Germans Coming And Going At The Same Time

Over 100 each year? Jeepers. Isn’t it time to consider introducing more rigorous masturbation control legislation? At least when it comes to sliced cheese?

Sexspiele

Masturbation kills 100 Germans every year: Study discovers bizarre ways people died pleasuring themselves including a man who tried to melt sliced cheese over himself.

In Deutschland sterben immer wieder Menschen, weil sie bei der Selbstbefriedigung den extremen Kick suchen. Ein Rechtsmediziner geht von bis zu 100 Fällen pro Jahr aus.

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Don’t The French Have A Hate Speech Law?

This could never happen in Germany. Not anymore. It’s simply too, too… Too hateful.

Women

French movie star Catherine Deneuve and other prominent French women say men are being unfairly targeted by sexual misconduct allegations and should be free to hit on women.

This #metoo hysteria is, well, hysterical. Think Hollywood show the other night (I won’t say which one). You know, the girls in black? Isn’t it strange, folks? Since when did so-called liberals get to become so puritanical?

“Women are sufficiently aware that the sexual urge is by its nature wild and aggressive. But we are also clear-eyed enough not to confuse an awkward attempt to pick someone up with a sexual attack.”

The Beate Uhse Sex Trade Has Fallen On Hard Times

Or on not so hard times?

Beate

Sales have failed to rise. They’re busted. The company couldn’t keep their turnover turning over enough. Then they got strapped for cash. Pinched. Hey, sex re-tail just ain’t what it used to be. Especially when you pay in arrears and then get behind. Hey, if they turn Beate Uhse into a holding company just what will it be holding, anyway?

I’m sorry. I’ll stop now. It’s Friday.

Sex sells – auf dieses Motto konnte sich der Erotikhändler Beate Uhse seit mehr als 70 Jahren verlassen. Doch seit längerem stockte das Geschäft mit Schmuddelfilmen, Dildos und Dessous. Nun kommt die Teil-Insolvenz.

PS: Get your free sample of Brain Quest – A Fantastic Voyage through the Progressive Mind today! Take only as directed.

It’s Kind Of Like Your County Fair Back Home

Only they’re a little rougher at the pig exhibition here.

Fair

A massive erotica trade fair kicked off in Berlin today with thousands of horny punters streaming through its doors to see the latest designs in sex dolls, bedroom toys and porn.

The annual Venus International Erotic Trade Fair is a calendar highlight of the porn industry and even has a “show arena” where live performances are held.

Insgesamt 250 Aussteller sind vor Ort, um über 30.000 Besucher zu unterhalten. Von den neuesten Sex-Spielzeugen über futuristische Gadgets wie menschenähnliche Sexpuppen und fast reale Pornos in Virtual Reality, hier sollte besser niemand Berührungsängste zeigen.

German Of The Day: Handkreissäge

That means skill saw or portable circular saw.

Saw

And you really need to have a lot of skill when you operate one of those things. Or you ought to. It’s hard to say whether this lady knew what she was doing when she was operating hers, though.

A court in southern Germany has convicted a 32-year-old woman of killing her boyfriend and severing his head with a circular saw. Prosecutors said she attacked her boyfriend while he was tied to a bed and blindfolded with blacked-out swim goggles, then decapitated him, probably after he died from wounds to the upper body.

My bet is she never saw sex like that before.

This Guy Put The Court In Male Escort

A woman who got pregnant after having sex with a male escort in a German hotel has failed in a legal battle to find out his name.

Hotel

Or the rest of his name, genau genommen (to be precise). His first name was Michael. At least it was for that night. But it might also be Jack Flash, Chocolate Thunda or Pogo Stick, depending upon what other night of the week it is. Hard to say for sure (hard for sure to say?).

The woman – not named in the case – said she had got pregnant after staying with “Michael” in a room on the second floor. She now has a seven-year-old son called Joel. The court decided that her lack of detail about the man raised the risk of personal data “simply being released at random.”

Das Amtsgericht München hat entschieden, dass ein Hotel keine Auskunft über einen Gast erteilen muss, der als potentieller Vater für das Kind der Klägerin in Betracht kommt.

Can I Just Grab Your Crotch Instead?

Teachers in Germany have set off a national controversy after they boycotted their own school’s leavers’ ceremony in protest at a Muslim pupil who refused to shake hands with a female member of staff.

Hamburg

“We are considering how we can send a signal that we do not tolerate such behavior.”

Veil, What Will They Think Of Next?

Veiling German women? What a tremendous waste of natural resources that would be.

Veils

German Justice Minister Heiko Maas (SPD) said the move to ban ads which “reduce women or men to sexual objects” is an attempt to create a “modern gender image”.

The important thing to note here folks are the three letters S, P and D. Support for Germany’s Social Democratic party has now slumpted to an all-time historical-like low (around 20 percent). But now, at the very latest, we at least understand why.

The plan has been called political correctness gone mad by its critics, who said it was the first step towards a “nanny state”. It comes following a controversy over claims made by a senior politician that schools and canteens in Germany are ‘banning’ the serving of pork to avoid offending Muslim migrants.

“To demand the veiling of women or taming of men, is something known among radical Islamic religious leaders, but not from the German minister of justice.”

As If German Women Talking During Sex Wasn’t Bad Enough Already

Now they’re talking about it again. Like afterwards even.

Sex

Must be a slow news day. This is clearly a re-run of a re-run that’s already done run. Not just the talking part, I mean. These clips, too.

But at least it’s in German. German women speaking German are pretty sexy, I find.

Frauen sprechen über Sex: Das erste und das letzte Mal

Duplicitous Doll Disses Deso Dogg (Da Dope)

Talk about your sleeper cell. That smooth-ISIS-rapping womanizer Deso Dog, aka Denis Da Dogg himself, just fell for the oldest trick in the How-to-Spy-101-for-Dummies book and married an FBI operative who just slipped off to Turkey only to be turned over to those caring folks at the FBI in the US-Amerika itself. Mata Hari

But not before she had transmitted tons of way cool information to them about the romantic rapping sap. Like how he throws down his rhymes half-naked in front of the bathroom mirror, I suppose. And what kind of top secret plans he and his ISIS buddies have been working on these days. You know, stuff like that. Dumbass.

Der ISIS-Kämpfer (39) in Syrien war in die Liebesfalle einer Undercover-Agentin getappt. Sie sollte eine enge Beziehung zu ihm aufbauen, um auf diese Weise wichtige Informationen über die Terrortruppe abzuschöpfen.