Just In Case You Were Wondering

German playmates will continue to take their clothes off. For as long as the German Playboy manages to stay solvent, at least.

Playboy

And yikes! You will still need to wear sunglasses when paging through the damned thing (why are German girls so… shiny?).

In Germany, too, nudity and porn is accessible on the Internet, and the magazine’s circulation numbers are steadily declining as well. In the fourth quarter of 2009, Playboy Germany sold 256,866 issues. By the second quarter of 2015, this number had decreased to 167,700 issues, according to German statistics portal Statista.

You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture.

It Must Not Have Been German Ape Porn

In a behavior study taking place at a German zoo, scientists have discovered that apes prefer popcorn to movies showing explicit ape sex scenes.

Porn

Maybe they would get better results if they did a misbehavior study instead.

“Maybe they are not so interested, as Bonobo apes very often have sex anyway.”

Nice Mellons, Mom

Mother Knows Best (Father Knows Best got cancelled long ago)? Well it sure ain’t Leave It To Beaver we’re talking about here.

German sex experts (and there’s a whole bunch of those, let me tell you) think that parents’ porn fears are exaggerated and that online pornography is actually a wonderful and thoroughly wholesome way to change the way young people learn about sex.

Well hot diggity dog, it’s still changing mine and I’m as old as the hills.

Carl’s mother holds a PhD in cultural studies. She has done research on pornography herself and now writes erotic novels.

She explained to her son that he shouldn’t worry if his first girlfriend didn’t moan loudly during sex and that the actors in porn movies use lots of lubrication.

“My mother told me that the positions they do are all just for show.”

“I learned some things from porn,” Carl says, “like licking, for example.”

At least it wasn’t communist pornography

This has got to be the most insidious commi plot yet, or even ever. The German Communist Party in Essen (yes, it actually still exists) handed out pens to six-year-old kids that can project erotic images of women on walls and, well, I dunno, all over. And like, they even did it by accident.

Damn. I remember being pretty excited on my first day at school and all that but this really takes the cake, or Kuchen, if you prefer.

This truly is shocking and obscene. No, not the part about the pens so much (German sex ed starts really early over here anyway), I mean that the German Communist Party was allowed to hand out anything to six-year-old kids like that in the first place.

“The German Communist Party deeply regrets what has happened and is outraged that this kind of thing, which borders on pornography, can be purchased in normal shops.”