We never get tired of being admired

January 28, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Berlin, Davos, Economy, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire Leave a comment

Yeah, Herr Brüderle, you guys are the best thing since sliced toast. You’ve done everything right, right?

But please, enjoy it now, while you still can, fast. Because here’s what might just happen next: Mr. Sarkozy putting your money where his mouth is (“Germany and France will never let the euro fail) and your temper tantrum behind the scenes at Davos might be an indication that you have already been pushed down the road you didn’t think you would have to travel:Spending whatever it takes to bankroll your near-bankrupt euro neighbors.

And should it come to that, let’s see how much admiration you’ll be getting from German taxpayers back home.

Germany is getting boxed into a corner. Somehow, the ideas that the bailout-funding European Financial Stability Facility needs to be much bigger, that it should buy government debt, and that the interest rates charged on aid need slashing, have all dodged Frankfurt opposition and moved to the top of the bond market’s agenda.

How poor (poorly paid) are Berliners?

January 27, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Unemployment Leave a comment

The latest statistics say that they’re the poorest in the land. Nearly a quarter of all Berlin households have to get by on roughtly 1100 euros (about $1,500) per month.

So If you’re looking for rotten work that’s grossly underpaid, Berlin is like, I dunno, El Dorado or something. No skills required, either. Come on down!

And money isn’t everything, of course. Unless you don’t have any, I mean.

Das passt ins Bild von der „armen“ Hauptstadt und hat vor allem mit der hohen Arbeitslosigkeit zu tun. Sie liegt in Berlin bei 12,8 Prozent – so hoch wie in keinem anderen Bundesland. Mehr als 600.000 Menschen beziehen Sozialtransfers.

Germans in Davos: We’re not close-fisted because we want to be

January 26, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy Tags: Davos, Euro, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 3 Comments

We’re close-fisted because it’s one of our defining national obsessive compulsive disorders and the one over which we have the least control.

When it comes to the euro crisis, Germany is about to be slapped around a bit by some folks at the Davos World Economic Forum for not being willing to make more money available than it already has. There is not enough money in circulation in Europe, they believe, yet this is necessary for certain ailing economies to be able to crawl back out into growth again.

Germany’s critics also believe that more money needs to be set aside for the European “safety chute” fund, something Germany steadfastly refuses to do. This extra capital would convince financial market investors that the euro is properly “covered.”

Needless to say, the Germans will listen politely and refuse to budge an inch, their fists tightening automatically, close-fistedness being one of their defining national obsessive compulsive disorders and the one over which they have the least control.

What can I say? This is New Europe, people. Germany does what it wants and everybody else here has to like it.

Für die deutsche Delegation geht es in diesem Jahr nicht so gemütlich zu wie üblich.

Remember when it was European Germany?

December 21, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, History, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, EU, Euro, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire Leave a comment

Now it’s German Europe.

Huh? Where did this come from all of a sudden? Out of the blue like that?*

It was another “good day for Europe” when, as usual, nothing was actually resolved during the latest EU summit the other day, other than the fact that that nothing had a big Made in Germany stamp on it. The times they are a changed. The country that used to moan about being the paymaster for so long (and still does, of course, don’t get me wrong) is now “the taskmaster of the entire community” and doesn’t even have the decency to make a secret about it anymore.

But don’t complain about it, my (as in Germany’s) fellow Europeans. This is only what the “fathers of Europe” had envisioned right from the start. Think of what Jean Monnet had to say about the plan, for instance:

He wanted to guide European countries into a super-state “without their people understanding what is happening. This can be accomplished by successive steps, each disguised as having an economic purpose.”

I admit that this wasn’t quite the purpose he had envisioned but, well, now you “have the salad,” as the Germans like to say (the fat is in the fire). It doesn’t really matter that Berlin has a lack of vision when it comes to dealing with the current euro crisis, Germany calls the shots now and doesn’t need a vision if it doesn’t want one. So get used to it already.

“This is all about Germany, and it’s all about the end of the German appetite for writing checks to the periphery of Europe.”

*Have any of you ever read Philip K. Dick’s The Man in the High Castle? Germany and Japan win World War II. This is kind of like that.

You’ll do it my way

December 16, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness Tags: Berlin, EU, Euro, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 4 Comments

Or it’s the highway. Does that summit up enough for you, Freunde?

Let us sing.

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain

No, wait. This verse is better.

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention

No, maybe this one instead.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you know
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

“The defiant stand came as Moody’s issued a downgrade warning on Spain owing to “high refinancing needs in 2011″ and the risk of further bank bail-outs.”

It’s passé, José

December 12, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Cancun, Climate Change, German, Germans, Germany, Global warming, Humor, Satire 8 Comments

Remember when hysterical warnings about the approaching climate catastrophe used to be en vogue here in Germany? You remember, long, long ago. Like during that near-snowed-out UN climate summit held in Copenhagen last year? That’s all passé now, for some inexplicable reason. And I, for one, really miss all the brouhaha.

The media here barely even bothered to cover the latest doomed UN climate summit, this time held in Cancun, Mexico, I think. The little coverage you could find was so drab, so pragmatic, so, I don’t know, so businesslike, it put you right to sleep. Well it did me.

Like where did all the fire go? Not a single riot anywhere. Where’s all the hybris and the hype? Whatever happened to those drowning polar bears and ticking clocks and time bombs and other highly dramatic life and death symbolic scenarios (scenario symbolics?)? Sure, I know, time has actually run out for us already. Copenhagen was the last chance (or was it Kyoto?), and yet the snow, I mean show must still go on, mustn’t it? But what do we get now? Now all anybody wants to talk about are emission certificates. Emission certificates and business opportunities. Pitiful. I remember when our planet’s future used to be at stake. Now the only thing at stake is “multilateralism.” Boooring.

Mad? You bet I’m mad, mister. It’s disgusting, I tell ya. I’m disillusioned (have you been dis-illusioned yet?). It’s freakin’ UN climate summits like these that give global warming a bad name.

“Climate change itself is changing — from an existential danger to civilization into an opportunity for profit.”

Talk to the hand

December 8, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness Tags: Berlin, E-Bonds, EU, Eurozone, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 1 Comment

“They are rejecting an idea before studying it.” What else is new, Jean-Claude? Remember Iraq? The Germans said no to that before even being asked.

Eurogroup chairman Jean-Claude Juncker “launched a blistering attack” on Germany for its flat refusal to even consider his proposal to create eurozone bonds (“E-Bonds” would help weaker eurozone members raise money). He called the Germans “un-European.” Ouch. It doesn’t get much lower than that, people. Unless it’s “un-Southern European” maybe. Lower, get it?

Too bad he mixed up Merkel & Co. with somebody who gives a Scheiße. Just get used to it, Jean-Claude. And you just keep raising your hand as often as you like.

“This is very strange. This way of creating taboo areas in Europe and not dealing with others’ ideas is a very un-European way of dealing with European matters.”

Westerwelle in Iraq: “We want to send a signal”

December 5, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Iraq, Satire Leave a comment

And the signal is: We think it’ll be safe enough for us now to start making money down there again.

German Foreign Minister Guido Westerwelle made a surprise visit to Baghdad on Saturday, calling for more economic engagement in that country (he means of the German kind), which really isn’t much of a surpise, if you ask me.

In particular, a bilateral deal on the protection of investments is expected to be signed with Industry Minister Fawzi Hariri, with the new accord helping improve “economic and legal conditions for German companies” working in Iraq.

Geld ist doch für alle da

December 2, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Hypocrisy Tags: Banks, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, The Fed, The Federal Reserve 2 Comments

There’s money here for everybody. Remember the financial crisis? Long, long ago (in Germany)?

It seems that the Federal Reserve’s emergency loan programs really helped out a lot after all–German banks, that is. Hey, what’s a few trillion among friends?

Deutsche Banken haben das Förderprogramm der US-Notenbank inmitten der Finanzkrise kräftig genutzt.

“Deutschland macht dabei auch ein gutes Geschäft”

November 30, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Berlin, Crisis, EU, Euro, Eurozone, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire Leave a comment

Germany is also getting a good bargain in the deal.

What deal you ask? You know, the one the Germans love moaning about so much at the Stammtisch (regulars’ table) these days: How poor Germany has to bail everbody out in Europe (Greece, Ireland, who’s next?) and how said poor Germans are poor victims yet again and blah, blah, tra, la, boo, hoo, hoo.

But there’s always a rest of the story.

Sure, the Germans have to “contribute” the most to this way cool European rescue parachute that keeps getting pulled these days, but they also have the most to gain if everything goes right.

How so? Some call it, I don’t know, refinancing. They borrow the money on the bond market for 3 percent and then loan it to the Greeks and the Irish (and the next folks to come along) for 5.8 percent. If these countries die Kurve kriegen (turn the corner), then the money comes rolling back in–and a big sweet profit to boot.

So dry your eyes over there at the Stammtisch already and take a deep breath after you order your next beer. Es wird alles gut. Everything will turn out good in the end. Maybe even real good.

“Wer sich selbst am Anleihemarkt für knapp drei Prozent refinanziere und an Krisenländer wie Griechenland und Irland Kredite zu einem Zinssatz von 5,8 Prozent ausreiche, könne selbst ordentliche Gewinne einstreichen.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Heconomy