Tag Archives: Language

Is it Newspeak or Newsspeak?

September 10, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

The Fukushima worst case scenario has now actually happened, in Germany. And the Fukushima worst case scenario is that the Fukushima worst case scenario never happened. Sometimes the truth raises it’s ugly and pointy little head, even here. Only for a second or two, but still.

I read the news today, oh boy. And not that any of you out there really care or anything, but I discovered that even journalists with the best of politically correct intentions can screw up from time to time. In this case it was in a Zeit article entitled Stress und Strahlung (Stress and Radiation) by Hans Schuh*. It was about how, well, something called “psychosocial stress” resulting from the Fukushima incident will now be producing more victims than the radiation did (I think he meant in Japan because psychosocial stress victims have been dropping like flies here in Germany for months now).

Like duh, Hans. Something has to produce victims when the “Super-GAU” everyone was banking on never materialized, right?

My favorite line in the article: In hindsight it has been revealed that with regard to one aspect of the accident’s occurance the world community (he actually means Germany here, of course) was taken in by an error: The “worst case scenario in the fuel cooling basin” never took place.

I’ve got to know, folks: How on earth did this ever get past the Brain Police?

I know how. “The people” will automatically understand that the worst case scenario took place anyway, sort of, irgendwie. They have long been aware of the fact that their reality must be made to comply with your/our ideologically motivated fear agenda, so it ain’t no big thing, this one little slip-up. This type of thing only makes Newspeak stronger, I think, although I can’t claim to be fluent in it yet myself.

Im Rückblick offenbart sich auch, dass die Weltgemeinde in Bezug auf das Unfallgeschehen zumindest in einem Punkt einem Irrtum aufgessen ist: Der “GAU im Abklingbecken”, der global Schlagzeilen machte fand gar nicht statt.”

* You won’t be finding this article online for some reason. I guess it’s not fit for the masses just yet.

News Alert! Here’s the article after all. They publish these online a little later, I guess.

“Handy” finally verboten!

December 30, 2010 By in Helplessness, Higher Education, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , 3 Comments

It’s about freakin’ time somebody got rid of that awful “English” word–and all those other so-called English words and phrases that Germans are always throwing around here so disrespectfully as if they were, I dunno, English or something.

Every time I accidentally use the word handy in English conversation (with other native speakers who don’t speak German, I mean) they look at me as if I had just arrived from Mars.

Germany’s Transport Minister Peter Ramsauer has finally struck a blow for German (and English) language preservation by enforcing a ban in his ministry on the use of what Germans working there think are English words and phrases.

Handy is one of them, like I said. Another favorite of mine that I hear in Berlin all the time is Coffee Togo. Well that’s how they pronounce it. I swear. Apparantly many Berliners are actually convinced that the coffee you can now get in those portable styrofoam cups to take along with you is from the country of Togo.

Another good one is life. You know, as in “Life Show?”

Or how about Pizza Hut? Many Germans pronounce it as the Transport Minister would expect them to and actually think that the place is called Pizza Hat.

So knock yourself out, Herr Ramsauer. Help preserve my language. You can crack down on abuse like this as often and as hard as you think necessary. Please. I mean, bitte.

Gegen den Mainstream zu leben, kann schließlich ganz schön in sein.

“Thank you for travelling with Deutsche Bahn”

September 13, 2010 By in Habitudes, Helplessness Tags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

And now, for the rest of you out there rolling your eyes at the conductor’s English, he’ll start speaking your lingo again. And he won’t have to sound so friendly-like all the time either.

Everyone is relieved it seems (me included) at the Bahn’s plan to reduce the number of their annoying announcements – in English. They will now only be, uh, announcing them on trains and at stations where international travellers are more likely to be (so they can better figure out together what the hell it was the announcer just said?). They won’t be talking English at folks on trains going to Kleksdorf or Entenhausen anymore, in other words.

It’s not so much that these folks don’t always speak English that well you know, it’s just that they won’t stop speaking it. Back to the future, I say – I mean past, at last.

Eingeführt hatte der bundeseigene Konzern die englischen Durchsagen – über deren Aussprache sich manch ein Passagier auch amüsierte – auf Schienen und an größeren Stationen 2006 zur Fußball-Weltmeisterschaft in Deutschland.

A language of ideas?

February 25, 2010 By in High Art, History Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

German? Whose idea was that? Keine Ahnung. A language of ideas maybe, but not of very much action.

Anyways, according to man-spricht-Deutsch-Guido Westerwelle, German “is the key to more than 350 German universities and colleges, to Europe’s largest economy. It grants access to German literature, music, philosophy, and science, to the wealth of great European cultural traditions and, not least, it is the key to realizing one’s own goals and ideas.”

That’s true, I guess. Sort of. But let’s be honest, Guido. German is also the key to more than 350 German universities and colleges that nobody wants to attend, it grants access to German literature that nobody wants to read anymore, to German music that, well OK (the old stuff was pretty good) and to German philosophy that’s not much more than high speed mysticism if you ask me (which you’re not). I don’t know what German science is so I’ll just assume that it’s really cool. And if you have to learn German just to know what your own goals and ideas are, then they’re probably not worth knowing in the first place. But maybe that’s just me.

“In Deutschland ist es üblich, dass man Deutsch spricht.”

Who remembers the Uncola?

January 19, 2010 By in Habitudes Tags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Well the Germans have an Unword, so there. Only they call it Unwort. And this year’s winner (they really mean loser) is Betriebsrastverseucht (works council (think unions)  contaminated).

How shocking or something. This is a real “sprachlicher Tiefpunkt” (linguistic low point), man. Talk about being politically incorrect. Who could ever get the idea that works councils in Germany could ever possibly contaminate anything? Whether they wanted to or not, I mean. Other than the general mood, I mean, which is always pretty lousy here to begin with anyway so like who cares? Just stop and think about it: If there weren’t any work councils here, uh, there wouldn’t be any works councils here. And that would lead to, uh, well, further or even real contamination. The whole nation would become contaminated, so-to-speak. You know, a contamination.

So clean up your act and stop using awful Unwords like that. These are not cola nuts. They`re the other kind.

Die Wahrnehmung von Arbeitnehmerinteressen als Seuche zu bezeichnen, sei ein sprachlicher Tiefpunkt im Umgang mit Lohnabhängigen.

Obama doesn’t mispronounce nuclear

April 8, 2009 By in Hypocrisy Tags: 3 Comments

But he does think that Austrian is a language. Funny how things like that don’t matter anymore, don’t you think? Well they don’t over here. But, then again, Germans don’t speak Austrian, either. They’re just less apologetic about it.

 

“If you read FactCheck.org (or have ears and a brain) it is apparent that Mr. Obama makes just as many mistakes/tell lies as the dearly departed Mr. Bush. Is there a point at which you expect the naive, bright-eyed young things that voted for Mr. Obama to transition into becoming mean, angry cynics like me? If so, when will this occur? Or am I mistakenly assuming these kids are even paying attention anymore?”

 

“I don’t speak Austrian.”