Tag Archives: Humor

Now we know why Germans don’t want any kids

February 15, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: , , , , , , , 5 Comments

It’s because they don’t want any kids.

Sure, there are more specific “reasons,” but they are all vorgeschoben (phoney), whether the people giving them actually believe them or not. Like how in the latest survey two-thirds of childless couples asked actually want to have children but their financial situation, say, is too precarious or having kids would make their lives even more stressful than they already are, boo, hoo, blah, blah.

This all makes sense, sort of. As we all know, the human kind has never had children when the financial situation was precarious or the situation was stressful, right? Whatever.

No, they know perfectly well why they don’t want any children. 1) Once you have a kid it’s no longer about ME, MYSELF and I anymore and 2) Once you have a kid you would then actually be expected to take responsibility for it YOURSELF (even in Germany, well, for the most part). And taking responsibility for things just doesn’t cut the Kuchen around the country here these days.

79 Prozent finden den Alltag auch ohne Kinder bereits anstrengend genug,

Ghost of Madonna Haunts City

February 14, 2011 By in High Art Tags: , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Her career having died long ago, residents of Berlin, of all places, have for several nights running found themselves subjected to a series of ghostly encounters with the ethereal non-being of “the Queen of Pop.”

One visitor to the Asphalt Club became terrified when she accidentally captured a ghostly apparition that resembled a woman dressed in black on her phone’s camera. The incident happened while snapping images of herself in a mirror in the lady’s room. When she returned home later that morning, she viewed the pictures and was stunned to see the gruesome phantom in one of the frames, clearly recognizable as Madonna, circa 1993.

Other witnesses saw the spooky specter wandering aimlessly along Potsdamer Platz, accosting  bystanders and asking them if anyone had seen her “baby,” twenty four-year-old boy toy Brahim Zaibat.

No one can explain why the brazen banshee is here right now and no one can say for sure just how much longer these hideous visions can last, but one zombie expert here believes that once this year’s Berlinale is finally over, this Spuk, as the Germans say, too shall pass.

Hardline German ECB Presidential Candidates Dropping Like Flies

February 13, 2011 By in Heconomy Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

After Bundesbank President Axel Weber threw in the towel, crusty old Peer Steinbrueck said don’t even think about asking.

A hardliner on monetary policy matters, Weber has been at odds with several European governments since the outbreak of the eurozone debt crisis.

He vehemently opposed the ECB buying the bonds of debt-stricken peripheral eurozone nations as part of a concerted strategy to calm down the markets.

His public criticism of an ECB council decision in May, 2010, to buy the bonds had angered several EU leaders.

This will be just like Daimler-Chrylser!

February 11, 2011 By in Heconomy Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

Only better. Or even better, I should say (meaning even worse).

Deutsche Börse Eyes Takeover of New York Stock Exchange

“The listed exchanges are losing market share dramatically,” former NYSE director Ken Langone said on CNBC, calling the proposed deal a “big yawn.” “With electronic trading that is now prevalent throughout the industry, it seems to me the only sense for the merger is to cut costs faster than their market share goes down.”

Miserable Management Booming Too

February 10, 2011 By in Hard Facts, Heconomy Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

And you thought your boss was lousy And I’m sure she is.

Whopee! The German economy is booming and everything is Friede, Freude und Eierkuchen (peace, love and harmony), right? Well that’s what German managers will tell you these days. German employees appear to see the situtation a bit more differenziert (nuanced). Just ask this lady down here.

Gallop tells us that German workers are anything but highly motivated in these booming economic times in which we, or at least they, now live. Some 66 percent of those surveyed say they only do Dienst nach Vorschrift (they only work to rule, they don’t give any effort more than absolutely necessary) and have very little emotional commitment to their company. About one fifth (21 percent) of the workforce have already quit “innerly” and feel no emotional commitment to their company at all.

German bosses suck really bad, in other words.

And now you have the rest of the story.

Fast die Hälfte der Angestellten (46 Prozent), die innerlich bereits gekündigt haben, haben im vergangenen Jahr aufgrund ihres Vorgesetzten daran gedacht, ihr Unternehmen zu verlassen. Nahezu ebenso viele (45 Prozent) würden ihren Chef mit sofortiger Wirkung entlassen, wenn sie denn könnten.

The New Narrative

February 8, 2011 By in Habitudes, History, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

Ever read The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable by Nassim Nicholas Taleb?

It covers a whole lot of stuff but what really interested me was his handling of history. It really struck a chord with me. History is basically a series of improbable and completely unpredictable events. There is no “flow” to it, at least not that we can recognize, we only see these periodic erruptions (kind of like earthquakes or sudden volcanic erruptions) that come out of nowhere and are therefore unforseeable.

What we then do, however (we are human and simply demand an explanation), is quickly assign them meaning, a new narrative in the broader narrative we had made up before. We don’t have an explanation but we pretend that we do. And THEN, strangest of all, we quickly delude ourselves into thinking that the given event was actually predictable, that the people who lived through it somehow knew it was going to happen, or should have.

Think 9/11, the fall of the Berlin Wall, Hitler, World War I, etc. Get the “flow” now?

Anyway, when it comes to Egypt, we’ve already passed the narrative stage and Egypt isn’t finished being Egypt yet.

Suddenly it seems everyone knew all along that President Mubarak was a villain and the US, who supported him until recently, was even worse.

Mubarak taken ill

February 7, 2011 By in Helplessness Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

The very thought of flying off to a luxury health clinic in Germany for a “prolonged health check” makes him sick to his stomach.

Although perhaps an elegant face-saving way for him to leave Egypt and maybe maintain relative order there for a longer transition (should he resign immediately, according to the Egyptian constitution, new elections would have to be held within 60 days), Mubarak cringes at the thought of the all too thorough and prolonged examinations German doctors will put him through once they get hold of him. When you’re a private patient like him over here, they really go hog wild too. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.

Das Thema habe demnach auch bei den Gesprächen von Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel mit US-Außenministerin Hillary Clinton am Wochenende in München keine Rolle gespielt.

Talk about being frauenfeindlich

February 4, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus Tags: , , , , , , , 4 Comments

You know, anti-women? First Angela Merkel rejects quotas for women in senior management positions as suggested by her lady politician buddy Labor Minister Ursula von der Leyen (funny how women always have to bicker around with each other like that). Then the state of Hesse prohibits burqas at work for public employees.

Of course rumor has it that the burqa lady (or her master and commander religious husband who calls all the shots) may have only threatened to have her wear the thing to finagle a severance package from her employer bacause “it refuses to allow employees to come to work with completely enshrouded bodies,” for some strange reason, but that’s just a rumor, like I said. Religious folks wouldn’t behave that way.

“Civil service employees and those who come into contact with citizens should not be veiled.”