Fukushima Out, Ozone In

April 6, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 1 Comment

The Fukushima crisis fading into the sunset as it must, temporary ersatz crises are now being brought into play regularly in the not-so-vain hope of keeping the German national hysteria level unusually high, which isn’t all that unusual if you stop to think about it, really.

Today’s state of emergency was triggered by reported ozone layer depletion in the Arctic. Germany is now in a state of “ozone alarm” after UN scientists have determined that the Arctic’s ozone layer thickness has reached an alaming level and could cause in Germany, among other things, a mysterious medical condition known here as Sonnenbrand (burn of the sun or “sunburn”).

And I quote here, sort of: “The Arctic experiences ozone layer depletion seasonally up to around 30 percent. But this year’s unusual combination of extremely cold temperature in the stratosphere and the increase in the CFCs from refrigeration and aerosol sprays have caused a new record-high of 40 percent depletion.”

I don’t know, man. How did Commander Cody used to put it?

One drink of wine, two drinks of gin…
And I’m lost in the ozone again.

Erreichen sie (Schichten mit ozonarmer Luft) bewohnte Gebiete, droht Menschen, die im nun beginnenden Frühling die Sonne genießen wollen, unvermutet ein Sonnenbrand.

PS: They found their balls again. Now they know how many balls it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

Nein, Danke! We’ll import nuclear energy instead!

April 5, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Fukushima, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Japan, Nuclear energy, Satire 5 Comments

This is where the European unity part comes in, I guess (and the electricity still has to come out of the Dose/wall socket somehow, doesn’t it?).

Ever since the nuclear power plant moratorium has kicked in, Germany has begun importing more foreign energy than it exports, most of this having been generated at French nuclear power plants. This is where the ideological wheels hit the road, people. Are we having Realpolitik yet?

It’s typically German somehow: Loudly wash your hands of the matter while letting someone else do the dirty work for you.

And speaking of Realpolitik, I can’t wait until the “paying for all of this” part kicks in. There won’t be a moratorium on that one. It won’t be too long until the next wave of hysteria hits the fan again, in other words.

Davon profitieren vor allem französische AKW.

What’s the big deal?

April 3, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Hostages, Humor, Iran, Satire, Terrorism 3 Comments

The Germans always wheel and deal like this.

German Foreign Minister Guido Westerwelle not only personally brought back two German hostages to Berlin after personally meeting with El Presidente Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in February, he and other German government officials personally saw to it that the German central bank personally provide assistance to India in an oil deal with Iran as payoff for the hostage release. Nothing personal.

So deal with it already.

The sources say the German government approved the Bundesbank’s help in the Iranian-Indian transaction in exchange for the release of the two prisoners.

More German Solidarity Soldifiying As We Speak

March 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Embargo, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Libya, NATO, Satire 1 Comment

You’ve got to hand it to them. The Germans are consistent, at least.

Germany has withdrawn its four vessels from NATO operations in the Mediterranean because NATO has finally announced that it will support the no-fly zone over Libya by monitoring sea traffic in the region, this to include intercepting any vessels suspected of carrying illegal arms or mercenaries to that country.

Normally Feuer und Flamme (full of enthusiasm) for things like arms embargos (if German arms aren’t involved), the Germans don’t like this particular one because, well, they would actually be involved in it. And worse still, this mission permits the use of force if necessary, something the German navy could never ever bring itself to do, ever. Never. So they’ll pass again, thank you.

Mr Rasmussen at NATO: “All allies are committed to meet their responsibilities under the United Nations resolution to stop the intolerable violence against Libyan civilians.”

Fossil Fools

March 21, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Japan, Nuclear energy, Puns, Satire 3 Comments

In Japan, we have seen mighty tectonic shifts, with tragic effects. In Germany, teutonic plates have been swirling around uncontrollably, and the country has undergone a nuclear U-turn at the hand of Angela Merkel, the normally iconically-cool Chancellor.

But now for something completely different: German energy puns.

Boy I tell ya, when it comes to shutting down nuclear power plants these Germans really know what’s watt.

I just heard all the German nuclear physicists have gone fission.

I guy I talked to says that now that they’ve shut down all these nuclear plants they’re gonna re-fuse to start them back up again.

Green? Why Germans are so green these days that they’ve resorted to planting light bulbs. They want to see if power plants will grow.

You know why wind power is so popular in this country? It has a lot of fans.

You know what they are going to call a power failure here pretty soon, don’t you? A current event.

I ran into this silly old German Green the other day. Man, talk about a fossil fool.

During the past week, the Germans have not set a good example, casting away logic and apparently deciding future energy policy on the basis of an emotional spasm rather than a clearly-thought out strategy.

Do The Duck!

March 20, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Libya, Satire 2 Comments

You know, the German Duck Responsibility Dance?

It goes like this: Over 60 percent of Germans asked think that the military intervention in Libya is a good thing. Over 65 percent of the same Germans asked think it’s even better that Germans are shirking their responsibility there.

It can be lonely living on the moral highground sometimes I guess, but who says you can’t have your Kuchen and eat it too?

Deutschland hatte sich bei der Abstimmung im UN-Sicherheitsrat enthalten und schließt einen Einsatz von Bundeswehrsoldaten aus.

Thanks once again, Germany!

March 18, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Libya, Satire, UN 4 Comments

We couldn’t have done it without you. But we did anyway.

“The Obama administration and America’s allies have won an open-ended endorsement from the United Nations for military action in Libya.”

“The administration deserves credit for getting this resolution passed with such strong support,” said a joint statement from Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., John McCain, R-Ariz., and Joe Lieberman, I-Conn.

Five nations abstained from the vote, one of them being America’s ally you-know-wer (who).

Bei der Abstimmung enthielten sich die Vetomächte Russland, China sowie Indien, Brasilien und auch Deutschland (way down on the bottom of the article).

Recent Tough Talk Less Tougher Now

March 17, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Gaddafi, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Liby, No-fly zone, Satire Leave a comment

As expected, Germany has rejected the idea of a no-fly zone over Libya on the grounds that someone (from Germany) might get hurt.

Using standard German anti-non-German-war reasoning, the creation of a no-fly zone would amount to a possible so-called military action which could actually involve so-called attacks against Libyan recent-old-buddy-now-despotic-leader Muammar Gaddafi’s anti-aircraft defenses.

This would be bad enough, for some reason, but worse still would be that these attacks, if unsuccessful, could open the way to an intervention on the ground which Germany would never, ever, ever be a part of anyway, as we all know, so why not just say no to the whole thing right now and get it over with?

French Foreign Minister Alain Juppe said on Wednesday that “only the threat of force can stop Gaddafi”. He said that several Arab states were ready to assist Western military intervention.

“Angst is the German lifeblood”

March 16, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hysteria Tags: Angst, Berlin, Fear, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 5 Comments

Die Zeit: How do you explain this (that Germans “like” to be afraid)?

Henryk M. Broder: I think the Germans have been waiting for their punishment since 1945. If the Allies had been at least a little bit more rigid with them, instead of tossing Mars bars from the sky, then maybe the Germans would be in a slightly better constitution today. They’re always thinking: Something’s still coming, and we deserve it.

He’s joking, of course. But maybe he’s not joking.

Man muss nicht 30.000 Kilometer durch Deutschland fahren, um festzustellen, dass die Deutschen gern Angst haben. Sie haben Angst vor Oberleitungen und unterirdischen Bahnhöfen, vor Dioxin im Frühstücksei und vor der Klimaerwärmung. Letztere ist bekanntlich ein globales Phänomen, aber niemand fürchtet sie so sehr wie die Deutschen. Angst ist das deutsche Lebenselixier.

More Miserable Management

March 7, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Boss, Bosses, Economy, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Management, Satire 2 Comments

In Germany, I mean.

I just wanted to share these highly German on-the-job motivational sayings with you, for no particular reason.

“Bread molds. Shit stinks. What can you do?”

“I’d like to go on vacation the way that you go to work.”

“I don’t have problems, I have employees.”

“Please shut the door. Or can’t you do that either?”

“Regular failure is also a form of reliability.”

“Ich kann Sie nur auf den Topf setzen. Drücken müssen Sie alleine.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Habitudes