Everything Is So Wonderfulawful Here

June 27, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Health, Helplessness, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Boom, Economics, Economy, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Psychology, Satire 1 Comment

Things have never been better here in Germany, we are told. And yet the German nation still can’t seem to get up off the collective couch (the psychiatrist’s kind).

This guy has an interesting take on Germany’s latest “season of angst” or why a prosperous nation has this obsessive need to turn on itself (and those around it).

His bewilderment is uncalled for however, I find. I can only wonder why he wonders. The Germans were, are and always will be collectively schizophrenic, in their own peculiar (cute?) little way. They are permanently krankgeschrieben (off sick) and that couch is, well, where they live.

Yet it is very hard to find anyone here who is happy about this state of affairs. Unlike the great Rhineland industrial booms of the 1950s and 1970s, this one is provoking Germans to turn against their government, against Europe, against technology and growth, against outsiders. It is an inward-looking, self-questioning moment in a country that the rest of Europe very badly needs to be involved in affairs outside its borders.

German Recycling Destroying Umwelt

June 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Hi-tech, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Bottles, Environment, Freedom, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Humor, Recycling, Robots, Satire 3 Comments

Bad consumer! Environmental groups are alarmed and warning that the entire German reusable bottle system as we know it may soon be on the verge of collapse. And it’s all because of you, ihr Flaschen (“you bottles,” a German idiom for losers). You’re recyling the wrong bottles (the plastic ones, these are “bad”).

Horror of horrors or something. Just when Big Green Brother finally got you to robotically return your bottles to the reusable bottle robots located at your local supermarket, like you should, for your own good, you start buying more plastic returnables (thinking that these are as “good” as good old glass ones), causing the share of environmentally friendly bottles in circulation to sink from 70 to 50 percent. If this continues, the whole system will become “unprofitable,” whatever that means.

It seems that Fearless Leader’s five-year plan actually called for a percentage of 80 percent of environmentally friendly bottles to be in circulation so you have all failed miserably and will now have to be reprogrammed at your own cost again so that you know better and start buying the good glass recyclable bottles instead. And returning them to the robots (the machine ones). After you have emptied them, I mean (the bottles). Ah, the hell with it. They’ll explain it all to you better later.

Eine bessere Kennzeichnung und ökologisch differenzierte Steuer werden verlangt.

Soccer Really Is A Woman’s Sport

June 21, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, History, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: Football, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Michael Ballack, Satire, Soccer, Sports 3 Comments

Former Germany captain Michael Ballack stepped up his sharp criticism of Germany coach Joachim Loew, saying he had already decided to quit the national team when Loew announced that the player had no future with the side.

The 34-year-old former Chelsea midfielder said on Sunday that he wanted to announce the decision himself.

Ballack and the German football federation (DFB) have been trading barbs ever since Loew made the announcement on Thursday.

Meanwhile…

The octopussies. The men, I mean.

“We agreed that I would make the announcement myself during the summer break.”

Skippy is approaching the Hauptstadt!

June 17, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hustle (Hoax), Hysteria Tags: Animals, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Kangaroos, Satire 4 Comments

Germans are always finding wild animals that don’t belong in their natural German habitat. It’s just what they do.

The other day it was racoon attacks in the Government Quarter. Last October it was a mysterious black panther monster in Trier. Then there are the obligitory annual alligator/crocodile sightings. Now it’s a freakin’ kangaroo in Brandenburg.

I’m still waiting for the pink elephants, though. What is it with this Extrawurst (being something special) mentality here? Why can’t they just tell fish stories and get abducted by aliens like everybody else does?

Die Spur verlor sich dann. Es gebe bisher keine Hinweise, woher das Tier stammt oder wem es gehört.

A Country Named Sue

June 14, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Heconomy, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Atomic energy, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Humor, Nuclear Phaseout, Nuclear power, Satire 4 Comments

You sue, I sue, we all do (sue). And here I thought Germany was the land of Konsens (consensus – not common sense). At least when it comes to doing this nuclear phaseout thang, I mean. Fooled again.

OK, it is logical and predictable that Germany’s power companies now have hurt feelings and are preparing to take legal action against the government’s decision to shut down their nuclear power plants because, well, the government is shutting down their nuclear power plants.

But what about all the thousands of lawsuits being prepared by power-line, wind energy and other regional resistance group apponents the nation over set to flood the lawsuit market once these big honkin’ power-line thingies start going up? You know, the power-lines that will transport the good offshore wind farm energy from the north to the bad industrial south?

Why can’t we (as in you) learn to live together in simple peace and harmony? Now that the nuclear power dragon has finally been slain, I mean. Come on, folks. Join hands, form a circle, sit down and talk.

Specifically, they will invoke Article 14 of the German constitution, which addresses the question of whether the companies’ assets are being expropriated, and if they are therefore entitled to compensation. After that, the amount of compensation would be negotiated in civil courts. According to internal calculations, the industry envisions a potential sum of €20 billion ($29 billion). The burden would ultimately fall on taxpayers.

Courage? In German Politics?

June 3, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Political Culture, Politics, Satire 1 Comment

In US politics, rhetoric is an art form, leading to vigorous debate and vibrant political life. Not so in Germany, where fear and faintheartedness have resulted in a lack of vision and a shortage of personality.

Political peer pressure has spawned a military-like obedience. When did those at the top begin perceiving the individuality of those rising behind them as a threat? In Berlin, vagueness is seen as the perfect position, hedging as a tactical necessity and clear positions as hazardous.

A similarly noxious development is taking place in the world of journalism. Americans use the phrase “24/7” — a state of constant breathlessness — in reference to the modern news cycle. The online media (not exclusively, but more so than others) contribute to a tabloidization of political journalism by using the sort of pointed emphasis designed to generate more page views from readers… And its effects are as likely to promote hysteria as in Germany.

More Green Shirt Activity

May 30, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Hysteria Tags: Atomic energy, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Green Shirts, Greenpeace, Greens, Humor, Nuclear energy, Satire, Terror 1 Comment

See? I told ya.

Greenpeace activists climbed on top of Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate yesterday to demand a speedy end to the use of atomic energy (by 2015).

I guess 2022 just ain’t speedy enough.

“Every day of Green terror is one day too many (my translation).”

PS: The best part about the article was the Google ad I saw next to it: “Price check for 900 electicity providers: Compare prices and save money today!”

Left-Wing Extremists Attack Berlin S-Bahn System, Nobody Notices

May 25, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Green Shirts, Humor, Public Transportation, Satire, Terror 1 Comment

Long used to irregular service, missing trains and outages and shortages of every conceivable kind, tens of thousands of Berlin commuters failed to notice that they were the innocent victims of a vicious left-wing extremist arson attack yesterday.

Huge sections of the Berlin S-Bahn system (some here call it the Stress-Bahn) were disrupted on Monday after a left-wing group set a fire at the Ostkreuz station that caused utter chaos, as usual. In a communiqué issued by the group, they expressed their hope that the attack would be a valuable contribution to the valiant fight against nuclear power (in other countries I assume, as Germany has already capitulated here), militarism and racism, although not necessarily in that order.

“This is absoulutely shocking,” one stunned commuter noted. “I should have known something was up when I actually made it to work thirty minutes earlier than usual. The terrorist bastards.”

Police in Berlin have recently made some progress in fighting left-wing extremism, with the number of arson attacks on cars attributed to anarchists down to 54 in 2010 from 145 a year earlier.

German Vocabulary of the Day

May 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Hi-tech, Hysteria Tags: Energy, Fukushima, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Nuclear energy, Satire Leave a comment

Alleingang: Going it alone.

Although every German knows that things go invariably terribly wrong whenever Germans do this (go it alone), they sometimes simply just can’t help themselves (think the recent UN Libya resolution episode, for instance) and let this atavistic throwback throw them back to behavior (misbehavior) they will bald (soon) regret. For the latest case in point see Ausstieg.

Ausstieg: This means to exit, phase-out. Germans are the born Aussteiger (exit-ers or escapists), but this is getting ever harder and harder for them to do. Executive Director Nobuo Tanaka of the International Atomic Energy Agency, IAEA (not IKEA), for instance, has warned Germany about going their nuclear phase-out alone (see Alleingang). Germany’s policies here affect all of Europe, he says, and “it’s not about a German problem, it’s an overall European problem.”

Blackout: This means blackout. German power companies are now warning that should the Ausstieg and Alleingang described above be implemented too quickly and too efficiently (a grave possibility in Germany), they will not be able to guarantee an uninterupted power supply for their customers in Southern Germany during the so-called “winter” months.

Die Netzfirmen warnten, wenn nur die im Zuge des Atom-Moratoriums stillgelegten Alt-Meiler weiter vom Netz blieben, fehlten an kalten Wintertagen in Süddeutschland etwa 2000 Megawatt Leistung.

This New-Fangled EBOOK Nonsense Ain’t Never Gonna Happen Here

May 22, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hi-tech Tags: Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Berlin, Books, eBooks, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 3 Comments

Not in Germany it ain’t. No way. It’s, uh, I dunno. It’s just plain wrong. It’s too American or something.

Let Amazon & Co. sell all the damned ebooks they want to over yonder (currently 105 ebooks for every 100 printed at Amazon), we’re sticking to tradition and our traditional fixed book prices (this protects our culture somehow) and the unfair taxation and the measly 0.5 percent ebook sales of total volume of books sold in Germany (sure we only got around to introducing the Kindle here just a few weeks back, but still).

Remember this: Germans don’t read ebooks.

And remember this too: Television had no future (radio pioneer Mary Somerville) and the world only needed five computers at most (IBM president Thomas J. Watson).

Verlage und Buchhandlungen in Deutschland sind zögerlich, weil die Investitionen hoch und die Gewinnspannen niedrig sind und es außerdem mal wieder Streit um die Mehrwertsteuer gibt: Während gedruckte Bücher einem ermäßigten Satz von sieben Prozent unterliegen, sind es für E-Books 19. Und bis das ausdiskutiert ist, wird vermutlich auch Amazon.de mehr E-Books als Bücher verkaufen. Denn in Deutschland wurde der Kindle ja erst vor vier Wochen eingeführt.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Habitudes