Scientific Team That Discovered Gravitational Waves Hired By SPD To Discover “Schulz Effect”

The scientists and engineers who made the first-ever direct detection of gravitational waves are now being asked by Germany’s SPD to provide conclusive evidence that the so-called “Schulz Effect” exists, too.

Schulz

After miserably failing their first electoral test this past weekend under their new leader, Martin Schulz, some voices in the SPD ITSELF are now questioning whether or not the infamous effect ever even existed in the first place. Much less now.

“Like, where’s the Rindfleisch (beef)?” asked one disgruntled social democrat after his party rolled over and died last Sunday in Saarland. “I was led to believe that this effect was unstoppable and here we are crapping out again, as usual, at the very first opportunity we get. Enough of these affected claims about the effect, comrades. I want some hard scientific evidence. And I want it pronto.”

The rest of Germany could not be reached for comment as it never believed in the “Schulz Effect” in the first place. The scientific team, also unaffected by the effect, will begin it’s groundbreaking work effective immediately.

“SPD-Messias” Schulz in der Falle: Seine einzige Machtoption könnte bei Merkel liegen.

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Twisted German Scientists Devise Fake Sun

In a desperate attempt to save Germany’s failing renewable energy revolution, a group of depraved German scientists has devised a fake sun to keep German solar power plants running at night (one of the depraved scientists can be seen below).

Sun

The “Synlight” artificial sun, soon to be placed in low geocentric orbit above the country, uses lots and lots and lots of xenon short-arc lamps that generate 4,000 times the wattage of the average light bulb and will be switched on during varying intervals between 19:00 in the evening and 04:00 in the early morning hours, hopefully allowing German solar energy plants to finally produce enough energy to operate small radios and kitchen appliances simultaneously (but too many at once). Provided it isn’t too cloudy outside, of course. Which it practically always is here. But still.

“In four hours the system uses about as much electricity as a four-person household in a year.”

Amateur Climate Scientist Puzzled How Earth’s CO2 Got To Mars

That’s right. I’m going to do a little amateur science today for once already if you don’t mind thank you.

Mars

I mean, I’m puzzled or something. If human CO2 emissions are the cause of climate change here on Planet Earth today (this is at least what folks here in Germany tell me every freakin’ day) and a similar type of climate change took place long ago on Mars as well (there used to be a lot more ice there a few hundred thousand years ago, you see) then how on Earth did we on Earth manage to transport our human CO2 emissions back through time and space to Mars to cause that Martian climate change in the first place and like not even be aware that we were were doing it or even how we were doing it and still aren’t for that matter? I’m just asking.

Is that creepy or eerie or what? Otherworldly, how insidious and tricky these human CO2 emissions can be these days.

Klimawandel gibt es auch auf unserem Nachbarplaneten Mars.

Weird Science

More German environmental backwardness in action. Or would it be better to call it genetic illiteracy?

So much for Europe’s efforts to put the junk science surrounding genetically modified (GMO) food to rest. Berlin this week signaled it will prohibit cultivation of GMO crops in Germany, even if the crops have been approved by EU scientific bodies and despite an attempt by Brussels to legalize them.

Science

Sure enough, neither environmentalists nor German politicians have come up with a justification for Berlin’s looming ban other than, well, because. Supporters cheer the move as an expression of “food democracy” in a country where opposition to GMOs is widespread and the government faced intense pressure to ban them…

Back in reality, EU scientific and food-safety authorities have repeatedly cleared various GMO crops for human and animal consumption. The process often takes months to complete, and in 95% of cases EU regulators ask producers for more evidence before greenlighting GMOs, so it’s hardly a rubber stamp.

Anybody Can Land On A Comet

10 years and 6.5 billion kilometers later (give or take a few inches)…

The spaceship Rosetta’s landing probe Philae will be landing on 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko. Tomorrow. We hope.

The comet is currently hurtling through space at 24,600 miles per hour and its nucleus is only 2.5 miles wide. Scientists compare the task to a fly trying to land on a speeding bullet.

PS: Why couldn’t they have scheduled this thing to land on 11.11 at 11 o’clock 11 in the morning?

Der Büroschlaf Ist Immer Noch Am Gesündesten

Sleep at the office is still the healthiest. But not even that is enough to keep us top fit these days, it seems.

Sleep

A shocking new study reveals that none of us are getting nearly enough sleep and that this is eventually going to make us go all demented and stuff if we aren’t all demented and stuff already. Before it kills us, I mean.

It appears that this stressful information society we live in is causing us to sleep one and a half hours less then we used to back in the 1960s because, well, I dunno, we have to process sleep data fun facts like this, for instance. We are suffering from permanent sleep deprivation, these experts tell us. All of us. So wake up and go back to sleep already.

„In unserer Informationsgesellschaft schlafen wir ein bis eineinhalb Stunden kürzer als noch in den 1960er Jahren. Wir haben relativen Schlafentzug – alle.“

I’m The Stress

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig have just found out that stress is not only stressful, it is even contagious.

Stress

But it doesn’t stop there, folks. It is so contagious that you can even get it just by watching German TV.

And this is supposed to be news? I’ve known about this for years. The German TV part, I mean.

“I am gross and perverted. I’m obsessed and deranged. I have existed for years, but very little has changed. I’m the tool of the government and industry too, for I am destined to rule and regulate you. I may be vile and pernicious, but you can’t look away. I make you think I’m delicious, with the stuff that I say. I’m the best you can get. Have you guessed me yet? I’m the stress oozing out from your TV set.”

Wer den Fernseher einschaltet, um abzuschalten, sollte das mit Bedacht tun.

90 Percent Of Germans Believe That 90 Percent Of Americans Don’t Believe In Evolution

They really do.

Darwin

Germans are often very naive and childlike when it comes to their beliefs, don’t you think?

Nur 9,5 Prozent glauben, dass keine höhere Macht in der Entstehung des Universums und der Entwicklung der verschiedenen Tierarten involviert war.

Creepy Corn Coming (And I Don’t Care)

Ghastly, genetically modified creepy corn.

Corn

Creepy corn without a name. Creepy corn that isn’t even spelled with a capital K. Corn so creepy that it only has a creepy number; the nasty and nightmarish 1507. Corn devised in some creepy laboratory somewhere in the United States of Creepy Amerika.

Insect-resistant, creepy, nameless and K-less corn. Creepy corn that Germans dressed up like bees simply must say Nein! to. Corn that must be stopped at all costs.

Corn declared safe by the European Food Standards Authority. But still.

“Wir erkennen die Vorbehalte des Großteils der Bevölkerung gegenüber der grünen Gentechnik an.”

It Must Not Have Been German Ape Porn

In a behavior study taking place at a German zoo, scientists have discovered that apes prefer popcorn to movies showing explicit ape sex scenes.

Porn

Maybe they would get better results if they did a misbehavior study instead.

“Maybe they are not so interested, as Bonobo apes very often have sex anyway.”