Do The Duck!

March 20, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Libya, Satire 2 Comments

You know, the German Duck Responsibility Dance?

It goes like this: Over 60 percent of Germans asked think that the military intervention in Libya is a good thing. Over 65 percent of the same Germans asked think it’s even better that Germans are shirking their responsibility there.

It can be lonely living on the moral highground sometimes I guess, but who says you can’t have your Kuchen and eat it too?

Deutschland hatte sich bei der Abstimmung im UN-Sicherheitsrat enthalten und schließt einen Einsatz von Bundeswehrsoldaten aus.

Thanks once again, Germany!

March 18, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Libya, Satire, UN 4 Comments

We couldn’t have done it without you. But we did anyway.

“The Obama administration and America’s allies have won an open-ended endorsement from the United Nations for military action in Libya.”

“The administration deserves credit for getting this resolution passed with such strong support,” said a joint statement from Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., John McCain, R-Ariz., and Joe Lieberman, I-Conn.

Five nations abstained from the vote, one of them being America’s ally you-know-wer (who).

Bei der Abstimmung enthielten sich die Vetomächte Russland, China sowie Indien, Brasilien und auch Deutschland (way down on the bottom of the article).

Recent Tough Talk Less Tougher Now

March 17, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Gaddafi, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Liby, No-fly zone, Satire Leave a comment

As expected, Germany has rejected the idea of a no-fly zone over Libya on the grounds that someone (from Germany) might get hurt.

Using standard German anti-non-German-war reasoning, the creation of a no-fly zone would amount to a possible so-called military action which could actually involve so-called attacks against Libyan recent-old-buddy-now-despotic-leader Muammar Gaddafi’s anti-aircraft defenses.

This would be bad enough, for some reason, but worse still would be that these attacks, if unsuccessful, could open the way to an intervention on the ground which Germany would never, ever, ever be a part of anyway, as we all know, so why not just say no to the whole thing right now and get it over with?

French Foreign Minister Alain Juppe said on Wednesday that “only the threat of force can stop Gaddafi”. He said that several Arab states were ready to assist Western military intervention.

“Angst is the German lifeblood”

March 16, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hysteria Tags: Angst, Berlin, Fear, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 5 Comments

Die Zeit: How do you explain this (that Germans “like” to be afraid)?

Henryk M. Broder: I think the Germans have been waiting for their punishment since 1945. If the Allies had been at least a little bit more rigid with them, instead of tossing Mars bars from the sky, then maybe the Germans would be in a slightly better constitution today. They’re always thinking: Something’s still coming, and we deserve it.

He’s joking, of course. But maybe he’s not joking.

Man muss nicht 30.000 Kilometer durch Deutschland fahren, um festzustellen, dass die Deutschen gern Angst haben. Sie haben Angst vor Oberleitungen und unterirdischen Bahnhöfen, vor Dioxin im Frühstücksei und vor der Klimaerwärmung. Letztere ist bekanntlich ein globales Phänomen, aber niemand fürchtet sie so sehr wie die Deutschen. Angst ist das deutsche Lebenselixier.

Geiger Counters Needed Desperately (In Germany)

March 15, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Earthquake, German, Germans, Germany, Japan, Nuclear power 1 Comment

The German news folks have all hightailed it down south to Osaka and are reporting from there (or maybe they’re in Taiwan by now). The German embassy is soon to follow.

Their rescue teams have headed back to Germany after declaring that there is no one left in Japan to be rescued.

And now Geiger counters are selling out like hotcakes. Here in Germany, mind you.

Other than that though, the hysteria is being kept pretty much under control here. For the moment at least.

„Es gibt eine immense Absatzsteigerung. Wir haben in den vergangenen Tagen Hunderte Geräte verkauft.“

German Nuclear Reactors Can’t Withstand 9.0 Quake Either

March 15, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Japan, Nuclear power 2 Comments

No, Germany doesn’t get hit by earthquakes. But it regularly gets hit by seismic waves of extreme and indulgent panic like the one that has just rolled over the country shortly after the monster quake hit Japan.

That is why Angela Merkel has wasted no time in going back on her government’s decision to extend the life of Germany’s nuclear power stations (they’ll think it through again for three months = forever?). Regional elections are coming up in a few weeks and with everyone panicked out of their minds as they are, sicher ist sicher (better to be safe than sorry).

The German Chancellor, who indicated that some plants could be closed faster than expected, said that “everything will be put under review.”

The Next Human Chain (Reaction)

March 14, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Earthquake, German, Germans, Germany, Japan, Nuclear power Leave a comment

When in doubt, get hysterical. Germans are leaving Japan faster than you can say “the shinto has hit the fan.”

Is the situation in Japan a cause for concern? It most certainly is. But we are what we eat in the end, aren’t we? Maybe it’s just me, but if I watch an hour of BBC World coverage on the nuclear power plant situation in Japan, for instance, and then switch over to the German ARD coverage of it, I feel as if I’m now watching coverage from another planet.

BBC: The Japanese seem to be getting a grip on the situation.
ARD: Oh my God we’re all going to die!

And has anyone stopped to notice how stoic and remarkably calm the Japanese are in dealing with all of this?

No matter. Just keep eating whatever it is you eat and we’ll all see how the reporting looks next week. Not that anyone will notice or care or anything, but still.

Nur für die Mitarbeiter am Flughafen scheint die Welt nicht Kopf zu stehen. Sie betreuen lächelnd ihre Kunden, leihen spontan Stifte aus, halten hinter dem Schalter ein Schwätzchen.

Gau-Wow Pow-Wow

March 13, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Nuclear power, Protests 1 Comment

They call it Instrumentalisierung here, or instrumentalisation (exploitation), if your prefer: “To take advantage of a situation, especially unethically or unjustly for one’s own ends.”

Demonstrators in Stuttgart formed a human chain reaching 45km (27 miles) for the protest, planned before the current nuclear crisis in Japan.

Organisers said events in Japan had proved atomic power was an uncontrollable and risky. technology.

Reality Show 2.0

March 11, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, High Art Tags: Berlin, David Lynch, Film, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Movies, Satire Leave a comment

David Lynch (OK, his son) interviewing randomly selected Germans about their randomly selected lives? This ought to make The Blair Witch Project look like Sesame Street.

But I guess that’s the idea behind “Interview Project Germany,” asking real people real questions and then really listening to what they have to say (for real). No bells, no whistles. Just the facts, ma’am. Oh the horror already.

“Viele Leute haben uns ihr Herz ausgeschüttet – manchmal hat es sich so angefühlt, als hätten sie nur auf uns gewartet.”

Cows Still Mad In Germany

March 10, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Health, Heconomy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, BSE, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire Leave a comment

Or angry, at the very least. And wouldn’t you be? After ten long years of taking testing samples from the brains of 21 million cattle in Germany for BSE, scientists have concluded that mad-cow disease maybe sort of never took hold here after all.

But the war must go on. Why is hard to say, but it must. Sicher ist sicher ist sicher (it’s better to be safe than sorry) already. And what’s €150 million a year for a danger to consumers that , uh, hasn’t been a danger to consmers for many years now, if ever at all?

Or as one pissed off medical specialist said: “That is more than twice the budget that all university hospitals have at their disposal for diagnosing infections in their patients.”

Since news of the disease reached Germany, some 15,355 cattle have been killed in so-called stock and cohort culling. All of 12 animals sick with BSE were discovered at German slaughterhouses with the help of rapid tests. The last case was diagnosed five years ago.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Germans