Tag Archives: Pirates

Wayne’s World

September 19, 2011 By in Helections, High Art, History Tags: , , , , , , , , , 7 Comments

Kennst Du Wayne? Wayne es interessiert?

Is anybody here really supposed to care that the Pirate Party, “a party in tune with the Berlin vibe” (and a cheap if not even flakier immitation of the Swedish original) attracted enough votes to win its first ever seats in the Berlin state parliament yesterday?

Nothing aginst Internet freedom activist freaks or anything, I just don’t want to have to deal with them in the non-virtual world like this.

Of course the real news is that the FDP (a real live party from Planet Earth) got tossed out. Hey, Scheiße happens.

And here you thought California was the land of nuts, flakes and fruits.

“Wir werden als erstes auf die Laternen klettern und unsere Plakate wieder runterholen.”

Now all bets are off!

April 17, 2009 By in Hysteria Tags: 2 Comments

Pissed off about being sued by resentful pirates they had elegantly disposed of by dumping them off on clueless Kenyan officials, the Federal Republic of Germany is finally ready to blow its top and have its navy blow the next bunch of pirate punks it accidently runs into in the Gulf of Aden CLEAN out of the water. And they really truly mean it this time honest for real. Or at least they could mean it, maybe.

 

Yo, ho, ho already.

 

“There can only be one answer to pirate attacks like these; their ships must be destroyed on the high seas immediately,” said one furious German politician who has absolutely nichts zu melden (nothing to say in the matter) here. “The navy must finally start using its weaponry.  Any further timidity would only make the German state look ridiculous.”

 

Well there we have it. We certainly wouldn’t want that. So get your popcorn a poppin’, people. This looks like war or something.

 

“Bei Piratenangriffen kann es nur eine richtige Antwort geben: Die Schiffe der Seeräuber müssen auf hoher See unverzüglich versenkt werden”, sagte Uhl. Die Marine müsse endlich ihre Bordwaffen einsetzen, mit weiterer Zaghaftigkeit “macht sich der deutsche Staat nur lächerlich”.

Pirates have rights, too

April 16, 2009 By in Habeas Corpus Tags: 2 Comments

Or at least they think they do when they accidentally get caught by German naval personnel in the Gulf of Aden and then get dumped off in Kenya quicker than you can say “shiver me timbers” (the last things Germans want to do is open up their own private Guantanamo somewhere – where, on Sylt?).

 

 Where's my rum?

 

These are smart pirates, see. They went out and got themselves a German Larry the Lawyer kinda guy who is now suing the German government for any damages and hardships his peg-legged clients may have incurred as a result of getting so rudely arrested und unceremoniously cast away like common criminals like that. And we can only begin to imagine just how considerable that sum is going to be. It will include “material and immaterial damages”, after all. They’re starting out with 10,000 euros, but everybody knows that that’s just chump change and that the blue Kenyan sky is the real limit.

 

„Jeder materielle und immaterielle Schaden, der meinem Mandanten durch die unrechtmäßige Überstellung an Kenia entsteht, muss erstattet werden.“

Kenya will be a wonderful place to try pirates

March 11, 2009 By in Humor Tags: 1 Comment

“Back in Berlin, no one knew what to do at first. It seemed as though the relevant ministries were totally surprised by the unheard-of fact that the soldiers Germany had dispatched to the Gulf of Aden might actually catch some pirates.”

Don't you have a Guantanamo?

“All countries that have dispatched warships to patrol the coast of Somalia are in a difficult legal position as soon as they make arrests.”

 

“There is no logical reason for a Kenyan court to try to convict the suspects.”

What do we do with these guys now?

March 6, 2009 By in Hate Tags: Leave a comment

Open up a detention camp on Sylt? Damn. I’m impressed doch (after all). A German frigate actually stopped a pirate attack off the coast of Somalia and took nine suspects into custody the other day. These guys were considered suspect because German and American helicopter crews caught them attacking a merchant vessal and later when they got busted their rocket-propelled grenade launchers were still smoking pretty good here and there, even though they claimed they were just out fishing, I’m sure.

 

 Yo, ho, ho, me buckos.

 

But what now? What does Germany do now with these icky yucky pirates? Hmmm, could it be that your problems just begin once you capture guys like this red-handed? It sounds familiar somehow, somewhere, sometimes.

 

“First, independent prosecutors in Hamburg need to decide whether the men should face trial in Germany. The German navy has given them all its evidence, and it is now up to them to say whether German interests were at stake during the attack. A specially convened commission, representing Germany’s Interior, Foreign, Defense and Justice ministries, met this week to discuss the legal status of the pirates — hitherto unchartered legal territory.”

But, like, where are all the pirates?

March 1, 2009 By in Humor Tags: 1 Comment

German pirate hunting frigate Karlsruhe is back from its pirate hunting expedition on the Horn of Africa, safe and sound, just like the pirates it had been hunting.

 

Yo, ho, ho, me buckos!

 

Everyone is thrilled because this was an historic mission or something. Apparently it was a first here, what one calls a “combat operation” in the military.

 

“Es ist das erste Mal, dass man sagen kann, es war ein Kampfeinsatz.”