Stray Dogs Might Be Next

Germany’s military has a manpower problem, and its solution may be foreigners and teenagers.

Bundeswehr

Germany’s long-understaffed Bundeswehr is using computer videogames in an effort to lure young people into its ranks.

During this year’s Gamescom trade fair for video games in Cologne, the German armed forces unfurled a number of “Multiplayer in Its Best” and “A More Open World Doesn’t Exist” posters with a bundeswehrkarriere.de link carefully printed underneath.

“Vor zwei Jahren hab’ ich noch mit Playmobil gespielt.”

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Must Be The Heat

Modern German war machines aren’t made for it, if you know what I mean.

Heat

German army shows off ailing NATO helicopter – German Defense Minister Ursula von der Leyen is touring the ranks of the Bundeswehr this summer. But some of the military hardware she is admiring, like the NH90 helicopter, has seen more ground time than flight time.

Mismanagement or routine problems?

Can’t be mismanagement because Frau von der Leyen is Miss Management herself. She has been the Bundeswehr boss for ages now and would never allow this type of thing to happen even though it clearly is happening (a man would have been fired long ago). Besides, she’s one of Chancellor Merkel’s very top girls in the Chancellor Merkel girl group. They’re called The Untouchables.

“We can say that the NH90 has proved its worth.”

That’s Not Fair

Why couldn’t German tanks take part in the competition?

Oh, I forgot. They’re all broken.

The idea of green U.S. Army M1 Abrams tanks with big white stars on their sides, huge American flags flying on top, and art on the hull depicting a turtle wearing a World War II-era tanker uniform, running over a pile of cars sounds like something straight out of a 1980s arcade game. But its actually a real scene from the annual Strong Europe Tank Challenge at the service’s 7th Army Training Command’s Grafenwoehr Training Area in Germany.

German Of The Day: Biodiesel

That means biodiesel. And it’s dangerous stuff. Just go ask the German Air Force.

Biodiesel

An entire squadron of Luftwaffe Tornadoes was out of action for a week because there was too much biodiesel in their kerosene. But at least the air quality around that airbase was exceptionally good for a few days, you know?

Meanwhile… The Bundeswehr is running out of tents and clothing now. Well, to be fair, it’s not the entire Budneswehr. It’s just their special rapid deployment forces.

Die Luftwaffen-Tornados auf dem Fliegerhorst Jagel in Schleswig-Holstein dürfen seit einer Woche nicht fliegen, weil dem Kerosin zu viel Biodiesel zugemischt war.

PS: I think this guy may have been given too much biodiesel, too.

Can Somebody Pick Up The German Army In Mali?

I mean, if it’s on your way and not too much of an inconvenience? They want to come home now but their airplane is broken.

Mali

The Bundeswehr, one of NATO’s largest militaries, is now a steady source of news about planes that can’t fly, tanks that break down and troops that admire the Nazis. So what exactly has gone wrong in Germany’s army?

Quite simple, really. These are soldiers who are not allowed to be soldiers in an army that is not allowed to be an army – other than to serve as an excuse for being able to export lots of way cool and expensive military equipment that works fine everywhere else but here. There’s a lack of culture in Germany regarding its military and its responsibility as a partner, in other words.

Insgesamt 89 in Mali eingesetzte deutsche Soldaten warten seit Tagen auf eine Rückflugmöglichkeit aus dem westafrikanischen Krisenstaat in den Heimaturlaub.

“Not Deployable For Collective Defense”

Three years ago, Germany’s military made headlines when it used broomsticks instead of machine guns during a NATO exercise because of a shortage of equipment. The lack of real weapons in the European Union’s most populous nation was seen as symptomatic of how underfunded its military has long been.

Germany

One Russian annexation later, if anything, the state of affairs has only gotten worse, according to the parliamentary commissioner for the country’s armed forces.

He has now reached the conclusion that the German military is virtually “not deployable for collective defense,” at the moment. Independent commissioner Hans-Peter Bartels also indicated in a recent interview that Germany was unprepared for the possibility of a larger conflict even though smaller operations abroad may still be possible.

Meanwhile… Rising exports, Turkish tanks fuel German arms sales debate.

Again: Germany’s army is an alibi army that will never be used for anything other than to make Germans feel better (less worse?) about being 1) pacifists while being at the same time 2) the world’s third largest weapons exporter. Remember this when the next demand for them to spend 2 percent GDP on their defense comes up and they start to fidget – and get away with not spending it again.

We Are The One Percent

Whereas in 1990 there were 585,000 soldiers in the German army, this number has now dropped to 177,000. The military budget, meanwhile, currently stands at a little over 1 percent of GDP.

That’s GDP for Got no Dinero, Partner.

Bundeswehr

But now Germany is going to change all of that or something and like totally increase its military spending by, I dunno, way lots. Or at least that is how we are supposed to see it. Flinten-Uschi (Ursula von der Leyen) has taken control and isn’t going to take it anymore – and is also shooting for a raise and a new job at the Chancellery one day, by the way.

Nonetheless, the new commitment still keeps Germany way below its NATO commitment to invest two percent of GDP in its military. For that it would have needed to raise the budget to €60 billion instead of €39.2 billion

Ständig kommen neue Auslandseinsätze auf die Bundeswehr zu, aber ihre Ausrüstung ist veraltet oder technisch anfällig. Die Aufstockung der Truppe löst die Probleme nicht.

Secret European Army Being Planned By The Same Folks Who Brought Us The Euro And Refugee Crises

So like what force in the universe could possibly stand in its way? Or even want to. Honey, where’s our white flag?

Army

British Brexit campaigners have been boosted with news from Berlin that Germany is once more pushing for an EU army encompassing all 28 member states with a joint HQ and shared military planning.

Along with judicial, tax and immigration issues, a Euro army has for long been one of the main irritants of anti-EU campaigners.  

“German security policy has relevance — also for beyond our country. Germany is willing to join early, decisively and substantially as a driving force in international debates … to take responsibility and assume leadership.”

Never Touch A Running System

Why on earth do the folks over at the Bundeswehr think that they need to have a new camouflage system? The old camouflage is working amazingly well already.

Bundeswehr

Just like that guy up there in the snow, I can hardly find any Bundeswehr soldiers anywhere these days as it is. Not in Iraq, Afghanistan, Mali, you name it.

I also think that they are using some kind of a Klingon Cloaking Device for their tanks and other heavy military equipment, too – for the few pieces of heavy military equipment that are still working. Only they call it a Colonel Klinkon Cloaking Device, of course.

Das Wehrwissenschaftliche Institut hat für die Bundeswehr einen Tarnanzug entwickelt, der auch Nachtsichtgeräte täuschen kann.

Bundeswehr To Become Even More Effeminate

Who would have thought that? Only eleven percent of German troops are currently women. This must change, of course.

Women

German Defense Minister Ursula von der Leyen, herself one of the eleven percent, has decided that in the medium-term, the percentage of women currently not doing anything that other soldiers in other armies do (some call it combat) must be increased to 20 percent.

The reason behind this appears to be that by effectively reducing the combat strength of an army, this will effectively increase the combat strength of an army. Not your own army or anything, but still.

The inglorious Bundeswehr: The German army was never meant to function on its own. Now it barely functions at all.

Elf Prozent der Truppe ist derzeit weiblich. Verteidigungsministerin Ursula von der Leyen will diesen Wert verbessern und ruft ein neues Ziel aus: “Auf mittlere Sicht” soll der Frauenanteil auf 20 Prozent steigen.