Lothar Matthäus Claims He Isn’t Really Dead

After bringing by an ärztliches Attest (doctor’s certificate) certifying that he is “in fact like really and truly actually still alive,” ex-soccer star Lothar Matthäus has received an official apology from the otherwise infallibel Deutsche Post for returning a letter addressed to him from his ex-wife as unzustellbar (undeliverable) due to his being, well, like verstorben (deceased) already.

Lothar

“Look, I’ve been dead for my ex-wife for years now, but this is taking it a little over the top, don’t you think?” the living and breathing Promi (celebrity, sort of) said, still alive and kicking.

Weil ein Brief seiner Ex-Frau Liliana nicht zugestellt werden konnte, wird der 52-Jährige kurzerhand für tot erklärt.

Now This Is A Show That I Could Watch

Germans can’t seem to get enough of watching Promis on TV (German TV Promis are second-rate celebrities, usually of the third- or fourth-rate kind).

They drop them off in the jungle and let them scratch and bite for Promi fame there, they make them prepare awful Promi dinners at home for their unwelcome Promi guests, there was even one show where I saw some Promis going on a freakin’ Promi pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela in Spain.

But now they’ve finally developed a concept that will open up that prominent Promi TV world for the rest of us out there. They’re going to put them in a boxing ring and let them beat the Promi crap out of each other.

Großes Promiboxen mit Dschungel-Prominenz