Germany. Way back at second place is Italy with seven percent. Spain comes in third at six percent.

“Ich denke an dichte Fenster! Kein anderes Land kann so dichte und so schöne Fenster bauen.”

Latest Imperial Decree In The Pipeline

Much like the repeated (and ignored) calls for “contingents” of refugees to be fairly distributed across the rest of EU Europe, the Empress of Europe (or at the very least of Germany) has now called on German industry to do more about hiring more refugees right here in Germany itself.

Merkel

“Sheesh. We’ve already hired over a hundred (that’s one one and two zeros),” one irritable spokesman for German blue-chip companies lamented. “From the million or two that came into the country last year that’s, well, a pretty good start. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know. Nor destroyed in a day, for that matter. An empress ought to know this kind of stuff.”

“Given that around 80 percent of asylum seekers are not highly qualified and may not yet have a high level of German proficiency, we have primarily offered jobs that do not require technical skills or a considerable amount of interaction in German.”

Plans Already Well Underway For Next Year’s Last Place Eurovision Showing

For Germany, I mean.

ESC

German producer Stefan Raab has already developed a so-called Vorentscheid or preliminary decision show to let German Eurovision fans experience up close and personal and far in advance just which German act will fall flat on its face in 2017.

A jury of representatives from the German music business has already been selected that will in turn select one unlucky winner to represent the Federal Republic during the international TV song competition as it is systematically shamed, disgraced and humiliated for the third year running at least.

Versteht nur Stefan Raab den ESC?