Kraut EU Commissioner Sorry He Called Chinese Slitty-Eyed

He actually meant to call them Chop Sticks. Or maybe Chinks. Or at the very least Ping Pongs.

Oettnger

What a Herm. This Boxhead Hun needs to get with the times already and call up the Racial Slur Database on that Heinee Handy (smartphone) of his. He is responsible for EU digital policy, after all.

Frei von der Leber, as we say in German.”

Clowns Funny After All

It took me forever to finally get how this creepy clown conspiracy stuff works but now I’m laughing my Hintern (behind) off.

Clowns

I had always found clowns creepy (even the old-school, “normal” kind) and anything but funny but that’s only because nobody had ever explained to me how this works. Once one of these new “horror clowns” shows up to bug you, for instance, you either stab them with a knife or wack them with a hammer. Well that’s how they’re doing it here in Germany. Hardy, har, har! Give me more!

Horror-Clown-Attacke: Junge wehrt sich mit “Hammer Gottes.”

German Of The Day: Sexmonster

That means sex monster.

Sexmonster

But that’s only because this year’s presidential election is a real Schlammschlacht.

German word-compounding really shines: Schlamm means “filth” (with connotations of “slime”), and Schlacht, in addition to meaning “fight,” as it’s used here, also means “slaughter” (which you may remember from Schlachthof-fünf in the Vonnegut classic).

German Of The Day: Rechtspopulistisch

That means right-wing populist. You know, like what the German state TV channel ARD has insisted upon labeling the AfD party up until now?

AfD

This has changed, however. As the head talking head what’s in charge over there (in there?) explains: “The background behind this is the fact that given the latest state elections, the AfD has attained such a high level of recognition that the permanent classification of them through this attribute is no longer necessary in order to make an orientation possible by the viewers.” The proper orientation, I assume he means.

The Pöbel (rabble) has now finally been dutifully informed so the ARD is going to gracefully condescend to move on to the next Umerziehungsmaßnahme (re-education measure) on the list. Whatever that might be. So stay tuned. As if you had a choice.

Hintergrund dieser Vorgehensweise ist die Tatsache, dass die AfD nicht zuletzt aufgrund der zurückliegenden Landtagswahlen einen solch hohen Bekanntheitsgrad erreicht hat, dass es der permanenten Einordnung durch dieses Attribut nicht mehr Bedarf, um den Zuschauerinnen und Zuschauern eine Orientierung zu ermöglichen

Charges Dropped Against German Comedian Because He Wasn’t Being Funny On Purpose

He was only being funny by accident, investigators say, so that’s OK.

Comedy

If he had been funny while trying to be funny on purpose, however, this guy would have been up Scheiße Creek  without a paddle. Germany comedy is no laughing matter, folks.

Prosecutors have been praised in Germany for dropping a criminal probe into a poem perceived as insulting by Turkish President Recep Erdogan. Satirist Jan Böhmermann’s wording unleashed a diplomatic row last April…

In a three-page declaration Thursday, the prosecutors said their investigation had not established a deliberate intent to insult (insult comedy = to be funny, or can be), sufficient to lead to a criminal conviction.

Es ist enorm wichtig für mich als Künstler in solchen Zeiten einen starken, selbstbewussten öffentlich-rechtlichen Sender mit klarer, unabhängiger Haltung hinter sich zu wissen.

Kissing Up To Iran 101

I find it strange how such a super-smart (self-proclaimed, but still) German politician like German economy minister Sigmar Gabriel (SPD), somebody so hot to do business with Iran that his pants are always wet, doesn’t seem to know the first thing about the finer points of diplomacy when it comes to dealing with the mullah state.

Gabriel

Sure, you can always get plus points by promising the Iranians to “remind the United States of the commitment to get to an effective dismantling of sanctions,” but every third grader knows that you can’t give interviews before your visit in which you say that you believe Tehran should recognize the right of Israel to exist. Pretty outrageous Scheiße, huh?

So that is why he is now getting snuffed big time during his current visit. There will be no meeting with Iran’s President Ruhani nor with foreign minister Sarif. The visit planned with parliament president Laridschani has now suddenly been cancelled, Laridschani’s brother commenting to the press “If I had been in the place of the government or foreign office I would never have allowed such a person to enter the country in the first place.”

Other than that, though, German business prospects with Iran are looking really promising.

“Ein normales, freundschaftliches Verhältnis zu Deutschland wird erst dann möglich sein.”

Ig Noble Deeds That Are Concealed Are Most Esteemed

Perhaps the best-known awardee Thursday night was German car manufacturer Volkswagen, which was handed the Ig Nobel for chemistry, “for solving the problem of excessive automobile pollution emissions by automatically, electromechanically producing fewer emissions whenever the cars are being tested.” No one from the company attended the ceremony to collect the prize, however.

VW

Wer den Schaden hat … VW hat für seine Schummel-Software, die zum Dieselgate geführt hat, von der Harvard-Uni einen Anti-Nobelpreis bekommen.

German Of The Day: Deutschsein

That means being German.

Deutschsein

And surprisingly, despite all the constant self-chastisement that Germans love to indulge in, the majority of Germans surveyed still feel positive about that. About being German, I mean.

And the latest survey also says: The favorite EU country of 47 percent of Germans asked is… Germany. Way back at second place is Italy with seven percent. Spain comes in third at six percent.

“Ich denke an dichte Fenster! Kein anderes Land kann so dichte und so schöne Fenster bauen.”

Asylum Seekers Go On Vacation In The Land Of Their Persecution

No, not in Germany. Germany is the place where they get the dough to do that.

Vacation

Then they go back to the land of their persecution to vacation. That’s why they were granted asylum here in the first place. No, not to go on vacation in the land of their persecution. To escape the land of their persecution. Is that so hard to understand? They were being persecuted, see? That’s why they came to Germany. To get the asylum. Then, after they get the dough from the Arbeitsagentur, they go back to the land of their persecution. Or some of them do. But only for a short vacation. That’s allowed or something. Or maybe it isn’t. Hard to say for sure.

Do you get it now? No.  I’m not going to repeat that again. And hell no. Of course I didn’t make any of this up. I don’t have to. Are you persecuting me or something?

Asylberechtigte kehren zu Urlaubszwecken vorübergehend in jenes Land zurück, aus dem sie offiziell geflüchtet sind. Die Bundesagentur für Arbeit bestätigte: „Es gibt solche Fälle.“ Offizielle Erhebungen lägen dazu aber nicht vor.

Germans Just Not Integrating As Planned

Concerned about the huge number of native Germans who are clearly not willing to adapt fast enough to the foreign culture and bizarre new alien ways that hundreds and hundreds of thousands of refugees have brought to their new country, German sociologists are now demanding the introduction of integration courses to help these difficult Germans better assimilate.

Integration

“The motto must be: integration classes for all,” said one sociologist behind this harebrained wackiness I kid you not this is for real, people, I swear. “Integration is not just some snuggle session, you know.”

Integration ist keine Kuschelveranstaltung.